Breaking Bad

As I mentioned a few posts back I'm going through a massive infusion of old tv shows; right now I'm rotating seasons on Skins and Breaking Bad. The former is a Brit TV teen drama I've watched before and love, the latter comes recommended by my friend Micah.

I'm going to say that, so far, I'm liking Breaking Bad but I can't quite put my finger on why. See, the lead character Walt White (ah alliterative names aren't just for comic books anymore), played by Brian Cranston is not at all sympathetic to me. Which is really odd since you would think a character ravaged by lung cancer and only concerned about seeing to his family would push all the right buttons for me (and if you have to ask why, well then you don't know me and have never read this blog; read the last five years' entries and then come back).

Walt isn't an overly prideful person in the pilot and yet it seems clear that his pride seems to be his only real driving motivation. I can totally get behind him becoming a drug manufacturer in order to provide funds for his family when it seemed like his only option for leaving them flush after his passing. He makes a big deal of his own moral dilemmas in the story and is clearly a man we're supposed to believe is weighed heavily upon by every immoral decision he has to make. I'm so very fine with this.

But then enter the Bill Gates level rich college buddy who not only wants to give him a high paying job, but knowing of his cancer also arranges for 100% health care coverage to be able to afford all of those experimental and unlikely to be successful treatments he so desperately needs. The man of morality should at this moment take the job, the insurance, stop making meth and go from there. Not Walt. Walt instead turns it down, goes on producing meth and lies to his family telling them he did take the offer.

But pride is a tricky bitch you say. It is all powerful and forces his decision. But if any of the rest of his personality and motivations are true, then I call bullshit on pride. If putting aside pride lets him stop the dangerous business of meth manufacture and allows him the treatment, and time with his family, that he needs then pride is nothing. The only real answer is that his family can't be anywhere near as important to him as he, and the creators, wants us to believe.

Pride is a sin I'm very proud to lay claim upon and while I was very fortunate to have 100% health coverage for my own lung cancer, if my best college buddy had ridden in on a white horse and an open checkbook you better fucking believe I would have set everything else I was doing aside in order to suck his coffers dry and make sure my children would always, always be taken care of fuck-all to my pride.

Sons of Anarchy has a drive toward nobility in some of the characters that redeems them for us as the viewer and frees us to invest ourselves in hoping for them that everything will somehow work out. Breaking Bad lacks this because everything the one character we're supposed to follow as the drive of the show is so absolutely flawed and self-interested that he's lost his redeeming qualities. I don't root for him. His family would be better off if he dies before he gets too involved with the dangerous criminal element, regardless of how much money they are left with. The writing is good, but the characters aren't (which is why I never liked Sopranos) and I don't know if good writing will be enough to get me through the second and third season. We'll see.

Cancer Checked

Today was my annual oncologist appointment (I only delayed it two months this time instead of something like eight), which really doesn't do much in itself. My oncologist listened to my breathing and states that it sounds like everything continues to be fine. My annual chest ct with radioactive contrast was also scheduled (this coming Friday), the results of which will more clearly determine whether all remains well or no. I need to make a regular dr. appointment too and determine if my high blood pressure was more a result of annual stress at this particular visit, and other things, or if I need to have my BP better monitored/regulated.

I need to direct some energy towards other endeavors now. Later!

Live to Tell

I've been getting a little berating from Brian and Denise for not writing here in almost a wweek. Sorry, I haven't wanted to share this last week, but I could have probably found something somewhat banal to say at least.

I have a lot on my mind right now, and much of it relates to things that I actually refrain from sharing here, which makes sharing the rest here harder. I'm still dedicated to a much greater writing output; I just need a few days to compose myself this week.

Tomorrow is my annual oncology appointment. I'm a little extra stressed about that.

So What

I had something to say last night, and lying in bed I decided I'd get to it today. And of course I can not remember what the heck I wanted to say last night. Lame.

Last week my Xbox 360 died, threw on up the dreaded "red rings of death" and so it's now in transit to the good folks at Microsoft's repair center in Texas. I know it's just a video game, which is so nothing in the grand scheme of things, but it's an integral part of my weekly unwind from work and spend time with friends every Saturday night, so its absence is abhorrent in that regard. For me, there aren't other options for Saturday nights at my place: gaming is Sunday (and 2 days a week is draining); if I never ever play Phase 10 again I will die happy. So, for a couple weeks, while I wait on an idea for how long the repair will take, I've rented a console, which is still slightly inconvenient, but better than the alternative for me.

