Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head

The weather is absolutely haywire lately. Yesterday was another sweltering summer day. Today is a gloomy rain-soaked torrent riddled with thunder and lightning. Thankfully, my mood does not reflect the weather of the day.

Denise was kind enough to give me SECOND right of childcare for her on Friday because the Taylors won't watch the kids for her this Friday (as we covered in last post, she's supposed to be asking me before asking them every time, not after asking them) and so I traded shifts with a coworker to get that day off so I could spend more time with the kids. I had to work today for my coworker in exchange. Denise gets Rael and Tassy on Wednesday until Thursday. I needed a sitter for Lash and Aeia from 3-6 and did as required and asked her. She turned it down. . .why? She has the other two, so why reject the others? I seriously wonder if it's a passive-aggressive response from her towards Lash and Aeia being vocally un-supportive of and angry toward her. Ah well, they had a more enjoyable time hanging out at my work for three hours anyway.

My boss and one of my co-managers are Mexican (no, NOT Mexican American) and have a very nasty habit of reverting to Spanish only when they want to talk shit about someone right in front of them (assuming the person doesn't understand them). I have absolutely no respect for these people; I don't speak anywhere near fluent Spanish but I understand well enough to know what they're saying most of the time and who they're saying it about. It's like working for high schooler ass-hats. Not working with them is one of the things I like about my usual night shifts.

Well

It's been a while. I'm just checking in to say I'm not dead, and this isn't either. There's just been a necessary hiatus. That's ending now.

More to follow. Soon.

Next Year

Last year, my New Years Word was passion (and the decision to continue on with grace, which remains the case). I don't think living a life with more passion was at all a beneficial change in life for me. Being more passionate about my friendships led to caring more about them for both their benefits and their deficiencies which led to disappointment at friends who didn't share nearly the same passion and ultimately their ending. Being more passionate about my marriage led to caring more about our varied problems and a desire to work harder to fix them. Ultimately, this too was a failed decision.

For most of this month my decision had been that this years word, this years goal for personal development and growth would be forgiveness. To work at overlooking the deficiencies of others and instead forgive them and welcome back friendships discarded for caring too much. Over the past week I held to this word-decision if only to hopefully make life at home in some way manageable again.

I can't do it.

I've grown too cognizant of the fact that forgiveness isn't likely in me anymore right now. For whatever reasons, I'm not ready to just overlook the deficiencies of others or the pain others instill. If people can't own the wrongs they themselves commit, I'm not in a place to forgive their faults. I'm finding that I instead feel quite the opposite and am intent on protecting myself instead from the bile expressed by others.

I can't do forgiveness now. So if not that, what? I'm finding that perhaps a much more important word for me to live this year is healing. I think healing will be the most significant aspect of life I should pursue internally right now and recognize in some cases where that may mean not being nice, which is why forgiveness won't always be a component of healing. If I can find myself healing, and if I can help my children to heal any pains of their own, then this years word will have been a success. The best part of healing, besides getting better, is knowing that the friends and loved ones who are there with us are all a positive part of this process.