Twilit

I started this before my current hardships began. I don't know if I'll find the heart to care to finish it:

As much as I’ve decried the series for its Mormon allegory, I’m not going to focus on it in too much depth as I examine the story here (rather, I’ll refer interested parties to this article for the LDS allegorical discussion as well as to invite readers to simply Google “Twilight Mormon allegory” if they so desire): http://www.touchstonemag.com/archives/article.php?id=22-08-024-f .

The preface.
As I read through this short bit of text, I’m left wondering if anyone took the time to tell the author the difference between a preface and a prologue.

First Sight (also known as chapter one).
Here on the first page is where Bella really starts to lose me: “Neither of us was what anyone would call verbose.” Prolixity (from Latin prolixus, extended, also called verbosity and garrulousness) in language refers to speech or writing which uses an excess of words. Adjectival forms include prolix, verbose, and garrulous. Which, for the layman, means a person who is verbose talks or writes a lot. A lot. If Bella is not verbose, why do we have a 245 page (my edition) novel told in her voice? Ostentatiously, why do we have four such novels in her voice? At some point I’m going to end this exploration with a return to this statement: if she’s so not-verbose why couldn’t she just shut the fuck up then?
Two more pages in I’m convinced that at least the character of Bella has no clue what verbose means because she and her father are displaying it in spades (and by page eight I’m convinced Stephanie Meyer should have fired her copyeditor). I leave the first chapter not at all enamored of our primary antagonist. She comes off as either ignorant or a liar (see the verbose statement above), and she’s shown to be a bit of a bitch, where she can’t be bothered to retain the names of the other girls she meets, nor can she be bothered to pay attention to any of their prattling until they start talking about subjects she herself initiates, rather than any of the other subjects that instead interest them.

Chapter one also resonated heavily for me as an allusion to the newly adult LDS male going on his mission: like Bella wanting to go while simultaneously dreading the upheaval of their life, missing “home” and even the suggestion that remaining would be a hardship for the parent (as Bella suggests staying in Phoenix would be bad for mom, and an LDS child-man turning away from their mission would be a socially damaging action for their parents).

At this point I’m having trouble deciding whether I simply dislike the writing style, or if there’s nothing necessarily off-putting about the style; rather the main character is thus far just so unappealing that I lump my dislike for her into my dislike for Meyer’s prose. We’ll see how far along I can force myself through this.

Home Movie in 217 Words

This movie stars my least favorite actor in Heroes with bad enough acting and dialog as to guarantee its place amongst the sort of horror movies I would usually be watching with Chris (i.e. enjoyably awful) only much more dull. This was the sort of dull that I couldn't maintain my own full attention for the first half hour the acting and storyline was that bad. Start to finish this film, the reactions of the parents, is so absurdly unbelievable as to give this movie an absolute failing grade. You see where this movie is going, there will be no surprise in the ending. Still, 45 minutes or so in, it started becoming harder to ignore the film in favor of Facebook. An hour in, knowing full well that nothing would be a surprise, nothing would be new for this story, the acting no better, the plot as nonsensical, I could not draw my attention away. My chest was, and remains 15 minutes post-movie, tense. Breathing shallow. I became filled with a growing dread. And could not stop watching. I wanted to stop watching, but knew that doing so would somehow make it even scarier--coming to the ending that was so expected would somehow be more amelliorating than shutting off. I may have been wrong. This movie fucking scared me.

Ongoing Conversation Between Me and Rael

This started two weeks ago.

Rael: Daddy, don't be sad, but Santa isn't real.
Me: What? You don't think Santa's real?
Rael: No, he's rubber. Santa's not real, he's fake. He's rubber daddy.
Me: Does this mean you don't want Santa then beca--
Rael: Nope.
Me: Uhm. . .

Rael: Santa IS real, daddy.
Me: Oh, he's real now?
Rael: Yeah, so now he can come.
Me: Ok.

and so on, repeat, etc. And then today:

Rael: I love you, daddy. Santa's not real, daddy.
Me: Ok. So no Santa then?
Rael: No, Santa's coming.
Me: How can Santa come if he's not real?
Rael: He's fake!
Me: Right, so if he's fake, how's he going to come?
Rael: I think I have enough stuff I can make us a robot Santa and he can come.
Me: OK.

Re-Tweeted

You may or may not have noticed that I've included my Twitter feed to this blog for the past few months. It's a chance for you to have mini snippets of me during those times I lag a bit more than we'd all like between posts here. And if you're inclined, you should totally follow me. Blah blah blah.
So today I tweeted (egads, I really do cringe at Twitter-speak, though I still use it for its growing universality amongst those who use it) the following: " evan_up Ironic from me, I know: Lately I find myself wishing more of the people closest to me would see the happy things in their lives. "

After the events of my post two previous to this one (that is, after I withdrew from certain other associations), Denise and I spent a good month or more (more) arguing, in our way (which means a lot of arguing from me and a lot of ignoring me slash escaping from reality into a book for Denise) as we worked through a personal problem that'd needed sorting for a couple years now, overshadowed previously by other matters. I feel that, while nothing is ever perfect and never will be, we've come through this together finally and into a much better place for it. I see in Denise though a reticence, a "is this just the calm before the next fight" quality to her demeanor. I regret that I'm probably deservedly to blame for her worrying this way but I hope I can get her to see that I'm happier now we've been working together and I look forward to the future we have more than I ever had in a long long time. I hope she can see the same bright star ahead soon; I'll have to work harder to help show her.

And then there's Aeia. The other day she made up this very charming Christmas card for me and Denise. Anyone who has ever received a homemade card from Aeia knows exactly how special and quirky wonderful these cards can be. This one, amidst all of its quirky Aeia-card perfection was also this bit of a gut puncher: I hope you and mom have a really nice Christmas, at least someone should have one.
Me: *dumbfounded* Sweetie, what's this? Don't you think you're going to have a good Christmas?
Aeia: No.
Me: You think you're going to have a bad Christmas?
Aeia: No. I think it's just going to feel like a regular day for me.
I don't quite know how to tackle that one. I hope we can find a way to make Christmas more special for her. Actually, I think as I typed the preceding sentence I figured out just how. I'll come back to this in a week and let you know how it worked.

To all of my home-fries out there (and if you think this applies to you, it probably does): finals are over, your friends and family love you, stop fretting over the minor stuff (especially, if it applies to you, Burgeropolis), stop worrying about what might happen with situations you haven't even started yet and start them instead--then worry about what to do about them; have more fun, laugh a little more--if you need help with this, call me, but me a drink or come over and kill some zombies or something.

words and music by Eric Idle

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best...

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.

So always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath

Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

And always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the right side of life...
(Come on guys, cheer up!)
Always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the bright side of life...
(Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
Always look on the bright side of life...
(I mean - what have you got to lose?)
(You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!)
Always look on the right side of life...

Kidding

This post will be less of a whiny "State of the Evan Union" post than the last one was. But I do want to give a quick thank you to Alex and Kayla for deciding to drop by Wally World in order to cheer me up after reading my last post.

I haven't talked much about the kids in a while, so for those family and friends with an interest in such things, some updating:

I'm going to start off with Aeia and completely buck the idea of any conventional ordering. The last month saw Aeia making a concerted push at getting me to re-implement the concept of allowances. Ironically enough, my decision to capitulate to this request has resulted in her deciding to be the one who least does their chores and therefore earns the least allowance. Over the Autumn Break (aka Thanksgiving Week) she had a family tree homework assignment. The parameters for this only required focus on her family tree through her grandparents, my and Denise's parents but Aeia was so interested in exploring as much of her geneology as she could that she pursued filling the tree out back through the generations out to my Great-grandmother. It was fun helping with this and it was fun listening to some of her reactions and revelations. She is very concerned with the large number of unwed pregnancies and multiple marriages in both my mother's and grandmother's generations. Aeia's also taken an interest in choir and I look forward to eventually, hopefully, getting to see her perform.

Lash is struggling with the same things he's been struggling with for some time now: friends and grades (he isn't making/keeping any ((and I think the situation in my previous post is negatively impacting his one close friendship)) and his grades are poorer than ever before. Le sigh.) while at home he's really begun to rise up to improving how helpful he can be with the other kids and with his chores. Far from perfect, but improving. I'd like to get him involved with some sport again.

Tasmia and Rael are both very frequently pretending to be dinosaurs, running around and growling at everyone else. Rael has begun playing the Lego Rock Band game with me on occasion--he only has the attention span for 2 and a half songs--and he does surprisingly well for his age, even if only on "super easy" mode for guitar. He's definitely interested in performance as he really adds some rocking out to his rocking out.