This morning Denise woke me up to tell me my car wouldn't start and to give her a ride to work. Irksome. I need to figure that one out. It ran perfectly fine yesterday.

Yearly oncology appointment is next monday. . .

I'm so over all of the Obama mania. Can we get over it already and get this country working well again? The guy needs to start kicking ass right out of the gate, so get to it already. History's been made. Whoop-de-do. Next?

Any Given Sunday

Yeah, I neglected posting yesterday. As it stands, as an amendment to my previous declaration of needing to do daily posts. My Sundays are usually a pretty big drain on my creative muscles as it is, so I think Sunday will be the day I skip blogging the most often. Every other day though, hold me to it folks.

So, wishing a very Happy Birthday to Aimee's little man, Cameron!

Nerdgaming went fairly well this week. I actually succeeded in writing out more plans than were necessary, leaving me pre-prepared for the next session, as they (in a good way) dawdled their way through part one of the two parts I had planned out. And an npc cameo by my old Elmer Fudd voiced gnomish wizard added to the enjoyment as I set the group out on the first stages of their next, and likely last, adventure.

I'm having a bit of difficulty fully waking up today. I'm wondering if my old fatigue problems are returning. I also need to get my annual oncology appointment scheduled. I'm already a little over a month late doing it. It still blows my mind a little that my surgery was only three and a half years ago. What blows my mind more? In fewer years than that, my Lash will be a teenager. I am getting old.

Groundhog Day

Groundhog day has come and gone and I neglected to find out if the little prognosticator decreed we would have a longer winter. I do know it's been truly effing cold and dreary and I am ready for some sunshine already. My favourite lesbian at work was talking about how she hated the movie Groundhog Day and I chimed in that it was to that movie that Denise and I began our relationship (a topic I don't actually think of much, as our getting together was also attached to a bad memory of losing a friend. . .and I haven't seen the movie since). She then made me do a spit-take by asking if we "were what, chasing the same guy?"

Work has been stressful, what with employees constantly calling in sick, various inspections past and pending, and, of course, the customers. Always the customers. I think some of our customers are the craziest lot of mouth breathers in the world, but some of them are fairly nice too, so I'll be ceasing the bitching, for the moment anyway.

If you're waiting with baited breath for news on my cancer check-up: everything was still clear, so I have another yearlong furlough until I have to go in for testing again. Denise was even nice enough to remember to tell me the good news a whole two days after they called and told her for me.

Aeia turned eight on Monday. Eight. Wow. It's hard sometimes to remember she was the baby that the doctors told us to expect to lose. And now she's eight. Fo' shizzle.

I watched Juno last night. I'm still digesting it. I think it bothered me that Jason Bateman and Michael Cera were in a movie together so soon and not playing father and son. I liked the movie, though, just not sure yet how much. I'm still thinking about it (to steal lines from Cammie stealing lines from Lash).

Ugh, there is dried grease particles in my hair. Fucking gross.

Word to your mothers.

Short Cuts

Well, I'm not dead. Crazy employee hasn't come in and shot anyone. Huzzah. I am, however, very tired, and today I got all light headed and nauseous, so I threw up at work and went home early, even though losing the hours is going to suck.

Today I also had the annual oncologist appointment. They did blood work and ordered a chest ct for me (tomorrow morning) after which I'll find out, eventually, if everything still looks good, or not. There were days the past few months that have left me worrying a little, but I think they were just periods of flu battling. At any rate, the yearly visit always amps up the stress levels a little, and I guess my stress levels showed fairly well on my face because I got a discussion with my oncologist about stress and depression and how he thinks I should consider looking into some help with that.

If only I had the time. I work during normal business hours every weekday and can't afford to miss a day of work, so must find other ways to de-stress: ample Xboxing, chatting/e-mailing friends, weekends with other friends and what little Denise & kid time I can get all help a little.

Congratulations to Cammie on scoring the writing gig she applied for!

50 Book Challenge #2 & 3:
Incubus Dreams and Micah, both by Laurell K Hamilton, both Anita Blake Vampire Hunter books (only one more to go...).

