Top 5 B Movies

Originally when I was tasked to draw up this top 5 list of my favorite B Movies (and I use the term “tasked” very loosely here because it’s a task I’m exceedingly happy to perform) I expected I’d spend the next week revisiting old favorites and foisting my 5 favorite in-the-moment (because I find that “my favorite” is a term that is for me fluid at best) B Movies on the rest of you with a little dash of explanation as to why they’re so great. All right, that is still what you’re going to get here but it’s important to note that as I spent the past week working on this project, it became apparent to me that there are almost as many differing definitions of “B Movie” as there are people. WTF OMG! Right? Seriously though, a decision had to be made: I would either differ to Mr. Coats’ editorial decision on the definition of B Movie and write this article from there or would go with my own definition and expect everyone to just follow along. Well I’m too punk rock to let The Man tell me what to write, so we’re going with the latter here.
Originally, a B Movie was a movie created for the purpose of following the primary movie in a double feature. This was way back in the 1930s and B Movies were often little more than an hour long, very low budget, very untried in the talent department flicks designed to give viewers a little more entertainment for their movie going buck (this really makes me wax nostalgic for the double feature). In later decades it graduated away from “second billing film in a double feature” and became more a low budget genre film (typically westerns, sci-fi and horror films were B Movies, as were exploitation flicks). It’s important to note as well that today a B Movie could easily have a budget dozens of times larger than a B Movie from the 70s.
Enough with the history lesson. Halloween is coming and in honor of my own personal favorite holiday, My Top 5 B Movies (of the moment, and in no particular order) are:

The Rocky Horror Picture Show. So filled with fun horror film cliches the only thing horrific about this horror show is the “corruption” of poor innocent Brad and Janet (oh pish-posh, don’t even tell me that in the days of torture porn flicks like Hostel and celebrated cannibals like Hannibal Lector any of the horror elements in this are scary) throughout the night until their inevitable release. This is Tim Curry’s finest performance and Susan Sarandon is perfect. It also holds the distinction of being the longest running film release in history as it has never been pulled from distribution and has been on limited release i various theaters for 35 years now and counting (yeah, take that, Titanic). And it’s a B Movie. Take the time, watch it again, do the Time Warp. Maybe even dress up a little.

The Night of the Living Dead (1968). This film created the zombie sub-genre of horror movies. Zombie movies existed before this film, but they were all of the variety where the zombie was a human afflicted by Voodoo and not flesh eating undead (truly, the modern zombie should be called a ghoul, but that’s another article). In creating this film, George Romero was himself trying to create an homage to the novel I Am Legend, replacing the novel’s vampires with zombies. Having a black actor play the lead role in a film with an otherwise all-white cast was absolutely unheard of in 1968 (really, it’s still pretty darn unheard of, and that is damn sad, people). I can still hear Johnny’s sing-song creepy voice intoning the classic “they’re coming to get you, Barbara”.

The Evil Dead. This movie launched the careers of brothers Sam and Ted Raimi, Rob Tapert and Bruce Campbell, and it’s rare for so many people associated with one B Movie to later find ongoing commercial success for decades to follow (sure Campbell is still likely considered a B Actor, but he’s very much one of the nation’s most beloved of the bunch) which is really pretty darn good for a movie with much of its funding coming from the creators’ parents and dentist. I’ve seen this movie a hundred times and it still doesn’t make any sense. And it’s still one of the most entertaining films I can ever sit down and see again and again.

“One, two, Freddy’s coming for you. . .” A Nightmare on Elm Street came to us in 1984 on a shoe-string budget of 1.8 million (the average budget of films in the mid 80s was reaching ten times this and more) and was the first film role for Johnny Depp. I have a deep fondness for Wes Craven’s earlier, even more B-level B Movies Last House on the Left and The Hills Have Eyes, but neither of these films resonate with me on as much of a visceral level as does Nightmare. To this day, this film (and absolutely none of its sequels) gives me shivers and recently found its home on another top 5 list of mine (scariest movies of all time).

Two movies are fighting it out really hard for this last spot. As much as I love 28 Days Later and want to put it here and as much as I hate gratuitous gore horror films, two words ultimately have the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre beating out those blasphemous fast zombies: John Larroquette.