Tasmia is freaking scary intelligent. None of the others were as loquacious at two, none as communicative of their canniness (though all have proven to be pretty darn canny and loquacious). I think Tasmia's going to end up ruling the world--sometime after she learns to be less messy when she eats.

Stop Loss

The last few months have been a bit of a struggle. Implementing change, even when the results trend toward the positive, is really very hard. Denise and I have grown stronger, fight a lot less. I like to think credit for this is due the extra care we've been putting in to new communication styles, changes in the relationship, etc. My big fear is that it's just because we don't see each other at all at least four days in every week. I'm betting it's most likely some combination of both things.

The last year has seen me struggling with another difficult transition as well. I'd come to realize that one of my longest running friendships had run to the point where it really wasn't a healthy relationship for me anymore. I spent a few months trying to fight myself in this realization, and trying to make this friend change themselves for the sake of saving our friendship, along the way making a lot of personal compromises and sacrifices I really wasn't comfortable with. Sometime in late March we all sat together and confronted this friend with various problems and observations, trying to "help" which to me, at that point, seemed a fruitless activity. And I said as much, that I'd reached the point of being tired of trying, that I wasn't going to try anymore.

This in itself proved a disservice to me, the friend and all of our interconnected relationships. Given the length of time and intensity of the friendship, and the interconnectivity of all my close friendships, declaration of giving up did not come along with a decision to then disassociate myself. This grew into months of expecting him to change without me putting any energy into it anymore, and the growing frustration as things didn't change except for when things would worsen. And somewhere along the way, any voicing of frustration on my part somehow made me a villain, or a tantuming infant rather than be taken as an opportunity for any introspection on any of our parts--a growing contest of who could be the bigger asshole while completely ignoring and invalidating the others complaints.

It took forever for me to get to the realization that the damage this situation was causing our friendship AND my own psyche was far too great. Far too great for the small return the friendship was giving either of us. Hard as it was to do, and it so really was, I removed myself from the equation and cut ties. I miss my friend dearly, but know in my heart that even if we were hanging out, the friendship would just return to the fallacy that it had been for the past 2-3 years. We're going to end up seeing each other at a party this weekend, and I fear myself letting myself go back to the old status quo. I hope I'm stronger than that.

I find myself lonelier these days. The absence of one of my closest friendships is painful. But ultimately, outside of the loneliness the decision has shown itself to be the right one for me. To just remove myself from the maelstrom of bullshit has improved my quality of life on all fronts save for the loneliness one.

I am happier. And I'm happier that Denise and I have grown a little closer in this time (and really, I hope my sharing here doesn't cause her upset or an increase of drama for any of us. I needed to talk about this and tried to be as neutral as possible). I'm happier the kids and I are closer. What's next for Evan? I don't really know. Hopefully there'll be a solution to the loneliness in there somewhere.

The 2009 Version of a common meme

Here is the new 2009 edition of getting to know your family and friends.
Here is what you are supposed to do, and try not to be lame and spoil the fun.
Change all the answers so that they apply to you.
Then send this to a bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person who sent it to you.
Some of you may get this several times; that means you have lots of friends.
The easiest way to do it is to hit 'forward' so you can change the answers or copy and paste. Have fun and be truthful!

1. What is your occupation right now?
Restaurant manager and freelance writer

2. What color are your socks right now?
They are the same color as my soul. Care to guess?

3. What are you listening to right now?
Panic at the Disco's "Northern Downpour"

4. What was the last thing that you ate?
Bacon

5. Can you drive a stick shift?
Is this a euphemism? Either way. . .the answer is the same.

6. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
Denise

7. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
Absolutely. I love everyone who has tagged me in this thus far.

8. How old are you today?
funf und dreissig

9. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV
Volleyball

10. What is your favorite drink?
alcoholic is White Russian, non-boozey is Diet Dr Pepper.

11. Have you ever dyed your hair?
My hair has been brown, black, green, metallic gold, blue and pink, all at different times.

12. Favorite food?
beef

13. What is the last movie you watched?
Humpday.

14. Favorite day of the year?
October 31st comes in second only to January 17th.

15. How do you vent anger?
poorly

16. What was your favorite toy as a child?
My stuffed dog Butchy. I still have him.

17. What is your favorite season?
Spring

18. Cherries or Blueberries?
Cherries

19. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back?
Or respond on Facebook--whichever.

20. Who is the most likely to respond?
~shrug

21. Who is least likely to respond
I predict Diana

22. Living arrangements?
Four bedroom apartment with Denise and the kids.

23. When was the last time you cried?
This is embarrassing. Yesterday. An absolutely stupid reality tv show got highly emotional and sappy and it made me cry. Shut up. You'll never guess what it was anyway.

24. What is on the floor of your closet?
Clothes, boxes of clothes from our abandoned plan to move, toys.

25. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending to?
Excluding family, Diana.

26. What did you do last night?
None of the things I wanted to. Cest la vie.

27. What are you most afraid of?
The death of loved ones. And dying myself while my kids are still children.

28. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburger?
cheese and spicy? I love a good teriyaki burger w/ pineapple. I make bomb homemade burgers too; spicy and juicy.

29. Favorite dog breed?
German Shepherd

30. Favorite day of the week?
It's Saturday!

31. How many countries have you lived in?
Just the 1...

32. Diamonds or pearls?
I'm a guy.... Diamonds?

Halloweened

Halloween week was pretty good here:

Tasmia had her second birthday. She completely fell in love with her giant stuffed frog that Denise bought for her. I was particularly taken by how carefully she chose to eat her cake: like some sort of prim and proper gentlewoman with the tiniest dainty bites and zero mess or use of just fingers.

Halloween itself was another great success. Friday night we hosted our usual Rock Band party and made sure to include with the invites that the occasion would be a Halloween costume party as well. Everyone who came was up to the task and came costumed or made up to fully celebrate the night. Big ups to everyone who came!

Trick or treating was fun. This was Tasmia's first year as a full-on door-to-door trick-or-treater and she was great with the "Trick or Treats" and "thank you's" at most every door. Costuming this year saw pirates and ninjas setting aside their ages old feud in order to celebrate the gathering of candy together, all under the watchful eye of Jason Voorhies hacking the way to every house for them. Lots of good fun, and loads of pictures have since been uploaded to my Facebook profile.

In non-holiday updates, work has been very busy but nowhere near as frustrating or annoying as it can tend to be. I miss the absence of some friends, though I'm moving on fairly well. This week was also the anniversary of my grandmother's passing and that continues to be hard, but I bottle it well enough *wink*. I think Denise and my relationship is growing stronger and much better communicated, even if the process of getting there sometimes makes it feel otherwise.

It's been a week of fun times, more hope, some stress: the usual.

Mini Zombie Update

Personally, I'm almost entirely a happy guy. There is one, one point in my life where this is quite not the case, and hasn't been for a while, but Denise and I continue to work at that and that is all I can really ask or hope for. Read-between-the-liners can note this is me making it clear that above all things I'm putting life and marriage first here and things are getting better.

Dos

Someone's turning two today!

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday, dear Tasmia,
Happy birthday to you!

Rock Contested

Readers with Facebook accounts: please go to this app and do a search for our band SECRET SCRUBBY and, once you're on our band's page, click the "become a fan" link. We're entered in this contest to play Rock Band at MTV Studios in Times Square and the sheer number of our fans influences our odds of winning significantly. Please help! Much appreciated:
http://apps.facebook.com/rockbandenergizer/index.php?band_id=20

Ever-After

"Evan, you always write about Rael or Tasmia in your status updates, never the other kids. Don't you like them too?"

Not quite verbatim, but a close approximation to the beginning of a conversation I once had (where, indeed, I pointed out my great love and affection for all my children). And I like, in fact love, all my kids. This post isn't going to be about them. There's someone else I also don't tend to write (directly) about very often, and this post is more dedicated to her: my wife Denise.

Sometimes times are rough; sometime times aren't, and we often disagree, or at least nearly as much as we do agree, frequently about the same things over and over again, but through all these things one thing is certain. I absolutely love her.

I love her figure, the softness of her skin, her smile. I love her brain. I love her thoughtfulness and her thoughtlessness. I love how much she thinks she needs to improve and works so hard to grow into what she feels is a better person. I love her imperfect perfection and while there are many things I would change in our lives, I would never change her.

Thanks for letting me share.

The Shining

Sometimes I'm really thrown by Rael and his seeming uncanny prescience. Sometimes it's even a little scary. There have been more than a few occasions where I've picked Rael up from school and in the middle of getting him buckled in his car chair and all of the "how did you like school today"s he'll turn to me and interrupt with a "Daddy, are you mad at so-and-so?" Almost every single time he's done this has been a time where I was unhappy with 'so-and-so' but was never in the moment with that where it would indicate to him he should even be in the same neighborhood of knowing.

