Grey Matters

I can't put my finger on a why for it, but I've been in a pretty dour mood the last two days. Really, nothing bad has happened to put me there and I'm wondering if maybe I've just woken up on the cliched wrong side of the bed.

Rael's disastrous behavior yesterday could definitely have its part to play, but I don't really feel it has. With his situation I went fairly quickly into "help my kid" mode, speeding up his intake into counseling, conferring with his principal, etc. And aside from that, the kids have actually been pretty stellar the last two days.

Aeia finally got her Visa gift card for placing 3rd in last Spring's Agribee and she hasn't wanted to rush off and go spend it--this is a good thing. I'm happy to see her controlling her impulses more and thinking about what she wants to do; a year ago she would have blown it all on candy.

Lash's settlement is being dealt with well and with no more hiccups. That's all I can say about that, but it should be enough anyway.

Last week was actually pretty damn good. Maybe my psyche just needs a day or two to balance it out. Or maybe I'm naturally a pretty shitty dude. I'm not going to discount either possibility.

I miss my friends. I really have little to no adult human interaction during the week, Of course I love my children and want them with me 24/7, but I do need to find a way to share my life with some peers as well, and not just during the 2-3 days the kids are with their mother.

Well

It's been a while. I'm just checking in to say I'm not dead, and this isn't either. There's just been a necessary hiatus. That's ending now.

More to follow. Soon.

Re-Tweeted

You may or may not have noticed that I've included my Twitter feed to this blog for the past few months. It's a chance for you to have mini snippets of me during those times I lag a bit more than we'd all like between posts here. And if you're inclined, you should totally follow me. Blah blah blah.
So today I tweeted (egads, I really do cringe at Twitter-speak, though I still use it for its growing universality amongst those who use it) the following: " evan_up Ironic from me, I know: Lately I find myself wishing more of the people closest to me would see the happy things in their lives. "

After the events of my post two previous to this one (that is, after I withdrew from certain other associations), Denise and I spent a good month or more (more) arguing, in our way (which means a lot of arguing from me and a lot of ignoring me slash escaping from reality into a book for Denise) as we worked through a personal problem that'd needed sorting for a couple years now, overshadowed previously by other matters. I feel that, while nothing is ever perfect and never will be, we've come through this together finally and into a much better place for it. I see in Denise though a reticence, a "is this just the calm before the next fight" quality to her demeanor. I regret that I'm probably deservedly to blame for her worrying this way but I hope I can get her to see that I'm happier now we've been working together and I look forward to the future we have more than I ever had in a long long time. I hope she can see the same bright star ahead soon; I'll have to work harder to help show her.

And then there's Aeia. The other day she made up this very charming Christmas card for me and Denise. Anyone who has ever received a homemade card from Aeia knows exactly how special and quirky wonderful these cards can be. This one, amidst all of its quirky Aeia-card perfection was also this bit of a gut puncher: I hope you and mom have a really nice Christmas, at least someone should have one.
Me: *dumbfounded* Sweetie, what's this? Don't you think you're going to have a good Christmas?
Aeia: No.
Me: You think you're going to have a bad Christmas?
Aeia: No. I think it's just going to feel like a regular day for me.
I don't quite know how to tackle that one. I hope we can find a way to make Christmas more special for her. Actually, I think as I typed the preceding sentence I figured out just how. I'll come back to this in a week and let you know how it worked.

To all of my home-fries out there (and if you think this applies to you, it probably does): finals are over, your friends and family love you, stop fretting over the minor stuff (especially, if it applies to you, Burgeropolis), stop worrying about what might happen with situations you haven't even started yet and start them instead--then worry about what to do about them; have more fun, laugh a little more--if you need help with this, call me, but me a drink or come over and kill some zombies or something.

words and music by Eric Idle

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best...

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.

So always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath

Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

And always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the right side of life...
(Come on guys, cheer up!)
Always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the bright side of life...
(Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
Always look on the bright side of life...
(I mean - what have you got to lose?)
(You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!)
Always look on the right side of life...

Mini Zombie Update

Personally, I'm almost entirely a happy guy. There is one, one point in my life where this is quite not the case, and hasn't been for a while, but Denise and I continue to work at that and that is all I can really ask or hope for. Read-between-the-liners can note this is me making it clear that above all things I'm putting life and marriage first here and things are getting better.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Today has been a bit roller-coastery for me emotionally. I've been told at times, by more than one person, that I can be "such a girl sometimes" and I shudder to say I agree, I can. I'm realizing life could be a lot less complicated, but that same path would make it even a lot less happier, so sometimes complication, and a little heart break, can be a good thing as well. Well, not a good thing, but at least better than the alternative of being nothing at all. Which is me siding with the "better to love and lose" crowd. This is not a divorce paragraph.

