Dear Santa,

I just want to start by saying that, especially given all the circumstances, I've been pretty darn good this year. Last year for Christmas, a year I had been feeling even better about, the kids and I were served a whopping serving of heartbreak and feelings of betrayal and the shattering of our family unit. In the year since then, we've endured the struggle to remain a strong and loving family, the realized fear of abduction, absolute poverty, medically insane flatmates and a growing appreciation for our inner strength and ability to come back together as a family.

This year, do you think you could work on dropping off a little happiness? I've already handled the whole presents-for-kids situation--just send the kids the ability to find happiness on the anniversary of their mom's decision to jack things up; give them the ability to be happy with the holiday again, and to be able to enjoy it with each of their parents.

I could go for some happiness too. As much as I'd like, I won't ask for meteors (that's a request I continue to reserve for The Universe) or a booty call. My brother Jeremy says I should ask you for the red limited edition Wii anniversary bundle I want so there you go.

Re-Tweeted

You may or may not have noticed that I've included my Twitter feed to this blog for the past few months. It's a chance for you to have mini snippets of me during those times I lag a bit more than we'd all like between posts here. And if you're inclined, you should totally follow me. Blah blah blah.
So today I tweeted (egads, I really do cringe at Twitter-speak, though I still use it for its growing universality amongst those who use it) the following: " evan_up Ironic from me, I know: Lately I find myself wishing more of the people closest to me would see the happy things in their lives. "

After the events of my post two previous to this one (that is, after I withdrew from certain other associations), Denise and I spent a good month or more (more) arguing, in our way (which means a lot of arguing from me and a lot of ignoring me slash escaping from reality into a book for Denise) as we worked through a personal problem that'd needed sorting for a couple years now, overshadowed previously by other matters. I feel that, while nothing is ever perfect and never will be, we've come through this together finally and into a much better place for it. I see in Denise though a reticence, a "is this just the calm before the next fight" quality to her demeanor. I regret that I'm probably deservedly to blame for her worrying this way but I hope I can get her to see that I'm happier now we've been working together and I look forward to the future we have more than I ever had in a long long time. I hope she can see the same bright star ahead soon; I'll have to work harder to help show her.

And then there's Aeia. The other day she made up this very charming Christmas card for me and Denise. Anyone who has ever received a homemade card from Aeia knows exactly how special and quirky wonderful these cards can be. This one, amidst all of its quirky Aeia-card perfection was also this bit of a gut puncher: I hope you and mom have a really nice Christmas, at least someone should have one.
Me: *dumbfounded* Sweetie, what's this? Don't you think you're going to have a good Christmas?
Aeia: No.
Me: You think you're going to have a bad Christmas?
Aeia: No. I think it's just going to feel like a regular day for me.
I don't quite know how to tackle that one. I hope we can find a way to make Christmas more special for her. Actually, I think as I typed the preceding sentence I figured out just how. I'll come back to this in a week and let you know how it worked.

To all of my home-fries out there (and if you think this applies to you, it probably does): finals are over, your friends and family love you, stop fretting over the minor stuff (especially, if it applies to you, Burgeropolis), stop worrying about what might happen with situations you haven't even started yet and start them instead--then worry about what to do about them; have more fun, laugh a little more--if you need help with this, call me, but me a drink or come over and kill some zombies or something.

words and music by Eric Idle

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best...

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.

So always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath

Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

And always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the right side of life...
(Come on guys, cheer up!)
Always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the bright side of life...
(Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
Always look on the bright side of life...
(I mean - what have you got to lose?)
(You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!)
Always look on the right side of life...

Mini Zombie Update

Personally, I'm almost entirely a happy guy. There is one, one point in my life where this is quite not the case, and hasn't been for a while, but Denise and I continue to work at that and that is all I can really ask or hope for. Read-between-the-liners can note this is me making it clear that above all things I'm putting life and marriage first here and things are getting better.

Thirty Five

Hello Blogland, did you miss me? Every day I log in and see the blog (Shade and Sweet Water is my homepage), note the June 2nd last entry date and remind myself I need to blog. I'll do it tomorrow, I say. Three weeks of tomorrows later it's probably a good time to actually get on my hiney and do some typing.

Let me launch things off with a quick happy birthday shout out to my old San Luis Obispo partner in crime, Tassy. Happy birthday, Tassy! Miss you.

Speaking of birthdays, as most of you are aware, mine was this past Thursday. I took my fifth and final vacation day on Thursday so that I could enjoy my birthday and get paid while I was at it (and also took Friday off for any possible recovery needs, losing my usual Saturday off. No Rock Banding for me tonight. This makes me pout a lot). As birthdays go, the day went 99% groovy and truthfully, if not for some minor annoyances at the very end of the celebratin' it would have been perfect; still it was the finest I'd had in years.

The morning started out with Alex watching the kids for us while Denise and I met with Lash's counselor to discuss his progress and how she'd like us to approach some interactions and behavior modelling with him. This was followed with a quick walk-in trip to Gearhead Barbershop and Tattoo where Denise got her very first tattoo and I set myself up with an appointment to come back later and get more ink done.