But even that isn't what really throws me. What throws me is the relationship he has with "grampa"--my grandfather. Rael often has a story for me of the fun things they do together--especially all of their fishing trips and the big fish they catch. Or of grampa's pet dog and cats. Or the stories of how grampas sad because gramma died, and she died in their house. Rael, at three years old, met my grandfather for the first and only time and only for maybe the inside of twenty minutes on the day I met them to drop off Lash and Aeia for their visit with them. He's never been fishing, much less with grampa (and yet grampa IS a very serious fisherman) or interacted with their pets. Nor has he ever been told the circumstances of my grandma's passing.

These are the situations where Rael throws me, scares me, a little. Do I chalk it up to an imaginary friend (relative) even when all of his details in this friendship are spot-on for a real person?

I'm going to just leave it at "Rael is a very special child"--as are all of them.

Trivial

Where were you three hours ago?
--the office at work, counting deposits.

Were you with anyone?
--the occasional coworker came and went within the office while I was in there.

Have you had anything alcoholic in the last 24 hours?
--as Splenda is mad from sugar alcohols, yes. Otherwise, no.

Are you wearing shoes right now?
--Not in the slightest. I'm indoors at home; this equals no shoes.

How long have you known your 1st phone contact?
--I have no such thing.

Are they a relative?
--Not applicable

Would you ever go skinny dipping with the last person who commented you?
--I would go skinny dipping with anyone I felt comfortable with--which is most of my adult friends, not that there are many places one could legally go skinny dipping around here.

When was the last time you saw a movie in theaters?
--July 1st.

When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?
--That would be today

Has anyone called you beautiful today?
--nope...

Are you still friends with the last person who broke your trust?
--I'm still trying to figure that out. I think so, but I'm not as strong in that thinking as I used to be.

Does drama seem to follow you everywhere?
--I tend to think it does.

Do you feel like anyone is playing mind games with you right now?
--No; nope... don't care.

How would you feel if your best friend hooked up with your ex?
--Amused. If it meant they were hooking up with my ex exclusively, perhaps a bit relieved as well.

If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?
--I think I already have the right person.

Does it make you uncomfortable to talk on the phone around people?
--I try not to share my conversations with the world.

Would you rather be ten years younger or ten years younger?
--younger...

Do you bite your fingernails?
--Yes.

Would you consider yourself very flexible?
--Physically? No. Every other connotation? Yes.

Do you get embarrassed easily?
--not really...

Have you ever been banned from anywhere?
--not that I know of...

Do you have a ringtone or do you leave your phone on vibrate?
--I continue to dodge owning this thing called a cellphone and so can't answer this one.

What was the last thing you drank from a mug?
--Vanilla chai tea.

Has your #1 ever seen you naked?
--My #1s on Myspace and on Facebook are both people who have seen me in such a way, yeah.

Does your #2 know your deepest secret?
--No one knows my deepest secrets.

Will your #3 repost this?
--No.

Does your #4 smoke?
--Yes

Were you born in the 90's?
--I'd already been alive for a while in the '90s.

When was the last time you paid less than $1 for something?
--Yesterday.

Have you loaned anything out to anyone recently?
--Sure, a book here, there. . .a pair of pajama pants. . .a pen.

Are any of your siblings married?
--Not to each other.

Who was the last person to spend the night with you at your house?
--My wife Denise.

Do you have a hard time making decisions?
--No, but sometimes I have a hard time sharing them.

Has anyone kissed you when you weren't expecting it?
--yup...

Did you like it?
--of course!!

Does your dad smoke?
--no idea nor inclination to care.

Is your mom over 50?
--uh-huh...

Are there any movies coming out you wanna see?
--Not in the very near future.

Do you ever feel like you're leading a double life?
--Absolutely.

Do you have any plans to get a new tattoo or piercing?
--I'm always planning the next tattoo. Without a career change, I'm done with piercings, as my current job wouldn't allow any of the others I'd want.

Do you know anyone named Christine?
--I happen to know a few.

Do you know anyone who's biracial?
--I happen to know a few.

Do you know anyone who works at Walmart?
--I know one person who works at Wal-Mart, unless Cammie & Dale's mom still works there, then I know two.

Are black bras sexy?
--No more than any other.

Spell your full name without 'C','I','R', or 'Y':
--Do it yourself.

Open the nearest book, turn to page 11, and type the first sentence:
--"Une ventouse."

Are you currently listening to anything?
--The hum of my standing fan, the hum of the laptop cooling fan, the din of Spongebob Squarepants.

If you could spend 30 minutes with someone who's gone, who would you pick?
--my grandmother...

Are you on birth control?
--nope...

Do you know anyone who is bisexual?
--Bunches and bunches.

Would you walk into Walmart naked for $10,000?
--No.

Does anyone call you babe?
--nope...

Do you hate it when people try to play with your hair?
--I love it when people play with my hair

How long is it until your birthday?
--Approximately eight months

Tonight, Tonight

New Dollhouse tonight! Start watching.

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday, dear Adj,
Happy birthday to you!

UHF

Now that the first week of new tv has passed, I'll share my thoughts on some of it.

Last night I find myself watching the start of The Amazing Race (a reality show that Adj put me on, and I put Denise on) live as it was recording (LIVE? What was I thinking? In this land of DVRs I never watch live tv anymore). I figured it'd be a nice cap to the night and I could be in bed at nine for my 4am shift. Then 9pm rolls around and the show's still going. Why, oh why did I miss that the season premiere was two hours? As I mentioned in my previous post, OCD qualities require I finish (I would have literally tossed and turned in bed longer than one more hour if I'd gone to bed vowing to watch the rest tomorrow) and so I was up 'til 10 watching tv instead. Anyway. So far the gay brothers entertain me most (especially as they are so very flaming and think they aren't, which plays into a strategy of theirs I can't wait to see play out or backfire), so I'm pushing for them, but the father/son duo with the pink haired son are a close second.

House. Just wow, I didn't think this show could get more boring to me and this Houseified mock up of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest so totally proved me wrong. It was nice to see Franka Potente in any role again. The second time in a week something made me really want to watch Lola Rennt (aka Run Lola Run) again (oddly, not so much that first Bourne movie).

Blink and you'll miss it, but Ray Park is now on Heroes as one of this season's potential villains and in that rare beast for him--a speaking role! I enjoyed his martial artist, dervish style speedster (duh, my speedster weakness shows, I know) just enough to make me think that Heroes is trying to convince me it can be good again. I'm not quite holding my breath yet. This is the first time I've liked every new character to be introduced, even if the old cast grow more and more stale (kill some of them off for real already).

Dollhouse is by far the biggest favorite of my returning shows thus far. I continue to love the way it so effortlessly delves into the grayest areas of morality: this time out with Ballard cashing in his morals about the Dollhouse in order to use the Dollhouse to his own needs, and Langton wanting to establish a romantic relationship with Whiskey, knowing she is just another Active. But more than anything else, what I really loved in the premiere is the interplay between Whiskey and Topher, and how this interplay began to seriously explore questions of existentialism that perhaps only this show ever can. I'm left with so much more thoughts on questions of identity construction and the existence of soul after watching this episode, and I am appreciative. People who gave up on this show 3-4 episodes in and declare it Whedon's worst really are idiots at a fundamental level and I'm not afraid of insulting them so. My only gripes--that Echo's own moments of self-awareness weren't as poignant as Whiskey's, and My Darling Wesley's fake English accent has gone missing now that he's playing a U.S. Senator (shut up, logic plays nothing into this last point).

Survivor: Samoa, and it's repeat strategic oustings of the better, "dangerous" cast members is proving more compelling to me than this show has since before the addition of silly things like Exile Island and hidden immunity idols. That Russell character is definitely one of those love-to-hate players and is driving the show in ways I haven't seen since Richard Hatch.

Fringe. I'm having more difficulty jumping back into loving this. It's a process. More Pacey and less blond chick. And much much more Walter. Denise and I were both commenting on how much more we prefer the "monster of the week" style episodes over the "mythology" episodes--just like X-Files. This led me to wishing Duchovny and Anderson someday make a guest appearance as rival FBI agents to our regular cast, as a tongue-in-cheek homage.

New shows that haven't lost me after the first episode: Community, Modern Family and Cougar Town (Cougar really surprises me; I gave it a shot only due to its being created by Bill Lawrence, you know the guy who created my favorite American comedy, Scrubs, but I really expected my dislike of Courtney Cox' post-Friends work, including her time on Scrubs, had me expecting I would probably hate this. Instead, of the three comedies listed here, it's the one I like the absolute best). I also have definitely fallen in love with Flash Forward already and want much more, even if its gimmick seems impossible to sustain multi-seasonally, like Prisonbreak. New shows that have lost me after episode one: (sorry Ian Somerhader), The Vampire DiariesEastwick, and. . .something else, but it had to have been so dull I really can't grasp at its title at the moment.