And those two words are where I’m going to leave you now before I throw in another Blu-Ray and pop me some popcorn.

Paranormal Activity

had a couple creepy/scary moments, especially as I feel I can actually relate to a lot of Katie's anecdotes about the dark presence, paralysis, etc. but once it went down the road from scary haunting to possession, it lost me. It's no Blair Witch and would have been better served by sticking to one genre of horror from start to finish. An invisible monster killing them at the end would have done it so much better--like if it had ended on the scene with Katie being yanked from the bed and out the room with an ending of them screaming off camera and not returning.

Home Movie in 217 Words

This movie stars my least favorite actor in Heroes with bad enough acting and dialog as to guarantee its place amongst the sort of horror movies I would usually be watching with Chris (i.e. enjoyably awful) only much more dull. This was the sort of dull that I couldn't maintain my own full attention for the first half hour the acting and storyline was that bad. Start to finish this film, the reactions of the parents, is so absurdly unbelievable as to give this movie an absolute failing grade. You see where this movie is going, there will be no surprise in the ending. Still, 45 minutes or so in, it started becoming harder to ignore the film in favor of Facebook. An hour in, knowing full well that nothing would be a surprise, nothing would be new for this story, the acting no better, the plot as nonsensical, I could not draw my attention away. My chest was, and remains 15 minutes post-movie, tense. Breathing shallow. I became filled with a growing dread. And could not stop watching. I wanted to stop watching, but knew that doing so would somehow make it even scarier--coming to the ending that was so expected would somehow be more amelliorating than shutting off. I may have been wrong. This movie fucking scared me.

Some Top Tens

Sharing some film opinions I've been sharing on Facebook while I recharge:

My Top 10 Zombie Movies

I usually, fairly pretentiously, make some clarifications about the zombie horror genre along the lines of how the genre, when it works best, acts as a study of human society and its reactions to massive apocalyptic change (while I liken werewolf movies to occasionally stand as an exploration of isolation and feeling of "otherness" and vampires are all about sexual repression), and I continue to stand by this stance. But, as with any genre, there are also gems that really do little, if any, work to further this discussion as they merely revel in the craziness and fun also available to their genre. My list of zombie films is definitely going to cover the broad spectrum.

Before I go further, some notable mentions and clarifications of film left out:
While I love the entire Evil Dead series (and its multiple versions of the final film), I do not consider it a zombie film.
The Serpent and the Rainbow, about actual voodoo zombie-ism is a nice movie, but not the supernatural living dead zombie, so it doesn't make my cut.
Dead Alive is amazing early Peter Jackson, but it's too far out for me to include in the genre.
I love "Deadly Friend" but don't consider it a zombie movie nearly as much as it's an A.I./dangers of technology movie. Funny Kristy Swanson almost made multiple lists.

Although I contradict myself by including two such films, I hate "running zombies" movies. I don't feel zombies should have the coordination necessary to run effectively.

I am so looking forward to the "Walking Dead" comic series being adapted as a cable television series.

The tv miniseries, Dead Set (not released in the US) is AMAZING and you should find a way to see it.

A note about Michael Myers, Freddie Kruger, Jason Voorhies, etc.: I consider Freddie a ghost. The other two, while technically quite zombie, really belong to a very different category of film, as everything about their films falls into the Slasher mold and not at all into the zombie apocalypse mold. Just as the Elm Street movies are also slasher films.

My ten (no order of preference):

1. Night of the Living Dead (Romero). THE classic zombie film. Covers every glimpse into the psyche of man in apocalypse and makes a nice statement on racism. I think there's something wrong with anyone who doesn't include this on their list.

2. Undead. I don't know what these filmmakers were thinking, but this little film from Australia with all its zombies and then alien bductions just does it. It's great on survival, paranoia, campy goodness.

3. Dawn of the Dead (Romero). The only Romero sequel that makes the list (there are parts of "Day," "Land" and "Diary" that I like, but not nearly enough). The characters in this film are not at all as sympathetic as they were in "Night of" or even in the Zack Snyder remake, but I think this film is one of the finer when it comes to illustrating society in collapse and the evils man will do to each other when faced with these problems (picked up on, and better done in my second movie following this). Like "Night of", ends on a pessimistic note, which seems more real to the situation to me.

