Depression

Today has been the kind of day that reaches down and crushes me with the reminder of just how alone I am in the world, or just how close one bad misfortune can lead to absolute disaster.

The day began like any other, with me driving the kids to school. My car is 21 years old, but I keep it maintained; I take care of it. And it died in the parking lot of the kids' school. Between license renewals and a very expensive 6th grade field trip for Aeia, I have $8 discretionary income this month (and savings was destroyed last year when I had to keep the lease on our old, far too expensive, place on one income--since then it's been month-to-month and being frugal) and my insurance company dropped roadside assistance from my policy when I changed it to remove my ex-wife. I couldn't even afford the $50 for a tow truck and have no friends in the area who I feel close enough to to borrow even that little (or, because they're struggling students, have that little to offer). All the while I'm getting glared at by my son's asshole principal (see my post from about two weeks ago as to why I have that opinion of him) as I'm checking the very few things my limited mechanical knowledge knows to check.

This is when it comes home just how much it sucks to be a single parent with no support structure in place. Living in a college town, as soon as you grow close to someone they graduate and move away. My nearest family is hours away. My nearest family that gives a damn is farther. I always feel very alone in the world, but I try my best to mask it with the friends I have here, even as we all keep each other at an arm's distance.

How I manage dropping and picking kids up from school, dropping and picking kids up from their mother's (don't even ask why she can't do it...the answer is best summed up as she is ridiculous), groceries, 3-4 doctor's visits per week (most of them not even in town ), laundry...other emergencies without transportation...I don't know. What I know is I feel myself literally getting older under the crushing weight of it all.

I won't have the discretionary income to have the car diagnosed, let alone fixed, until August 18th. Still, if I can make it to the end of May, the kids will be out of school, I can stop seeing the doctor for three months and try to figure something out regarding transport of kids to/from the ex.

Serotonin

My son Rael has finally made a friend at school. It's been about 4 weeks. It's going well enough I've encouraged a sleep-over here a play date there. His friend's mom saw my situation at the school today and arranged to have my car towed home. And helped me out with picking the kids up after school today. Between her and another newer friend I have some help tomorrow and the next day as well. If I can figure out the next three weeks, the last three weeks of May and of school, I can get out of this completely overwhelmed feeling.

This other friend has also been asking around his own circles for help finding someone with mechanical aptitude who can at least help me discover the problem and work towards an estimate.

My favorite Canadian and some of you here have been a good despair distraction today, most of you not knowing it. And I appreciate it.

About an hour ago, the girlfriend of one of my tabletop gaming group members, who goes hitchhiking every summer for fun, has offered me her car for the months of June through when she needs it back mid-August. There are insurance and other logistics to work out so it's not 100% a sure thing at this point. But it's still a kindness I never would have sought or expected.

I still don't know how I'm going to get through the next three weeks. I can't see my friends having the patience to let me mooch that much, be that much a taxi for me, and the whole thing with the loaner car afterward can still fall apart. But for the moment, I have a little hope.

Sometimes people surprise you.

Love This

she said,
cinching the ropes
holding my wrists at my lower back--
as she’d already done my ankles.

Behind me,
her lips at my ear:
“Open your mouth.”
Pulling my hair, my head back,
two fingers slide past my lips;
they taste like her cunt,
sticky
savory...sweet.
And then gone.

“You want more.”
She does not ask.
My mouth opening,
she shoves a hard rubber ball in
mid-reply.
Straps clasp behind my head,
locking it in place.

The bed bounces as she moves,
holding my kneeling pose
becomes a strain.

And there she is:
naked, glorious, bare
standing before and above me,
grabbing my chin,
forcing my gaze up her body--
the full curve of her breasts
and the ceiling light above her
conspiring to hide her face
in flesh and shadow.

“You’re too pretty boy.”
Three sharp, stinging, slaps
spread her words
across my face,
bringing water to my eyes
her laughter to my ears.

Fingers in my hair again,
pull my face into her belly:
the hint of baby powder
and vanilla
caress my senses,
my lips centimeters close--
so far away.

She shoves me flat to the bed,
rests her weight on my arms,
crushing them to my back,
her feet on my shoulders
tell me she’s facing away.
Heat spreads across my ass
as the stinging cedar paddle falls
louder than my muffled screams,
stronger than the hard-on
crushed between me and her bed.

When this stops everything is gone:
her weight
the pain
my breath--
waiting for her,
for her breath
warm against my neck,
her hips atop my tender ass.
Penetrating fingers and words
call me her toy.

The fire of her hard cock
spreading me open.
“Love this”
she says.

*********

Written for the +May I? writing project. New poem by me 5-6-2012

#MayI #NewPoem #DEvanPetersonPoetry