What shows am I missing? And who else is antsy for the start of the V remake?

I think Dollhouse and Flash Forward are going to do a lot of work, good work, at distracting me from waiting 'til February for the beginning of the last season of Lost.

Bullseye

The last year or so has seen me grow into a less enthusiastic or dedicated reader. Between life in general, paying more attention to kids spouse and friends, video games, wasting more time online, whatever. . .I'm just not setting down as much to give myself a good amount of reading time. Typically I now take 2-3 weeks to read a book I'd normally finish in 1-2 days, and that's for books I'm finding myself enjoying (this reminds me I need to ask Chris if he's done with that Gaiman book so I can forward it to Micah). Right now I find myself struggling through the morass that is Charlaine Harris' book series on her character Sookie Stackhouse (the basis for HBO's True Blood series); I'm midway through week three and barely a quarter in to the second book (I stopped reading the first book when I figured out the mystery/killer's identity on page 56 and skipped to book two) and it's just not doing it for me. . .but my OCD need to finish it is keeping me from starting anything else. Argh. I don't see what Denise, Chrissy and Lynn see in these books but if I ever can get through this, I need to remind myself not to start book three (unless, that is, my enjoyment skyrockets between now and the end of book two). I need to start that other Gaiman book and finish off the last two books of Laurell K Hamilton's that I've been avoiding starting.

I'm curious to hear--if you're a fan, what's the appeal for you? Something's missing the mark for me and I'm curious to see what makes it a bullseye for others.

Low

Lately I feel as if my friends don't care to pay attention to my availability to them at all. When I'm approached with the request for what days work makes me available for any evening fun and I respond, the typical response is to then have a day completely not available to me chosen where they expect Denise to still come and it to be OK leaving me out. It makes me feel less wanted and much more like my presence really doesn't matter as long as the person they really want, Denise, can be there. It makes me feel like the only reason I'm asked is so they can be sure to make plans on days I'm not available instead of out of any legitimate request for planning any fellowship with me. This bums me out more than words can describe and it makes me not want to even answer any more when I'm asked about when I'm available any more.

Of course if I just ignore the question I also somehow turn into the asshole in this equation.

And I don't feel as if there's a "win" in this situation coming. Talking about it is bound to lead off to pissed off people and more hurt feelings. Silence just continues a cycle of activity that's been bothering me to the extreme more and more for many weeks now.

Breathing Out

There are times where our current situation leaving me uncomfortable with being 100% candid in a public forum really drags on me, most especially when I feel an intense need to vent personal frustrations and don't have a private outlet for doing so. If I'm pissed with Denise I can't vent to her about it, and haven't been venting here. If I'm pissed with a close friend, I likewise can't vent to them. It's very encumbering. I often feel as if I can't honestly be myself anymore, the most mundane aspect of my life a possible object of intense scrutiny and misrepresentation, leaving me with the most banal forms of expression. It's encumbering and on days like today where I really feel great amounts of frustration that I need to vent, it gets to be a little demoralizing and increasingly frustrating.

Hello

So, Evan, how'd that whole meningitis plus mononucleosis thing pan out?

Well, it sucked, mostly. The first week was primarily filled with physical misery. Meningitis wreaked havoc with my immune system hassling me with a massive amount of head congestion and fever, both of which I couldn't take anything to regulate because anything that could regulate it would destroy my liver thanks to the mono. Yay! I spent the first week sleeping sitting up on the couch (the only way I could breathe) in mere fifteen minute increments. The fever I handled by blasting my fan directly on me non-stop and constantly wetting myself down with a cool rag. In all of this, I had a lot of help from the older kids and a little emotional support from my friends. Other than most physical exertions tiring me out, week two was much better--all the horrid symptoms having vacated. Still unable to go out much or work at all, I found myself spending a lot of time watching movies and movies and movies, and a couple seasons of Lost. Videogames gave me equilibrium problems after ten minutes of playing them and I still couldn't exert myself chasing the kids around the house. All-in-all I found myself crouching towards boredlehem. Monday of week three I see my doctor, declare I'm ready to work again. . .he agrees but decides to make me take a third week off anyway--just in case. This third week was much more boring: fewer things to watch, the kids were back in school, and my friends pretty much abandoned hanging out or visiting most days. I mastered thumb-twiddling.

I just finished my first two weeks back to "normal" living. Thankfully, my time off work didn't cost me the nice new schedule change I'd finally been able to wrangle right before I got sick. Having the semi-regular and reliable work schedule has caused things to suck there a little less. Sadly, this meant changing our Rock Band weekend friend gathering from Saturdays to Fridays and some friends have been having a little trouble adjusting slash showing up, but I'm finding the adjustment a nice one and happily living life, enjoying the company of friends and family.

Some Top Tens

Sharing some film opinions I've been sharing on Facebook while I recharge:

My Top 10 Zombie Movies

I usually, fairly pretentiously, make some clarifications about the zombie horror genre along the lines of how the genre, when it works best, acts as a study of human society and its reactions to massive apocalyptic change (while I liken werewolf movies to occasionally stand as an exploration of isolation and feeling of "otherness" and vampires are all about sexual repression), and I continue to stand by this stance. But, as with any genre, there are also gems that really do little, if any, work to further this discussion as they merely revel in the craziness and fun also available to their genre. My list of zombie films is definitely going to cover the broad spectrum.

Before I go further, some notable mentions and clarifications of film left out:
While I love the entire Evil Dead series (and its multiple versions of the final film), I do not consider it a zombie film.
The Serpent and the Rainbow, about actual voodoo zombie-ism is a nice movie, but not the supernatural living dead zombie, so it doesn't make my cut.
Dead Alive is amazing early Peter Jackson, but it's too far out for me to include in the genre.
I love "Deadly Friend" but don't consider it a zombie movie nearly as much as it's an A.I./dangers of technology movie. Funny Kristy Swanson almost made multiple lists.

Although I contradict myself by including two such films, I hate "running zombies" movies. I don't feel zombies should have the coordination necessary to run effectively.

I am so looking forward to the "Walking Dead" comic series being adapted as a cable television series.

The tv miniseries, Dead Set (not released in the US) is AMAZING and you should find a way to see it.

A note about Michael Myers, Freddie Kruger, Jason Voorhies, etc.: I consider Freddie a ghost. The other two, while technically quite zombie, really belong to a very different category of film, as everything about their films falls into the Slasher mold and not at all into the zombie apocalypse mold. Just as the Elm Street movies are also slasher films.

My ten (no order of preference):

1. Night of the Living Dead (Romero). THE classic zombie film. Covers every glimpse into the psyche of man in apocalypse and makes a nice statement on racism. I think there's something wrong with anyone who doesn't include this on their list.

2. Undead. I don't know what these filmmakers were thinking, but this little film from Australia with all its zombies and then alien bductions just does it. It's great on survival, paranoia, campy goodness.

3. Dawn of the Dead (Romero). The only Romero sequel that makes the list (there are parts of "Day," "Land" and "Diary" that I like, but not nearly enough). The characters in this film are not at all as sympathetic as they were in "Night of" or even in the Zack Snyder remake, but I think this film is one of the finer when it comes to illustrating society in collapse and the evils man will do to each other when faced with these problems (picked up on, and better done in my second movie following this). Like "Night of", ends on a pessimistic note, which seems more real to the situation to me.

4. Dawn of the Dead (Snyder). Sigh, fast zombies. But one of the most slick films in the genre. Fantastic soundtrack. Cast of great sympathetic characters and great douche bag characters. Holds to, differently, the good pessimistic ending. Sarah Polley.

5. 28 Days Later. Another that goes deep into the evils man commits on one another in a crisis. My weak spot for Cillian Murphy. Fast zombies, sigh, but more bearable as these aren't "dead" zombies per se and seem to break down with time and starvation (and so would sensibly slow down). The rare film that EXPLAINS the zombie apocalypse's cause and doesn't suck for doing so. While I like the sequel, not a huge fan. Danny Boyle has only let me down once as a director (read: Sunshine).

6. Shaun of the Dead. Amazing. Hilarious. I still have and cherish my cut of the film from before its release (has alternate recorded dialog and a couple scene differences) almost as much as I love the finished theatrical version. DVD-wise, one of the finest when it comes to extras. One of the few consistently funniest films for me. And now I also have a hankering to watch "Spaced."