As the content is a little sparse today, a little TMI Tuesday questionnaire:




1. Under what conditions would you kiss a stranger?

Simple mutual attraction and being in the sort of place location-wise that wouldn't be inappropriate for such activities. A new acquaintance in greeting, yes. A hot chica in the queue at work, no. Some cutie at a nightclub, yeah.

2. Who was the last person you sent a text message to? If you’ve never sent someone a text message, is there some reason?

I don't own a cell phone slash blackberry or whatever else, so I don't text message. I do chat w/ Google with Cammie and Allpeers with Brian.

3. When was the last time you deliberately surprised someone?

There was a box of chocolates in Aimee's recent past.


4. How often do walk somewhere (hopefully, other than the mailbox)?

I don't do enough walking for leisure or exercise. I actually do a lot of walking at work.

5. What were the longest and shortest durations of your romantic relationships?

With using the broadest definitions of "relationship," we can say the shortest was ten or so minutes and the longest, not counting pining that went very long unrequited then not then badly, we'll say the longest has been with Denise at more than eleven years now.

Bonus (as in optional):What is missing from your life.

Constant happiness, but that's missing from everyone's life, or they're very different than I imagine normal. Loads of money. Reciprocation of all the love I give. A brand new car (I had a sudden flash to The Price is Right there and had to share it). Reason.

loudQUIETloud

This past week has seen a lot of stress for me at work, with my every move every minute of every day under heightened scrutiny as I work my ass off to stay on track for promotion. Things are all still moving forward, but I could really, really use a break, which isn't usually how I get to celebrate my days off either. When I have Saturday off, Denise typically works a full eight hour shift and Tasmia does not like her being gone, and so she wails a lot and won't let me calm her.

Lash tried out for little league baseball this past week, his first year playing. I really hope all of the practices see him improving more and more, and that he has fun. I actually have a lot of worry that in the end he'll spend more time frustrated and upset than having fun. Sometimes he has too-high expectations of himself. His coach says we should get him baseball video games because they'll help him come to understand the rules a little better. I guess I need to try renting at Blockbuster soon, or wherever else might have a baseball game. Hmph.

Tasmia is able to roll and scoot a lot better, requiring a lot more vigilance.

I'm very, very tired and spend too much free time lately brain-deading in front of the computer on Facebook. Just not seeing a lot of motivation to read a book or something lately. I've also been on a higher-than-normal Pixies kick lately.

Recent movies seen: The Martian Child (loved it); The Amateurs (loved it); Bangkok Girl (hated it); The Valley of Elah (meh, ok); Eastern Promises (meh, ok. Cronenberg's last few movies have ended in places/manners not very interesting to me); Eagle vs Shark (decent, too easy to draw comparisons to Napolean Dynamite) and 8mm 2 (awful). If you want spoilers and elaborations on these ratings, let me know.

Short Cuts

Well, I'm not dead. Crazy employee hasn't come in and shot anyone. Huzzah. I am, however, very tired, and today I got all light headed and nauseous, so I threw up at work and went home early, even though losing the hours is going to suck.

Today I also had the annual oncologist appointment. They did blood work and ordered a chest ct for me (tomorrow morning) after which I'll find out, eventually, if everything still looks good, or not. There were days the past few months that have left me worrying a little, but I think they were just periods of flu battling. At any rate, the yearly visit always amps up the stress levels a little, and I guess my stress levels showed fairly well on my face because I got a discussion with my oncologist about stress and depression and how he thinks I should consider looking into some help with that.

If only I had the time. I work during normal business hours every weekday and can't afford to miss a day of work, so must find other ways to de-stress: ample Xboxing, chatting/e-mailing friends, weekends with other friends and what little Denise & kid time I can get all help a little.

Congratulations to Cammie on scoring the writing gig she applied for!

50 Book Challenge #2 & 3:
Incubus Dreams and Micah, both by Laurell K Hamilton, both Anita Blake Vampire Hunter books (only one more to go...).