4. Dawn of the Dead (Snyder). Sigh, fast zombies. But one of the most slick films in the genre. Fantastic soundtrack. Cast of great sympathetic characters and great douche bag characters. Holds to, differently, the good pessimistic ending. Sarah Polley.

5. 28 Days Later. Another that goes deep into the evils man commits on one another in a crisis. My weak spot for Cillian Murphy. Fast zombies, sigh, but more bearable as these aren't "dead" zombies per se and seem to break down with time and starvation (and so would sensibly slow down). The rare film that EXPLAINS the zombie apocalypse's cause and doesn't suck for doing so. While I like the sequel, not a huge fan. Danny Boyle has only let me down once as a director (read: Sunshine).

6. Shaun of the Dead. Amazing. Hilarious. I still have and cherish my cut of the film from before its release (has alternate recorded dialog and a couple scene differences) almost as much as I love the finished theatrical version. DVD-wise, one of the finest when it comes to extras. One of the few consistently funniest films for me. And now I also have a hankering to watch "Spaced."

7. Fido. While I'm covering comedy, not as funny for me, but still a gem. And a great exploration into how a society that survives can deal with the zombie problem--by domesticating them as physical laborers.

8. Re-Animator. One of the few Lovecraft translations to film I enjoy. A bit crazy with the camp, though. Nice exploration of whether it's right to use all of our knowledge. Another of the "classics."

9. Pet Sematary. That rare gem of a movie that's actually at least almost as good as the novel it's based off.

10. [rec] and Quarantine. Since they're, almost shot for shot, the same movie (the former being the original Spanish film and the latter its American remake from a year later). Nice for its "trapped in a building with the monsters and we have to escape" survival horror. Who do you trust? How do you work with everyone else to survive?

My Top Ten Vampire Films

While zombies are clearly my favorite genre of "monster horror movies," and I have a much greater excitement level for good Werewolf movies, as they're so so very rare, vamps used to be my big favorites and this particular "top ten" meme is floating around my friends this week, so I too will participate. My top ten vampire movies in no order of preference:

1. Let the Right One In: This is far and away the best film in the genre to be produced this decade. I can watch, and find new scenes of enjoyment in, this film again and again and again and again. . .really, REALLY not looking forward to the americanized remake of it that is currently in the pipeline.

2. The Russian "Watch" movies: Night Watch, Day Watch (and hopefully someday in the near future, the third--Twilight Watch) all based on a fantastic trilogy of novels, cinematic-ally beautiful and absent the "vampires are all sexy" tropes of most vamp cinema. Another big thing going for these films, for me, is the depth of exploration devoted to factioning of vampire types, the politics and policing of vampire activities.

3. Blade Trinity. Screw the first two, this movie's just here for all the delicious eye candy (Ryan Reynolds, Jessica Biel, Dominic Purcell) that I was allowed to enjoy for most of my 113 minutes.

4. The Forsaken. More eye candy, nice juxtaposition of horror and humor. Jonathan Schaech never gets enough credit for being a good actor who generally only makes movies that don't make the A-List. Mostly a fun, generally mindless but pretty film. Heavy on the then-WB young hot actor factor. Strangely seems to be making all of our lists.

5. Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. It's everything: a musical, a kung fu flick, sexploitation, comedy, Troma-esque gore. You can not beat Christ coming back to rescue lesbians from the vampires who hunt them because lesbian skin is sun resistant. And he teams up with a Mexican wrestler. Did I mention musical numbers? See it for Jesus' kung fu showdown vs the atheists. Best of all, if you end up not liking it, you get to blame Canada.

6. Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Clearly, while I have much love for the tv show and it's spin-off and prefer to pretend the film is not canonical to the show (despite how the first Buffy comic series MADE it canonical, and did it well), and while the production, and egos of certain actors (Sutherland) and shortcomings of others (Swanson) yanked this film far away from the vision Joss envisioned for it in his screenplay, it gave us Buffy. It is the Mater Familia, and on its own it is campy hilariousness in ways that Fright Night fails to remain twenty years later.