7. Fido. While I'm covering comedy, not as funny for me, but still a gem. And a great exploration into how a society that survives can deal with the zombie problem--by domesticating them as physical laborers.

8. Re-Animator. One of the few Lovecraft translations to film I enjoy. A bit crazy with the camp, though. Nice exploration of whether it's right to use all of our knowledge. Another of the "classics."

9. Pet Sematary. That rare gem of a movie that's actually at least almost as good as the novel it's based off.

10. [rec] and Quarantine. Since they're, almost shot for shot, the same movie (the former being the original Spanish film and the latter its American remake from a year later). Nice for its "trapped in a building with the monsters and we have to escape" survival horror. Who do you trust? How do you work with everyone else to survive?

My Top Ten Vampire Films

While zombies are clearly my favorite genre of "monster horror movies," and I have a much greater excitement level for good Werewolf movies, as they're so so very rare, vamps used to be my big favorites and this particular "top ten" meme is floating around my friends this week, so I too will participate. My top ten vampire movies in no order of preference:

1. Let the Right One In: This is far and away the best film in the genre to be produced this decade. I can watch, and find new scenes of enjoyment in, this film again and again and again and again. . .really, REALLY not looking forward to the americanized remake of it that is currently in the pipeline.

2. The Russian "Watch" movies: Night Watch, Day Watch (and hopefully someday in the near future, the third--Twilight Watch) all based on a fantastic trilogy of novels, cinematic-ally beautiful and absent the "vampires are all sexy" tropes of most vamp cinema. Another big thing going for these films, for me, is the depth of exploration devoted to factioning of vampire types, the politics and policing of vampire activities.

3. Blade Trinity. Screw the first two, this movie's just here for all the delicious eye candy (Ryan Reynolds, Jessica Biel, Dominic Purcell) that I was allowed to enjoy for most of my 113 minutes.

4. The Forsaken. More eye candy, nice juxtaposition of horror and humor. Jonathan Schaech never gets enough credit for being a good actor who generally only makes movies that don't make the A-List. Mostly a fun, generally mindless but pretty film. Heavy on the then-WB young hot actor factor. Strangely seems to be making all of our lists.

5. Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. It's everything: a musical, a kung fu flick, sexploitation, comedy, Troma-esque gore. You can not beat Christ coming back to rescue lesbians from the vampires who hunt them because lesbian skin is sun resistant. And he teams up with a Mexican wrestler. Did I mention musical numbers? See it for Jesus' kung fu showdown vs the atheists. Best of all, if you end up not liking it, you get to blame Canada.

6. Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Clearly, while I have much love for the tv show and it's spin-off and prefer to pretend the film is not canonical to the show (despite how the first Buffy comic series MADE it canonical, and did it well), and while the production, and egos of certain actors (Sutherland) and shortcomings of others (Swanson) yanked this film far away from the vision Joss envisioned for it in his screenplay, it gave us Buffy. It is the Mater Familia, and on its own it is campy hilariousness in ways that Fright Night fails to remain twenty years later.

7. Interview With the Vampire. A lot more going on that worked than not. Really enjoyed Kirsten Dunst, which is a rarity.

8. From Dusk Till Dawn. Honestly, I hated this movie the first time I saw it, and it was years before I gave it another chance. It is jarring still in its transition at the film's midpoint. But this movie has grown on me so much I don't even vomit in my mouth anymore every time Juliet Lewis mentions her pussy.

9. Near Dark. The best Clive Barker adaptation to date. Edit: I am retarded; this is not a Clive Barker adaptation. Still amazing and different.

10. Monster Squad. Pretty much exactly the same reasons Adam cites.

What Happened

Saturday night was the last Saturday Rock Band Party--it went off generally well. I think everyone had a much better time than not. Sunday I spent the day with a throbbing headache that I just attributed to the staying-up too-late of the Saturday night party, mixed with various unpleasant side effect cause by the myriad of new meds my doctor is trying out on me, and when I went to bed at 8PM for my 4AM shift, I went to bed still with a headache.

At some point in the night, Denise wakes me because I have a slight wheeze. I add that I also still have a headache and she demands I take a Benadryl and Tylenol. I'm now paranoid about my breathing and keep waking up every half our or so to make sure I'm still alive. By the time 4AM rolled around, I was ready for the work day but much groggier than usual.

During the first half hour of my managerial opening prep work I throw up, and there are a few tablespoons of blood in it. Now as a quick side, our store is already extremely spread thin manager-wise, having fully only 40% the management personnel it's supposed to--which, with my own work ethic, makes it impossible for me to call in (or leave) sick because of the huge strain it would cause the others. I work feeling under the weather so often, and would have toughed it out again too, except I threw up blood again. This happened a total of 4 times in my first hour of work; I called and woke my supervisor and told her what was happening. She was there in twenty minutes.

I rush home to write down all my medications and their dosages. It's still so early that I just leave Denise a written note as to where I was. One thing for sure is one of my meds really works to dehydrate me and if I don't keep on top of my hydration well enough, I get bloody noses. I'm thinking I likely had a bloody nose in my sleep and swallowed it all, but I need answers and I'm scared witless.

Triage at the emergency room actually ends up pushing me ahead of everyone in waiting prior to me. I am tortured by needles trying to draw blood from underhydrated veins but finally some bloodwork is pulled and I'm on an I.V. I also throw up blood again. One of the early things I learn is that the e.r. doctor who saw me and diagnosed my gout prescribed the wrong medication for it: there was a prophylactic medication I should have been taking to stop flare-ups instead of the highly damaging to my liver stuff I was on.

My very visible misery caused this e.r. doctor to ask about other symptoms I just hadn't thought to mention as they seemed minor to the, you know, blood puke. Was light hurting my eyes? Yes. Noises bothering me? Yes. Stiff neck? Yes. Sore throat? Yes. Headache still? Yes. "I think you might have meningitis and I can only test for that by doing a lumbar puncture, otherwise known as a spinal tap." Holy smokes, meningitis? I'm going to die. "And while I wait on the order for the L.P. to come back let's have a look at the rest of you" I was checked for a G.I. bleed (I won't say how, for the queasy) and my swollen tonsils had her worried about something else : mono.

The spinal tap, as shown on tv, is an extremely painful procedure. My e.r. doc was either very kind to me with the pain medication (she was) or I just handled the pain well (not as likely) but the L.P. was not the nightmare medical dramas make it out to be.

When all the results came in, I found that another of my medications needed to be stopped, due to the liver danger it posed with my other diagnoses: lucky me, I sure did have the mono. AND the meningitis. Both viral so there wasn't even much they could do other than help push my liquids so they kept me overnight (11AM Monday to 4PM Tuesday overnight) for observation.

Home now, I can't kiss the kids or Denise, share food or drink, etc. The pain in my throat from the mono is so great that it's excruciating to even swallow liquids, or talk above a whisper. Something has my sinuses so congested I can't breathe and so never slept for more than 20 minutes at a stretch the last two nights--wearing me out even more immensely. I have to miss two weeks, at least, of work which is going to be financially nightmarish as I don't get sick pay managing Burger Land. At least I'm home now, where things are slightly more comfortable.

Heartfelt thanks to all the people who helped Denise with the kids, and to everyone who took the time from their days to either call me or come visit me in the hospital. Love you guys.

Color Me Bad

I am going to alienate you now. I think I've been a long time somewhat reserved now and "safe" in my postings. I'm super tired and this discussion has been damaging my head for a few days now, really heavily today and now I'm just going to spill it all out and see where the words land.

I think it's high time I came out: I'm a racist.

Now, not in the sense that I think "X" people should be treated differently than "Y" people (and by differently I mean in-equally, inferiorly, or as some fucking threat or object of entertainment). But in the sense that "yeah, we're different, so fucking what?" Not in the foul "hate you for being different than me" way. THOSE people, it isn't just that they're racists, but they're also douche bags and they make being a douche bag a fucking extreme sport at which they excel.

Still, the term it's still so frakking cringe-worthy. And damn it, I think the extreme sportsmen of douche baggery really deserve some sort of label for their douche baggery. And of course it's going to remain "racism" because the term is already long applied and accurate in itself.

But. . .(and here is where, if I don't have you alienated a bit by now, I really piss you off) we're all racists and we all know it. I'd go far enough to say that if there's an "-ist" out there, it also applies to all of us. Are you deferential to your elders, maybe you help the elderly with physical tasks you deem beyond their ease? You ageist mother lover. Guys--sight of a crying girl get your protective "fix things" urge rising? Sexist pig. I work with a dude who is very into his green, has multiple baby mamas and frequently jokes with me about how he thinks I know all the other white people because I'm white.