Ok, to be clear, I don't read these books for the erotic element (in and of itself, I've no problem with erotica and there is erotica I do enjoy reading for erotica's sake) and the past couple books have been seeing a steady increase in the erotic element and a steady decrease in the supernatural crime stuff. This makes the books not as fun for me. Incubus Dreams devotes more than a third, almost all of it back-to-back smack-dab in the middle of the book, to sex. So much so that it was extremely difficult remembering which other story elements were part of this novel when they popped back in at the end of the book. This was vexing. By my count, I think she added four new lovers to her bed and screwed, on page, three or four previous/current lovers. Seriously, I thought it all could have been scaled back some and more could have been done to attend to some of the other plots in the book (the subplot about the vampire politics of the vampire "Mormons" in the Church of Eternal Life was one I wanted a LOT more of and barely got any off-hand commentary in the wrap-up final chapter of the novel. Sigh.). It took a long time for me to finish this book because there was too much sex and no other plot for the majority of it all.

Micah, on the other hand, while saddled with two chapters of sex, was a lot more bearable and refreshing in how well it devoted a fair amount of time to its non-sexual story elements. Sadly, it was also short, very short (245 pages of slightly larger type and page numbers devoted to blank pages and chapter title pages every chapter) so that I read it in the span of a couple hours this morning. But I did like it, and as I didn't really dig Incubus Dreams or Cerulean Sins, I was glad to have at least this book veer back towards more of what made the series attractive to me in the first place.

I have three brand new books waiting for me (the new Stephen King, the first "Dexter" book and a recommendation via Cammie) after I finish the last in the series (so far) that we own, Danse Macabre, so I need to get to that and get it finished. So later gators.

l.g.f.u.a.d.

Two weeks from now will be this blog's third anniversary. Somehow, I don't think I actually expected I would still be doing this three years later, but blogging has been a good outlet for me to vent the occasional frustration, share the occasional musing or new cool thing, to bounce ideas off myself and others. Blah ditty-blah blah blah.

I started out with a sense of foreboding, that something big was looming in the future and that my world as I knew it would be coming to an end. Crazy nutcase connotations aside, hasn't it?

My life upheavals thus far in the life of this blog have included cancer; familial upheaval; a name change; re-starting school; a new baby; a move; permanent body modifications; Bryan's abuse of Lash, his capture, his trial; marital issues and so on. It's been a long three years, a very long three years and I thank everyone who's been there with me for the ride thus far.

So, last night I'm watching the latest Netflix arrival--the Family Stone (don't start, I have a Claire Danes addiction). While a little entertaining, it was extremely predictable from the outset. Alas. Watching it reminded me (as did a death in a peer's family recently) that I too, of course, am going to die someday. The odds are against me as far as the future goes--the threat of cancer remission will loom until it either comes back or something else kills me, and it depresses me to think that someday my kids will be living their lives without me there to enjoy watching them live them.

It's made my mood a bit maudlin, and I'm not the best conversationalist today.

Weekly Update

It's been a week...

Spent Monday morning freaking out thinking I had a paper due that I wasn't ready for. Thankfully, I was wrong. I have two more weeks on the paper.

Tomorrow I have the appointment with the oncologist that I was supposed to make back in September. I know, I'm a dumb ass about taking so long on that. On the bright side, I continue to feel very well, breathing-wise. I have a cough, but it's just this flu circulating around Chico.

I finally finished all the races on Burnout: Revenge, so that leaves me two weeks to beat Dead Rising before I take the 360 back to Rent-A-Center. My latest ebay round isn't going so well, so it might be a while before I can swing a real one.

We met with the DA and a bunch of other folks attached to helping our side in the coming trial. Right now, it's fairly definite that Lash will be testifying--twice. We're supposed to find out the date of the preliminary trial (the jury trial comes much later) on Thursday afternoon.

Had to write another cento for poetry class. Don't know if I'm going to share that one here--it's a little racy.

I hate typing on this laptop. It gives my biceps a cramp--bad angles. I can speed hunt/peck like I can on he desktop.

50 Book Challenge: completed book #3: Sylvia Plath; Collected Poems. Next up is some book of essays by Robert Haas.

Congrats to Chrissy on her new job. I'm happy that someone in my circle is finally able to do something they actually want to do, career-wise.

We're having Aeia's birthday party this Saturday, but let her open our gifts and Aimee's gifts on her actual birthday. She liked everything, even the socks and underwear. I have to help her paint this cute dragonfly wind chime that Aimee sent on Thursday.

Netflix latest: Sherrybaby. I liked it, but was a bit annoyed at the character of Sherry and the decisions she makes. Mindhunters. This FBI, whodunnit was a good deal better than I ever expected, but still no better than just rental fare. Dungeons and Dragons: the Complete Animated series. The first childhood cartoon that's held up for me as entertaining. And the kids dug it. Next up is Last Kiss. I hope Zach Braff's as good in this as in Garden State (one of my favorites).