7. Interview With the Vampire. A lot more going on that worked than not. Really enjoyed Kirsten Dunst, which is a rarity.

8. From Dusk Till Dawn. Honestly, I hated this movie the first time I saw it, and it was years before I gave it another chance. It is jarring still in its transition at the film's midpoint. But this movie has grown on me so much I don't even vomit in my mouth anymore every time Juliet Lewis mentions her pussy.

9. Near Dark. The best Clive Barker adaptation to date. Edit: I am retarded; this is not a Clive Barker adaptation. Still amazing and different.

10. Monster Squad. Pretty much exactly the same reasons Adam cites.

Blame Canada

Ok, dear friends and strangers, I have this tendency to print spoilers here and completely forget to warn people that I'm spoiling things. For once, I have the foresight to remember to do so, and so if you have not yet watched the season finale of Lost and you don't want elements of it ruined for you, then stop reading this post.

I mean it people, if you keep reading onward you lose any right to righteously chastise me for spoiling things big and small about the end of Lost season three.

Also, note the image I use to mark this post, in the future, if you see that image, you can be assured I'm spoiling something (while that image will always mean I'm spoiling something, when I spoil something I won't always use that image).

Is it at all creepy that PBS continues to show children's shows with dead people? I know seeing Mr. ROgers every morning now creeps me out, ditto Mr. Noodle on Sesame Street.

Is this enough space now for you weak-willed spoiler afraid people?

Jordin Sparks is the new American Idol. I give my condolences to young Cameron; he and Lash were really wanting Blake Lewis to win.

So, Lost. . .

First, as I was invited to do so, I hereby lob a grenade at Canada for killing Charlie. Canada hates Charlie (as did Jason Adams, tsk) because once upon a time Charlie was a Hobbit. I bet if poor Charlie had been a King Arthur in previous incarnations (well, not that particular King Arthur; that was bad all around) Canada would have been singing a different tune. Buncha Hobbit drowning murderers. I bet they drown kittens too.

Sigh.

Charlie is definitely dead too, folks. Don't hold onto hope for cheesy comic book resurrections like the ones we'll see on Heroes next fall (please, Nathan Petrelli is as dead as my adoration of Natalie Portman). On the positive, Charlie's death was believably in-character, unlike the death of my dear Wesley, as he grew into a place where it made sense for him to make this sacrifice for the sake of his fellows (I only hope the end result isn't Naomi's boat being evil and that's all he died for was bringing in new badguys).

As for the rest:

Tom and the goons shooting the sand instead of Said, et al when Ben called for their murder didn't fit the characters and was addressed/explained very poorly. Hurley riding the VW Bus in to the rescue, and later taking all the credit for saving everybody, was absolutely perfect.

Locke's return was no surprise. As the sole person wanting to keep everyone on the island, I expect the island to keep resuscitating him through to the end in three seasons where he has to lead the Others in war against Jack once and for all.

Sawyer assassinating Tom. . .are we to start thinking that the killing of Locke's dad is the starting point for a far-too-comfortable-with-murder future for Sawyer? I hope not. I liked the idea of him becoming leader when Hurley shoved it on him earlier in the season (and Kate not knowing about the bet he lost questioning why he was calling her Kate instead of Freckles was priceless).

Hated it:

The M. Night Rmalamadingdong twists--
1. the flashback is really the future (the present? And all of the island stuff is now flashback? Whose flashback is it now? Was Hurley's season 2 flashback also a future flashback? Was Jack's dead dad supposedly being alive in the future for real or a delusion of Jack's? Why oh why do they have to kill all my hope that Jack and Kate will eventually die on the island by spoiling the future like this? What if this glimpse of the future isn't real, or is the further future person flashing back incorrectly? When is Cable going to show up and kill Stryfe?).

2. Naomi's a lying bitch and her boat isn't there to rescue people, at least not on Penny's orders.

Some new conclusions:
The Others have been the protagonists all along, they've just been suffering from letting themselves be infected by the evil that is/was Ben and more things will change more drastically with him out of the picture.

Whoever Naomi works for will prove mostly useless since we know there are still 48 episodes to go until series end.

And hey, it was nice to see the babysitter from Wes Craven's New Nightmare in something new.