Ok, to be clear, I don't read these books for the erotic element (in and of itself, I've no problem with erotica and there is erotica I do enjoy reading for erotica's sake) and the past couple books have been seeing a steady increase in the erotic element and a steady decrease in the supernatural crime stuff. This makes the books not as fun for me. Incubus Dreams devotes more than a third, almost all of it back-to-back smack-dab in the middle of the book, to sex. So much so that it was extremely difficult remembering which other story elements were part of this novel when they popped back in at the end of the book. This was vexing. By my count, I think she added four new lovers to her bed and screwed, on page, three or four previous/current lovers. Seriously, I thought it all could have been scaled back some and more could have been done to attend to some of the other plots in the book (the subplot about the vampire politics of the vampire "Mormons" in the Church of Eternal Life was one I wanted a LOT more of and barely got any off-hand commentary in the wrap-up final chapter of the novel. Sigh.). It took a long time for me to finish this book because there was too much sex and no other plot for the majority of it all.

Micah, on the other hand, while saddled with two chapters of sex, was a lot more bearable and refreshing in how well it devoted a fair amount of time to its non-sexual story elements. Sadly, it was also short, very short (245 pages of slightly larger type and page numbers devoted to blank pages and chapter title pages every chapter) so that I read it in the span of a couple hours this morning. But I did like it, and as I didn't really dig Incubus Dreams or Cerulean Sins, I was glad to have at least this book veer back towards more of what made the series attractive to me in the first place.

I have three brand new books waiting for me (the new Stephen King, the first "Dexter" book and a recommendation via Cammie) after I finish the last in the series (so far) that we own, Danse Macabre, so I need to get to that and get it finished. So later gators.

A Life Less Ordinary

I absolutely love that movie, by the way.

Things have been a bit, ah, difficult at work this week. During three of my last four shifts, there have been money shortages from employee tills. I'm one of five employees that were present during all shifts in question, which makes me technically a suspect (which, please, is ludicrous) though, thankfully, no one in charge thinks it's me. We're all fairly certain of who the culprit is, but lacking the proof have to instead enact a bunch of new safety measures that have had the additional benefit of making the work day more complicated and inconvenient while also making everyone grow more paranoid and distrusting of each other. If only I could just castrate the culprit. . .

Yesterday I was able to be home from work long enough to eat a fast dinner and drop a word down in some Scrabulous before Denise informed she needed me to take her to the doctor. She was having massive gut pains and needed to be seen. Hours later she's x-rayed and they see some things that "are likely nothing serious at all" but, if they are serious "could be life threatening and must be attended to immediately" and so we were kicked out of the urgent care place and told to go to the emergency room, where we were told they'd have called ahead and they'd be waiting for us. The emergency room then made us wait an additional two hours before actually seeing Denise and deciding to test for anything.

The end result is that Denise was just full of shit.

However, the nice long wait and worry for this news had me up 'til about five this morning, and I had to be up by nine in order to make it to work by ten. So Evan is a very very tired boy.

* * * * *

I failed in the 50 Book Challenge for 2007. Book 1 for 2008:

Cerulean Sins by Laurell K. Hamilton. Pretty much more of the same. This time without the poor copy editing work of previous installments. And Anita Blake gets a bit more trampy, if that were possible. Still, including the book I'm on now, only three to go before I've finally finished 'em all.

The Empire Strikes Back

Facets of my life this week that I liken to being trapped in carbonite, in no order of importance:

Tomorrow I have to work at another of our owners' restaurants, one that is currently short management and wholly un-fun to work at, and try my best to make the best of it.

Work has been fantastically over-busy and under-staffed.

A coworker just broke up, badly, with a guy who has an extreme history of violence, and so I actually fear a tiny bit for my life, wondering when he'll come in waving a gun.

Chris left for more Army stuff today and will be gone more than half the year.

Rael keeps having vomit spells in the middle of the night.

Disability is fucking around with Denise and her maternity leave pay and it is infuriating.

The Batmobile has lost its wheel, peeps.

Standard Lines

Tomorrow, the kids return to school. Aeia is much more excited about starting 2nd grade than Lash is about starting 5th. I'm hoping a new teacher will prove more attentive and helpful to his recurring bully problems. Me, I'm looking forward to having a couple weeks of relative calm in the mornings while the kids are in school.

Denise and I have done some significant talking and things are better.