I think we need to stop making this notion of colorblindedness to bed. Celebrate everyone for who they are, including all of their differences. My best friend is not white and I couldn't even fathom imagining a version of him that comes from a world where our differences don't inform who we are. I think it's patently offensive. Our differences, color inclusive, help to have informed our entire development through life. How much more insulting is it to pretend otherwise?

I'm white and male. I'm not any better than anyone else because of this. Two of my favorite former professors are a black woman and a white woman and I think they're both awesome, and each of their levels of awesome are independent of their pigment or their gender.

People, start being better to each other. Start realizing that the pursuit of being politically correct just makes you a bigger ass, however inadvertently, than you were before you acknowledged your peers for who they are. Get over it already.

And take it all ways, people. If you pull up beside me and I'm sining along to Dre, if he drops the frickin' N-bomb, I'm going to drop the fricking N-bomb too because that's the fucking music and I'm in my zone, loving my music. I won't hold it against you that you're singing "Pretty Fly For a White Guy" in your car next to me.

Drink Up

I've been saying this about bottled water for years.

Yummy yummy tap water.

Freckles

Jack has one under his right eye I'd never noticed before, ditto the one on Claire's left shoulder. Maybe it's the extra 600-odd pixels per inch, or just the larger physical size of the tv (I'm going with the pixels), but these are minor details I'd never noticed before. I never saw Kate's freckles, and it annoyed me to no end that her nickname from Sawyer was "Freckles" given I could never see them. My goodness, as much as I hate the character, she actually does have freckles, and they are purty. Charlie's tattoo says "Living is easy with eyes closed" which fits his character's story enough that I wonder if it's a fake tattoo like Jack's or if it's a real one of Dominic Monaghan's.

So if you haven't figured it out, I've been slowly re-watching Lost in Blu-Ray. I'm averaging about two episodes a week, which is actually a decent enough pace--at this rate I expect to just finish season 5 (not out yet) as season 6 begins to air. I'm enjoying the massive amount of foreshadowing. There are things in the pilot that foreshadow events & themes of the tail end of season 5. There are a couple other things though. . .inconsistencies? Some time between season one and season five, Jack starts shaving his chest. Maybe his focus in the love triangle (square?) is misplaced? And in episode five, the one that starts with the red shirt drowning who Jack fails to save--we learn, from Charlie, that Charlie can't swim. Charlie can't swim. So unless there's a "Charlie learns to swim" episode I've forgotten, there's a pretty big inconsistency between episode five Charlie and Charliein the last two episodes of season three.

Too Long For Twitter

Three or so weeks this time. . .things have been good. And not so good, but the not so good is really not so bad.

For years now I've been getting this recurring pain in my feet, usually when the weather changes significantly. I've always attributed this to joint pain/arthritis from complications coming out of the many ankle injuries I've had from when I played volleyball. It turns out that I've been partly right all along--it has been an arthritis of sorts. The past two weeks I was suffering some incredible foot pain, often so bad that it made me physically ill as I tried to tough it out as I usually do. Eventually it grew so great that I decided to go to the emergency room right after work (at 2a.m.); my McMinion and buddy Lex did me a massive solid by coming with me (a solid that proved necessary once the pain meds they gave me in the e.r. made it quite impossible for me to drive). It turns out I suffer from gout. Look it up on Wikipedia. Foot still hurts, but being tended to properly and feels much better.

On the moving front. . .Denise and I eventually grew so frustrated and tired of the search that we decided to put the move off at least another year, waiting to see how other things pan out before making the ultimate decision as to when and where to move for the long term. The positive in this is that we then took the money we had saved for the move and did some much needed home refurbishing. It actually almost feels like we have a new home anyway.

This week has a trip to San Francisco that, while necessary, I'm really not looking all that forward to (and a pre-emptive massive thanks to our friends for both helping with childcare and the loan/swap of transportation. Neither of our cars have air conditioning and that alone would make the journey misery); with a repeat trip later in August.

Oh, and a quick shout out congratulations to one of my favorite people, Adrienne, for the birth of her second child!

That's enough brain dump for now.

Thirty Five

Hello Blogland, did you miss me? Every day I log in and see the blog (Shade and Sweet Water is my homepage), note the June 2nd last entry date and remind myself I need to blog. I'll do it tomorrow, I say. Three weeks of tomorrows later it's probably a good time to actually get on my hiney and do some typing.

Let me launch things off with a quick happy birthday shout out to my old San Luis Obispo partner in crime, Tassy. Happy birthday, Tassy! Miss you.

Speaking of birthdays, as most of you are aware, mine was this past Thursday. I took my fifth and final vacation day on Thursday so that I could enjoy my birthday and get paid while I was at it (and also took Friday off for any possible recovery needs, losing my usual Saturday off. No Rock Banding for me tonight. This makes me pout a lot). As birthdays go, the day went 99% groovy and truthfully, if not for some minor annoyances at the very end of the celebratin' it would have been perfect; still it was the finest I'd had in years.

The morning started out with Alex watching the kids for us while Denise and I met with Lash's counselor to discuss his progress and how she'd like us to approach some interactions and behavior modelling with him. This was followed with a quick walk-in trip to Gearhead Barbershop and Tattoo where Denise got her very first tattoo and I set myself up with an appointment to come back later and get more ink done.

Enjoyed some great carne asada burritos from Aca Taco with Denise and Alex and then he and I returned to Gearhead while Denise went on cake and last-minute gift retrieval. In tattoo land I added another "grace" to my arm--this time the Japanese kanji. And going against all reports of what my next intended tattoo would be (an astrological chart on back), I got a chocolate ice cream cone on my left shoulder. Pictures, once I upload them, will be on my Facebook page.

Farewell to Alex, and back home Denise and I enjoyed a bit of quiet couples time, which can be a little tricky when both parties have fresh tattoos to be mindful of.

Present time with the kids: Blu-Rays of The X-Men Trilogy, Lost Season 1, and True Romance. And Region 1 DVDs of Spaced. We're hoping the move won't tax our wallet too much and I'll finally be getting an HDTV with the remainder for my late birthday present so I can fully enjoy these cinematic goodies.

Denise got Chris to make us steak for my dinner and it was perfect. Then some ice cream cake, a little play with the kids and the eventual shuffling off of them to bed. After that we began taking in some of our favorite guests for later night margaritas and Rock Banding (and more prezzies: a microphone multi-tap for Rock Band allowing up to four singers on one slot at once. Harmonizing could prove crazy difficult. Katie and Lisa came along with themselves wrapped as presents with a fun homemade card).

Recovery day was spent with a bit more kid time and me finally tackling the Endless Setlist on Rock Band 2.

Now I've got to start getting myself ready to work again.

Addendum

On the way to work today I realized/began to fear some friends of the local variety might read more into my previous post than is there, and I just want to state that, as I wrote, everything there is an interpersonal exploration of a trait I see in myself, not an explanation that anyone in my life should be expecting me to be pushing them out of it. . .
P, L & H.
Ev

Commitment

I've been doing a great deal of internal exploration of myself and my relationships, the nature of friendship as it applies to me. I don't know if I ever really let anyone who reads this blog have even close to an idea of just how introspective I typically am, or how very calculated I am in almost everything I do. I'm the sort of person who will spend two hours writing a two paragraph e-mail just to make sure that there are no nuances or hidden meanings within that could at all come across without my intending them.

I am digressing, which is a response on my part to procrastinate because I've reached a point where I feel the necessity to start expressing my introspection to come to a even better understanding of myself, and doing so feels a little too raw for me.

Friendship.

For some years now I've expressed dismay over the shorter-lived nature of my localized interpersonal relationships. This would typically come across as a lamentation that I find myself frequently making friends, spending a couple years developing a close-ish friendship and then "losing" the friend when they inevitably graduate from the University and move elsewhere to start their real lives. Some of these people, we stay in varying degrees of touch (my Facebook is riddled with long distance, now mostly cursory, friendships which are much easier to maintain, and I've a handful of long distance friends I know would be instantly close bonded friends if I were local to them) but for the most part, it feels like a longer version of the "single serving friend" from Fight Club. Not single serving, but a soap dispenser that eventually runs out.

I'm beginning to be more honest with myself in that this isn't something that occurs due to the nature of friends being made with college students, but instead I choose to befriend college students because I have to wonder, and have difficulty trusting, whether longer-term friendships and me really work out at all. My closest friends in elementary school were not my closest friend in junior high school who was not any of my closest friends in highschool; and they, in turn, were not my closest friends post-high school. The closest anyone could come, I think, to refuting this is to note my friendships with Chris, Chrissy and Jira, all begun in 1991 and still present, but, by my own rules, I think they aren't refutable. After a small number of years varying between 2-4, they all trickled out of my life, moved away for quite a few years with almost zero contact and upon return, as is natural for all of us, were new and different people in the same, slightly older packaging. I think at my deepest, I considered these newly begun friendships again. This paragraph is riddled with grammatical error.

