Stop Loss

The last few months have been a bit of a struggle. Implementing change, even when the results trend toward the positive, is really very hard. Denise and I have grown stronger, fight a lot less. I like to think credit for this is due the extra care we've been putting in to new communication styles, changes in the relationship, etc. My big fear is that it's just because we don't see each other at all at least four days in every week. I'm betting it's most likely some combination of both things.

The last year has seen me struggling with another difficult transition as well. I'd come to realize that one of my longest running friendships had run to the point where it really wasn't a healthy relationship for me anymore. I spent a few months trying to fight myself in this realization, and trying to make this friend change themselves for the sake of saving our friendship, along the way making a lot of personal compromises and sacrifices I really wasn't comfortable with. Sometime in late March we all sat together and confronted this friend with various problems and observations, trying to "help" which to me, at that point, seemed a fruitless activity. And I said as much, that I'd reached the point of being tired of trying, that I wasn't going to try anymore.

This in itself proved a disservice to me, the friend and all of our interconnected relationships. Given the length of time and intensity of the friendship, and the interconnectivity of all my close friendships, declaration of giving up did not come along with a decision to then disassociate myself. This grew into months of expecting him to change without me putting any energy into it anymore, and the growing frustration as things didn't change except for when things would worsen. And somewhere along the way, any voicing of frustration on my part somehow made me a villain, or a tantuming infant rather than be taken as an opportunity for any introspection on any of our parts--a growing contest of who could be the bigger asshole while completely ignoring and invalidating the others complaints.

It took forever for me to get to the realization that the damage this situation was causing our friendship AND my own psyche was far too great. Far too great for the small return the friendship was giving either of us. Hard as it was to do, and it so really was, I removed myself from the equation and cut ties. I miss my friend dearly, but know in my heart that even if we were hanging out, the friendship would just return to the fallacy that it had been for the past 2-3 years. We're going to end up seeing each other at a party this weekend, and I fear myself letting myself go back to the old status quo. I hope I'm stronger than that.

I find myself lonelier these days. The absence of one of my closest friendships is painful. But ultimately, outside of the loneliness the decision has shown itself to be the right one for me. To just remove myself from the maelstrom of bullshit has improved my quality of life on all fronts save for the loneliness one.

I am happier. And I'm happier that Denise and I have grown a little closer in this time (and really, I hope my sharing here doesn't cause her upset or an increase of drama for any of us. I needed to talk about this and tried to be as neutral as possible). I'm happier the kids and I are closer. What's next for Evan? I don't really know. Hopefully there'll be a solution to the loneliness in there somewhere.

Halloweened

Halloween week was pretty good here:

Tasmia had her second birthday. She completely fell in love with her giant stuffed frog that Denise bought for her. I was particularly taken by how carefully she chose to eat her cake: like some sort of prim and proper gentlewoman with the tiniest dainty bites and zero mess or use of just fingers.

Halloween itself was another great success. Friday night we hosted our usual Rock Band party and made sure to include with the invites that the occasion would be a Halloween costume party as well. Everyone who came was up to the task and came costumed or made up to fully celebrate the night. Big ups to everyone who came!

Trick or treating was fun. This was Tasmia's first year as a full-on door-to-door trick-or-treater and she was great with the "Trick or Treats" and "thank you's" at most every door. Costuming this year saw pirates and ninjas setting aside their ages old feud in order to celebrate the gathering of candy together, all under the watchful eye of Jason Voorhies hacking the way to every house for them. Lots of good fun, and loads of pictures have since been uploaded to my Facebook profile.

In non-holiday updates, work has been very busy but nowhere near as frustrating or annoying as it can tend to be. I miss the absence of some friends, though I'm moving on fairly well. This week was also the anniversary of my grandmother's passing and that continues to be hard, but I bottle it well enough *wink*. I think Denise and my relationship is growing stronger and much better communicated, even if the process of getting there sometimes makes it feel otherwise.

It's been a week of fun times, more hope, some stress: the usual.

Mini Zombie Update

Personally, I'm almost entirely a happy guy. There is one, one point in my life where this is quite not the case, and hasn't been for a while, but Denise and I continue to work at that and that is all I can really ask or hope for. Read-between-the-liners can note this is me making it clear that above all things I'm putting life and marriage first here and things are getting better.

Breathing Out

There are times where our current situation leaving me uncomfortable with being 100% candid in a public forum really drags on me, most especially when I feel an intense need to vent personal frustrations and don't have a private outlet for doing so. If I'm pissed with Denise I can't vent to her about it, and haven't been venting here. If I'm pissed with a close friend, I likewise can't vent to them. It's very encumbering. I often feel as if I can't honestly be myself anymore, the most mundane aspect of my life a possible object of intense scrutiny and misrepresentation, leaving me with the most banal forms of expression. It's encumbering and on days like today where I really feel great amounts of frustration that I need to vent, it gets to be a little demoralizing and increasingly frustrating.

White Wedding

Today my favourite Canadian, Adj, is getting married. I think she's a doll and I wish her and Graig all the happiness in the world.

Manic Monday

I'm bogged down by homework (and CSU, Chico doesn't give us today's holiday off) but wanted to do a posting drive-by to assure anyone who cares that the bad mood isn't so bad anymore (mostly that I'm not pissed at everything and nothing at once).

Also, found out this weekend that Kenn married Ellie and want to extend my heartfelt cyber congratulations their way.

Oh, and did anyone catch the Legion of Super Heroes this weekend? It focuses on the Legion of Substitute Heroes and was sweet.

Vaguery

I've been beginning to rethink a decision we made this weekend, wondering how much I may have been overreacting to things, how much I've already been able to deal with, how much I trust...

Meh.

Sometimes I wonder why anyone would want excitement in their lives. Sometimes it can be a bit of a headache.

Netflix: Kevin Smith presents: Now You Know C/C+; Hate Crime B-; Veronica Mars Season 1 Disc 1 A+

Our apt. managers are offering us a $400 gift card for extending out lease another year (through September, 2008). I have to say that with the holiday, and kids expecting to get any presents this year, it's tempting. But do I really want to tie us down to this overly noisy, slightly pricey apartment for the next two years?