Nerdly updates: last weekend in Brian's Deadlands game, my harrowed Mormon blessed character reached the clearing at the end of the path when I miscalculated the blast radius on some dynamite I used to save the party from some Confederate tanks. Ah well, I did it for the lulz. My new character is going to be a blatant homage to Jake Chambers from Dark Tower. I haven't played a straight-up gunslinger in a while.

Yesterday was the end run on Denise's epic level campaign. We won, systems of government were restructured, oppressive slaving regimes were quashed, etc. and etc.

I've completed all of the main & faction quests in Elder Scrolls IV. Once I get in the video game mood again, I'll probably start exploring Gun and see if I can learn to love the 1st person shooter if it's set in the western genre. Cross them fingers.

Rael is becoming more and more kid and less and less baby. He's fun. Witness and participation in many kids' lightsaber duels now has him going up to people, lightly smacking them and squaking "die." When in the pool, if he can splash you, which he loves, he'll bop his head from side to side and let out a very teasing laugh-song.

I have three more months of DC comics to catch up on before I have to decide if I'm really going to wait until Denise recommences Drawing of the Three before I recommence Order of the Phoenix. Let's all devote a little energy to hoping she'll buckle before I have to consider going back on my resolve.

Is it weird that I'm really looking forward to the release of the straight-to-DVD White Noise 2, starring Nathan Fillion when I hated Keaton's White Noise 1 so very much? The sequel looks a lot better organized, and I greatly prefer Fillion's acting. Not that Keaton's bad, just not my preference. After watching all of Wonderfalls last week, I'm really jonesing for a big influx of writers, directors or actors I most love for their previous association with Joss Whedon projects.

Our dishwasher broke so Lash and I had some shared quality chore time today as I washed and he dried. Chores yippee. And I tackled some of the ever-encroaching clutter in the living room.

Chris returned from the Army last Thursday for the unforseeable future and Chrissy was nice enough to let us hang out with him early, Saturday past instead of Saturday next. I'm glad of it. Thanks Chrissy. It was nice to get to catch up and see him.

I need to decide what I want for my next tattoo in the next week. Probably something not too large or elaborate this time. I need to set myself up with an exercise schedule. I need to redouble job search efforts lest I end up a 33 year old crew member at McDonald's. I need to see about taking another leave of absence and hopefully saving enough moolah to get back to, and finish, my Master's Degree in the spring semester.

Surely I'm forgetting things, but I'm tired and you're forgiving.

Funkytown

Apparently, I'm not allowed to share my problems here.

Fascinating New Thing

The cable is finally off, and the person who wanted it canceled in order to save on finances was the first person to lament its end. At the moment, I'm watching tv on dvd--Huff season one to be specific.

I've had this mystery nausea for the past two days. It's really annoying at this point, the light headedness, the nausea, the constant gag reflex feeling. Yuck.

School's out for the kids after tomorrow. I'm so ready to be able to cut back on my chauffeur duties for nine or so weeks. Lots of swimming and working out beckons.

I've been playing Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion and I'm stuck on this quest to find clues about a stolen painting. It too is annoying, but I can abandon the quest and move on; I think I will.

Well, my head is beckoning to me to end this, so later days.

Sing My Best

Yesterday was kind of a bad day.

It started off with me in a bad mood, followed into an argument with Denise, continued into more of a bad mood, entered into a lackluster evening and ended with another argument with Denise.

The next one of my kids to drop a "tomorrow I need blank for school" bomb on me at bedtime again is going to be grounded the entire summer.

So, American Idol was pretty boring last night. A lot pretty boring. And Veronica Mars ended. It was such an unsatisfying ending too, with literally everything still left in the air, in the unknown. At the same time, it was somewhat fitting to end that way: the underdog vs. the world with no clue as to what the future holds. I miss it already.

Lost ends its season tonight. I'm praying for Charlie, as he and Hurley are the best things about the show, character-wise. But as my hopes consistently die on tv, I'll miss you Charlie.

Friday I'm disconnecting the cable and being done with it all entirely. There's so much more I should probably also be done with.

I'm thinking, a lot, of beginning to write my memoirs. Thoughts? It's not as if my impending MA in English is going to be good for anything.

I did however get an email this morning that made me very happy. But due to non disclosure agreements I can't share any of it with you. Sorry.

Veronica

I'm in an Elvis Costello mood, hence the post title. There shall be no actual Veronicas spoken about herein today. Sorry.