The longer any relationship lasts, the more complexand complicated they come, the more the energy required to nurture them changes. . .part of me wants to scream that the longer a friendship lasts, the easier it should become, and if that's an honest reality for everyone else, then I, in this particular instance, am discovering myself to be a bit broken. Am I the only one this rings true for? Do I find myself withdrawing quietly from some older associations as I nurture newer ones as some sort of "avoid working on maintaining friendships" defense mechanism, or as a "every one before has proven short, so best keep the attachment level to a minmum" response?

Why do I eventually push or walk away? And if I should, how do I even work towards changing this part of my personal reality?

Come tomorrow I'll probably decide I'm sharing too much vulnerability in my inner workings and delete this.

Happy Birthdays

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy birthday, dear Rael,
Happy Birthday to you.

Four years old today, wow. I just try to think about where life was before Rael was born and how much has happened since, and I'm amazed so much has already fit into one little life time.

Retail

All right, so direct to the chase: we're planning to move in July at some point. Staying in Chico, we just don't like the location we're at now and would rather find something with more of a yard and fewer screaming college kids for neighbors. With that being that, we've begun the long task of packing (takes forever with a family of six) and I've come to realize, yet again, that I really have too much accumulated stuff. Things I wholly dug at the time but would rather be able to get rid of for a little cash and not have to move, which means it's eBay time again for me, where I'll be regularly posting things over the coming weeks. Please give my listings an occasional look through and feel free to bid on anything that strikes your fancy; I'll give a 50% discount on shipping to anyone who buys anything and mentions they went there because of this blog. My stuff is found here.

So far I've put up most of my old DC Direct statues and will be tackling the HeroClix over my next few days off. Anyone ineterested in old Magic The Gathering cards? I don't want to take the time to try listing all of them on eBay, if there's an interest in buying by set, in bulk, let me know.

Thanks everyone!

Feliz Cumpleanos

Happy birthday to you,
Happ birthday to you,
Happy birthday, dear Drew,
Happy birthday to you!

I Called It.

Dollhouse is getting renewed for a second season. There is a Santa Claus. I am very happy about this. But enough giddy-ness, this post is called "I Called It" and that requires a good amount of pat-myself-on-the-back bragging so here goes:

Amy Acker's character, Dr. Saunders was a Doll: I called it (sure, I also wanted her to be Alpha, but ALL of my reasoning for her being a Doll proved out).

On Fringe, Pacey was really Mirror Universe Pacey: I called it.

Lost--John Locke's been dead all season and is still in-the-box: I called it.

More Lost--Juliet dies: Called it (knew she was headlining the V remake next year, which meant she would likely be toast).

Faraday's a Widmore: Called it.

Jack and Kate are royal douches: I didn't call that; those facts have always pretty much just been universal truths.

Setting off the bomb just sends them back to the future: you'll see in a year, I called that too.

I don't think it's just me, and sure I do have a history for calling it (Professor X is the traitor who kills Professor X in Bishop's future--I called that, ask Micah; Ed Norton is Tyler Durden during the first thirty seconds of Fight Club), I just think that a lot of this season's big twists were a bit too over-telegraphed to truly end up being surprises.

Petting Zoo

Four of my last five posts were about television. I promise I actually have a life--it just isn't always all that exciting. Snippets of now and the future:

We've begun the slow process of packing. Anyone who has a lengthy relationship and has kids I'm sure can sympathize with just how monumentally more difficult it is to change living situation. For us, our current lease ends this summer and we've decided that, for the money we pay we would prefer a home that isn't surrounded by screaming college kids most nights of the week. Hopefully something with more yard for the kids. At any rate, packing takes forever, and we've only just begun. Hopefully we'll find something that meets our needs and our desires as much as possible.

This week Rael's preschool decided to surprise all the kids with the gift of a goldfish. A word of advice--if you plan to enter the teaching field, or to work with kids, do not give a child a pet, no matter how low-maintenance (ha! Shel can attest to how not low-maintenance fish actually are), without first making sure it's ok with the child's parent. Rael was ecstatic at his new fish and had it named and loved before he even left the classroom (he named it Goldy). I, on the other hand, not so happy that my kid now has a life to care for, and an extremely fragile life at that. I think it requires a certain level of audacity I just can't quite fathom, like cutting someone else's kid's hair without making sure the kid's parent is cool with it. Sadly, Goldy survived a bare 24 hours and Rael had to experience his first, and for a long time last, Funeral For A Fish.

Down With the Sickness

I already fucking hate swine flu. Really, I have nothing but sympathy for anyone truly impacted by it and take its danger seriously, but I'm already worn down by the rampant paranoia I run into over it: people demanding to know why cashiers at work aren't wearing rubber gloves, the massive increase in personal space around anyone who has the audacity to let loose with a sneeze, the hypochondria attached to any sudden feeling of less-than-perfect well-being. Drink some orange juice or something.

Heroes finally ended its season (and if you don't like spoilers, turn away fast and go no further). For the briefest of moments I was intensely happy: when I thought our heroes were going to form the Justice League (or something equally geeky and Hiro-appropriate for a team name) at the end. This glee was killed by their decision to stick with the inherently dull "Company." OMG WTF, right? Does the Company have shareholders? What does it sell? Yawnage. Ali Larter coming back as Hydro-man; I called that one when she "died" this last time. Unlike Ian, I was actually hoping they would reveal she's got like 100 twins and would kill her off and intro a new one with new powers every season--and they would all sleep with Adrian Pasdar's character. I loved the moral hit Parkman had to take this episode (I should say "had" since it wasn't necessary and I actually think he should have refused, like Hurley in Lost season 4 re: lying). Herein is why the Sylar fix is s-t-u-p-i-d stupid. Sylar/Nathan, among all his other powers, has the power to "read the past" of anything he touches (a la Longshot). How long before he touches Angela, Noah or Matt and remembers who he is? What about when Claire's stolen regenerative powers simply heal his brain damage until he remembers who he is? The episode previous introduced a far superior plot device for turning Sylar good--something I'll call (and true X-Fans should get this) Rogue Syndrome. The more psyches he incorporates via shapeshifting, the more fractured and "externally" influenced his psyche becomes--so get him to shift into more and more morally good people until the good guys outnumber the not-good guys in his head, forcing him to change his own moral compass; this idea made his sparing of Micah actually believable and palatable to me (and really, how disappointing is it that we finally get Nathan killed off, violently and graphicly, only to have to deal with the bad stilted acting again in future seasons?). Meh.

Contrary to everyone else, I love that Kal Penn's Dr. Kutner killed himself. I dug him the most of all the new House minions, but still was very down with that storyline (not so much the "imprint Amber/Cutthroat Bitch onto the devil-on-my-shoulder story of last episode). When I learned some months ago someone was going to die, I expected it to be Thirteen and really, really hoped Omar Epps' character would reprise his e.r. exit by jumping in front of a subway train, so I was more surprised than anyone when it was Kutner and I liked it. Yay.

Whitest Kids U'Know is on and it beckons. Later gators! OMG, "The Grapist" is going to "grape you in the mouth."

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday, dear Denise,
Happy Birthday to you!

I love you, dear.

Starjammers

When I was a wee one, I was a big fan of Battlestar Galactica (that and Dukes of Hazzard were my main live action shows), so between my general disdain for remakes and some not-stellar initial reviews I had from trusted friends, I gave the BSG remake/next generation a big miss when it first came out. I'm not sure why, but now that it's finally over, now that I've other trusted friends who apparently liked it, I've begun putting it through the Netflix rotation and am about half-way through the season one/mini-series as I type this. I'm afraid my accursed Tyler Durden Detector has already gone off, which is going to bum me out a little, as I hate when my Tyler Durden Detector goes off too early, but something seems too convenient about the lady who gets to inherit the Presidency when everyone else died in the beginning. I'm resisting my urge to Google, but tell me, she isn't one of those "human" Cylons is she? And why the hell is Starbuck a person? Shame. Olmos seems an unnatural fit for sci fi to me; I am however finding him to be pretty decent at it. And hey, the guy who plays Agent Ballard on Dollhouse is a cast member, so that's cool. Not giving up just yet, but I hope my Tyler Durden Detector behaves itself a little better.

Dollhouse is the Most Intellectually Complex Show on Primetime Television

There, I said it.