Enjoyed some great carne asada burritos from Aca Taco with Denise and Alex and then he and I returned to Gearhead while Denise went on cake and last-minute gift retrieval. In tattoo land I added another "grace" to my arm--this time the Japanese kanji. And going against all reports of what my next intended tattoo would be (an astrological chart on back), I got a chocolate ice cream cone on my left shoulder. Pictures, once I upload them, will be on my Facebook page.

Farewell to Alex, and back home Denise and I enjoyed a bit of quiet couples time, which can be a little tricky when both parties have fresh tattoos to be mindful of.

Present time with the kids: Blu-Rays of The X-Men Trilogy, Lost Season 1, and True Romance. And Region 1 DVDs of Spaced. We're hoping the move won't tax our wallet too much and I'll finally be getting an HDTV with the remainder for my late birthday present so I can fully enjoy these cinematic goodies.

Denise got Chris to make us steak for my dinner and it was perfect. Then some ice cream cake, a little play with the kids and the eventual shuffling off of them to bed. After that we began taking in some of our favorite guests for later night margaritas and Rock Banding (and more prezzies: a microphone multi-tap for Rock Band allowing up to four singers on one slot at once. Harmonizing could prove crazy difficult. Katie and Lisa came along with themselves wrapped as presents with a fun homemade card).

Recovery day was spent with a bit more kid time and me finally tackling the Endless Setlist on Rock Band 2.

Now I've got to start getting myself ready to work again.

Mark These Words

My word for 2009 aside, I do have certain goals for the coming year as well (not resolutions, just stuff I'd like to complete, and great if I do, oh well if I don't): win, grow, lose, continue, begin, end, win. This list makes complete sense to me, though I know that my avoiding definition/expansion makes the entire thing perhaps manipulatively vague--I apologize for this, but it'll remain as such for the nonce. I may/will elaborate as goals are met though. More likely will than may.

Last week a dear friend of mine sat me down to talk to me about my clearly being strongly depressed, and the intervention on their part moved me, but admittedly felt to have come from left field because I know that I've actually, as far as general emotions go,been more up than not and on a trend of up being more and more.

Then I read this blog and can see where a lot can be read into things here. I do gripe a decent amount sure. And clearly, reasonably, the passing of my grandmother left me depressed; at the time, motivating me out of bed was a task. Now, I remain sad, ever will, that she isn't here any more, but I'm at peace. I miss her and love her and live my life. You dig?

As much as I complain about my job, I'm actually thankful for it. It pays my bills, mostly, and cares for my family. I may grouse, and do work with thoughts towards something better, but I'm happy to be in the position I'm in when so many people are struggling so much harder right now. I feel fortunate.

Denise and I are in a really good place with our relationship. The kids are healthy and usually happy, always loved and loving. My appetites remain the same; my hobbies continue with the same attention as always. I live life looking forward to what the day will bring me and what I will bring the day.

I've never been the guy who walks around smiling like an insane person, and even at my happiest, I'm not a big laugher (which is actually hard with less lungs). There are days I may have a down mood, a moment of anger. Right now I have a great amount of worry for a large handful of my closer friends, which respecting all of their privacies is all I'll say there.

It makes me happy, touched even, to have been shown that I'm important to others and that they care, and it's because of this I feel I want to assure you all, when looking at my emotional state on whole, I am in a much better place than I was one or two years ago. I am happy.

And damn it, I will get happier.

Superman

The first week of Operation Optimism is over and all told, save for a couple small stumbles, it went very well. By the weekly Saturday Rock Band get together, I was ready and able to fully and thoroughly enjoy myself. This coming week will be a greater test, I think, as there are the stresses involved with the holidays, this being my first major holiday without a call to my grandma, my work schedule absolutely sucking major ass this week and one of our cars is currently broken (if I ever come to be able to afford a new car, instead of another in an eternal string of used ones destined to doom, I think this would make me sublimely pleased). But I will find a way to keep my chin up. Count on that.

Friday evening the Taylors were kind enough to take all our kids for 3-4 hours so Denise and I could have some alone time for the first time in years. We went out for ice cream; it was nice.

The kids are all very excited for Christmas; Rael expresses this the most loudly and frequently. They make the holiday fun again. Rael's also been doing a lot of comparing peoples' muscles and declaring I'm the strongest in our family. It's cute and that "Daddy is Superman" phase for kids is clearly my favourite.

Return of the Jedi

There are, naturally, many bright sides to any amount of drear in my day or week.

I have a beautiful wife, beautiful children, beautiful friends, all of whom I try my best to enjoy daily (even the one lying beside me this instant wailing for her mother's comforting embrace--Tasmia doesn't quite like me yet), and enjoy them I do.

I've had "Message in a Bottle" stuck in my head since Saturday night and I'm still quite happy to have it there. I'm beginning to annoy people with my constant singing of it at work. Silly people.

Netflix graced my mailbox with three of my favourite movies today: Shoot 'Em Up, Romeo is Bleeding and Millions. Seriously, snob that I am, if you've seen this and don't love them, I think there's something wrong with you. Herein we have the absolutely best mindlessly violent funny movie of 2007 with the best mindlessly violent funny movie of 1993 broken up by the absolutely brilliant PG family movie by the guy who brought us Trainspotting and 28 Days Later and of them all, this is the one that is the mostfucking brilliant. That's right, mostfucking.

Guitar Hero II.

An actual full weekend off to do with as I please.

And, of course, there's you, always reliable to make my day.