Next Year

Last year, my New Years Word was passion (and the decision to continue on with grace, which remains the case). I don't think living a life with more passion was at all a beneficial change in life for me. Being more passionate about my friendships led to caring more about them for both their benefits and their deficiencies which led to disappointment at friends who didn't share nearly the same passion and ultimately their ending. Being more passionate about my marriage led to caring more about our varied problems and a desire to work harder to fix them. Ultimately, this too was a failed decision.

For most of this month my decision had been that this years word, this years goal for personal development and growth would be forgiveness. To work at overlooking the deficiencies of others and instead forgive them and welcome back friendships discarded for caring too much. Over the past week I held to this word-decision if only to hopefully make life at home in some way manageable again.

I can't do it.

I've grown too cognizant of the fact that forgiveness isn't likely in me anymore right now. For whatever reasons, I'm not ready to just overlook the deficiencies of others or the pain others instill. If people can't own the wrongs they themselves commit, I'm not in a place to forgive their faults. I'm finding that I instead feel quite the opposite and am intent on protecting myself instead from the bile expressed by others.

I can't do forgiveness now. So if not that, what? I'm finding that perhaps a much more important word for me to live this year is healing. I think healing will be the most significant aspect of life I should pursue internally right now and recognize in some cases where that may mean not being nice, which is why forgiveness won't always be a component of healing. If I can find myself healing, and if I can help my children to heal any pains of their own, then this years word will have been a success. The best part of healing, besides getting better, is knowing that the friends and loved ones who are there with us are all a positive part of this process.

Unresolved

Those who have been reading here with me for a long enough time (or simply been running through the archives) will recall my aversion to making New Year's resolutions and that I instead choose a word for which I try to model my personal character and growth on in order to be a better me. Last year my word was grace. Personally, I feel as if last year's word was a resounding success for me in that the aeras of my life I felt could use more grace, have benefited form more grace; I do think the road to my goal on that one is still not done, though, and I'm going to keep working on that one. Probably will my whole life.

This year I'm going to keep grace going and choose a second word, a second concept. There are words I know I need to grow into more someday but am not ready to be that person yet (trust--I've lived my whole life being failed by people I trust, so I'm not quite ready to change my self concept on this one quite yet), and words that are attractive to me but ultimately too simple or simply not extensive enough (adventurous--I really can't think of much I could do that I'd want to do that would make me feel like a more adventurous person, so I'll just try to do some of these things without them being my word).

I've been talking about this alternate concept of resolutions at work and have gotten three folks to agree they should do it too, which is cool. I like to think that if the idea improves their lives I had a minuscule part in it. My friend Alex has said his word is "Evan," that his goal is to be more Evan. Knowing, more or less, precisely what he means by that, I can see it as a goal for him and approve.

But for me?

Sigh.

I reflect on the last couple years and feel as if I've lived through a lot of it fairly listlessly. There were pure wonderful moments, sure, but most of the time I just floated on. This last year has seen me growing a bit disconnected, to the point I really don't feel great fellowship with/towards my friends. I need to allow myself to feel more, to express emotion more, to just love life more. And so this year my word is, additional to grace, passion. Wish me luck?

So, what's your word going to be?