Sometimes, post titles being song titles, the posts will just be titled to fit the mood of the music I'm listening to, but usually I'll work to be sure that either the title of the song (post) or the content of that song actually have some sort of resonance for the content of the posting. I'm also going to jukebox the music here when I remember to so that you can enjoy my musical moods as you read along.

There was some nerdiness to be had this weekend. We did a little HeroClix. Saturday night was my twice monthly Deadlands game; it was a good deal of fun for me as a GM, even if they didn't get a whole lot done (which is always ok for me as long as it's fun, dig) but they did reach the waystation, putting them just about halfway through my Gunslinger homage.

Rereading some of what I've typed above, I realized that I copy these posts to my Myspace blog as well (as Ian and others are Myspace peeps now and don't come here for the bloggy goodness) and so some of the things I wrote above, e.g. jukebox, and in some of the previous posts don't make a lot of sense for those readers.

Too bad for them.

All right, Drew has started the inevitable asking of our naming plans for mystery child #4 and I feel like being a bit of a tease. Since we tend to give the kids at least two middle names, I'll preview here for you today the second middle name for mystery child #4.

If MC4 is going to be a boy, the 2nd middle name will be Apocrypha. If MC4 proves female, the 2nd middle name will be Leora.

On Friday, Chrissy accompanied me to get the tires replaced on the Mustang. While driving (yes, driving. It runs! Woot.) to the tire store we discovered that the 'Stang needs a new radiator now too (and I have some question about the brakes). I'm so thankful for Chrissy, she's been such a help & blessing. The plan is to try and pull a good one from the junkyard and replace with it.

Well folks, I think I'm going to sign out here. Heroes just finished TiVoing and I don't want anyone to be able to spoil the season finale for me before I get the chance to watch. So watch it I shall.

l.g.f.u.a.d.

Two weeks from now will be this blog's third anniversary. Somehow, I don't think I actually expected I would still be doing this three years later, but blogging has been a good outlet for me to vent the occasional frustration, share the occasional musing or new cool thing, to bounce ideas off myself and others. Blah ditty-blah blah blah.

I started out with a sense of foreboding, that something big was looming in the future and that my world as I knew it would be coming to an end. Crazy nutcase connotations aside, hasn't it?

My life upheavals thus far in the life of this blog have included cancer; familial upheaval; a name change; re-starting school; a new baby; a move; permanent body modifications; Bryan's abuse of Lash, his capture, his trial; marital issues and so on. It's been a long three years, a very long three years and I thank everyone who's been there with me for the ride thus far.

So, last night I'm watching the latest Netflix arrival--the Family Stone (don't start, I have a Claire Danes addiction). While a little entertaining, it was extremely predictable from the outset. Alas. Watching it reminded me (as did a death in a peer's family recently) that I too, of course, am going to die someday. The odds are against me as far as the future goes--the threat of cancer remission will loom until it either comes back or something else kills me, and it depresses me to think that someday my kids will be living their lives without me there to enjoy watching them live them.

It's made my mood a bit maudlin, and I'm not the best conversationalist today.

I Will Never Write an Obligatory Song About Being on the Road and Missing Someone

Folks, I apologize for how boring this blog has been of late.

Frankly, most of my positive creative energy is completely devoted to writing letters to Chris. So much so that I don't keep up with my assigned school readings and I haven't written a new poem in months. You've no idea bhow much of a creative drain it is to find the write song title to crib for each post title these days (did anyone even notice when I started doing that?). What's left is the really banal day-to-day, writing about all the parts of life that are miserable or memes just to let you know I'm around.

I imagine reading the banal day-to-day is as boring to read as it is to write, so I haven't done a lot of that.

I don't like the way I feel when I write about the things that bring me misery. I feel as if I'm whining and that you don't come here for that; so I actively avoid complaining as much as I can.

So, when I have a dry week, you get a meme. It would be different if this blog generated an income; I'd have a reason to work at providing interesting and intellectually stimulating conversation topics and postings. But this blog doesn't help pay the bills, so you get what I can give when I can give it, and lately I haven't been feeling the most positive, which impacts my enthusiasm for writing greatness here.

My next two posts will likely be my first two papers in my literary criticism class (mentioned previously in "Hot For Teacher") so you can see what she liked so well that she set me publicly above most of our class.

Griping aside, I love this blog; I love you guys and I love entertaining you guys; I just haven't had it in me lately.

Oh, one last thing: Castpost is broken. Does anyone know of any other audio file hosting sites I can use in order to post the occasional song here?