I'm about to be lambasted by friends for this, especially those who are fans of Whedon's previous tv series, but I'm coming to the point where I think Dollhouse is his most ambitious show, and his best-crafted. This is where I duck Ian's flamethrower.

I don't even want to address the louder, less reasonable cross-section of feminists who haven't even really watched the show and have condemned it as an extreme objectification of women, but of course I have to. First they obviously aren't truly familiar with anything previously created by Joss Whedon and his stable of writers--as I challenge anyone to provide an example of a female character of theirs who isn't strong, capable, competent. . .who isn't either equal or superior to all of her male counterparts. These people have been providing us with powerful, intelligent, strong women to watch, enjoy and respect for years. To say that this show is just the masturbatory fantasy of every basement-dwelling socially awkward male out there is both a disservice to the show and its creators, but a clear indicator that someone really hasn't been watching the show.

The one thing this show doesn't do is hit its viewer over the head with a message. It doesn't shine a light on how skeezy someone is to pay for a programmable playtoy for the weekend; it doesn't spend all of itstime questioning whether it's appropriate to use a technology just because we have the ability to use it (though both instances do occur in the show, neither are dwelled upon to the point of preachiness). If there's a moral to take away from the show, part of its perfection is that we each have to come into it on our own, navigating the many layers of ethics and morality the show has put forth to come into our own understanding of what this show has to say about our society, about our humanity.

For me, the greatest joy in this show is the debate it brings me, internally and externally with fellow viewers (most particularly Denise). I think the show completely turns the idea of good and evil completely on its head--as I don't believe there's a single character in this show who could fit the definition of a good guy. There are no saints here, only varying degrees of sin, of immorality and amorality, of ethical complexity. Again, I welcome someone trying to proveto me otherwise, because from where I stand there are no good-guys on Dollhouse, only varying degress of better guys. I think the ethical discussion this show demands is the most intriguing, makes this show the most complex of Whedon's to date, and is perhaps destined to be its very downfall. Too many of us want our entertainment simple and to the point and absolutely brain dead. For every Arrested Development and Veronica Mars that falls, ten Big Bang Theories, Two and a Half Men and Tyra shows rise.

Peaces

Just chilling out enjoying some Long Way Down on dvd. These locations are amazing.

Last night's Lost. . .as much as I hate Kate-centric or Jack-centric episodes, this one really worked for me, had a lot of multi-layered allusions back to past events, lots of loose-end tying. Not shabby at all. And glee @ predicting how young Ben would get healed in advance. Looking forward (how very much not the appropriate emotion) to what I expect to be Ben's killing young Charlie next week in order to spur Desmond back to the island. I miss him calling everyone "brother" every thirty seconds.

Had a bad day--am having a pleasant night. Thanks to everyone who's sent all their kind thoughts and well-wishings this past week. You rock.

Venting

First up, the cardiology results:
1. I have a larger heart chamber than normal, but one that he says is actually the right size for someone my height and if I were at my ideal BMI.
2. I have a small leak in my pulmonary valve.
3. I have ventricular hypertrophy, which because I don't have high blood pressure problems, he says is not regular but nothing to worry about.
4. My PVCs went away entirely during the treadmill test, showing that activity is not a risk on my heart, but rather the opposite.

The end result was him saying I'm fine enough and that as long as I don't have new or worsening symptoms, I don't require any surgery or medications. Afterwards, he reminded me that I'm overweight and should improve my diet and exercise.

This last has led to immediate and recurrent pressures from one front that I should undergo surgical options I neither want nor feel at all necessary at this point. It's increasing my stress load a great deal though responding to these pressures. I don't need them. And it's beginning to upset me enough to make me want to isolate myself from them.

A week from today I see my general practitioner again and plan to be going over all of these results, plus the results from my yearly lab work-up with him then.

The nutshell: if you've been worrying for me, thank you, now feel free to cease doing so. And a very big thank you to the Taylors for all the help they've given us recently with watching kids while Denise and I deal with so many doctors' visits these past few weeks.

Impolite

I think I'm losing my patience for diminished manners in my old age. It used to be that I'd just shrug off someone else's being boorish or rude, but lately I just want to bring the full wrath of Miss Manners down on these people.

Today during my echo cardiogram the tech running my test broke wind, quite quietly but also quite stankily and nary a word of apology or even acknowledgment from her as our closet sized testing room filled with the microscopic particles of rank that escaped her ass. All the while I'm trapped on the table thankful for every time she demanded I hold my breath.

At work I've found my tolerance for assholes greatly diminished--to thepoint I will, and have, refuse to serve someone if they're being particularly annoying douche bags. I feel no guilt whatsoever in this. If you're a drunk (and driving!) in my drive-thru and decide to be particularly crass or douche baggy, you're nixed. If you think it's an acceptable behavior to sexually harass my female staff (or male, but that I never see), you're nixed. I actually don't get people who treat their food preparers so poorly. You may think yourself "better" than your wee fast food employee, but remember, these are the people who just might decide to retaliate with snot burgers. Not that I've ever done that, but I'm just saying. If you haven't seen Waiting, you really should.

I guess it bugs me more when it comes from friends though. Two friends in particular are notorious for not responding to emails, no matter the seriousness of the subject and I find myself fighting a growing urge to just distance myself and break ties. If I'm not worth the time of day for a response or even just an acknowledgment then why should I keep feeling as if they're worth my time of day? The bonds of friendship being strong and all, it makes me feel as if they only go one way.

And by the way, I don't think my echo and treadmill tests went well for me today. At all.

Manic Monday

So Wednesday I went to the cardiologist. Anyone who's read the fullness of this blog, or knows me in real life, knows that I'm a guy who has lost his faith in much of the medical profession. I mean how many doctors did I see, suffering from major breathing problems, over seven years and never get a chest x-ray. . .too many. So I see a cardiologist on Wednesday for the arrhythmia my regular and only trusted doc discovered. So what happens? The cardiologist listens and listens and listens and declares that he doesn't hear anything. He does pay attention to the EKG I had the week before though and decides that more testing should be done rather than just declaring me fine. This is going to be a busy week for me with the usual full work and kid chauffeuring week; I've an appointment with Lash tomorrow afternoon, the cardiologist is having me in for both an echo cardiogram and a treadmill stress test tomorrow morning and then a follow-up visit with him the next day for the results (either that or wait 4 weeks for him to come back from vacation--no thanks). I'm already weary.

As narcissistic as Twitter is, it taught me Blink 182 is back together this week and that makes me happy. I missed their bubblegum punk.

Anyone else give Better off Ted a try yet? I've really enjoyed the first couple episodes. Not just because it has Portia Di Rossi, but it feels reminiscent of Arrested Development to me comedically, like they might be not-quite-kissing cousins. I can already see the fan rally to save the show from cancellation being a torrent of creamer packets shipped to the studio.

Seriously folks, Dollhouse is dangerously close to being my second favorite Joss Whedon helmed show of all time (sorry Firefly, but at least I get to see River terminate pigeons on Sarah Conner the preceding hour). It is that good. And all the feminist rantings about it--clearly folks with no real long-term viewing of this or any other Joss show. Catch up with it on Hulu if you haven't been watching it, and then start watching it. I think this show would make George Orwell proud.

Pearl Jam re-released Ten this week. Why is a band that was once so anti-studio, record company, commercialism, etc. putting out 5 versions of re-release for the consumers (4 different packaging options on Amazon and other retailers plus the full album available for the Rock Band game. This is the version I want to think about getting.)? Seems a bit much. And they'll be doing it again and again over the next two years with the rest of their catalog.

Scattered

As I've been lax writing here again lately, I'll likely be a bit slip-shod in this posting as I smooth back into things. I really do need to be less neglectful of this, regardless of how mundane the content.

I've been doing a lot of mental prep for a pitch I'm going to be putting together. I need to get my thoughts down on keyboard so they'll congeal better and turn into something as absolutely groovy as I believe they will be. Then I need to start harassing one of my more artistic friends into taking the pitch plunge with me; as much as I'd love to write and draw myself, my drawing output is too slow. More details as I get more ready to stick myself out there in the comics field again.

As mentioned, I've seen Watchmen and over-all I found it, with the exception of Rorschach, to be soulless, cumbersome and not the best acted. Obviously staying true to the source material 100% is an impossibility, but I find a lot of what they chose to excise was responsible in the written material for making the story more human and relate able.

At my annual physical yesterday, Dr. John discovered a bigeminy arrhythmia in my heart. Apparently if it's just that on its own, then I'm mostly just fine; if it turns out it's a symptom of something else, then it's dire enough that I could drop dead any minute now. Either way, the soonest a cardiologist would see me to find out, will be this upcoming Wednesday. Until then I have instructions not to strain or over-stress myself. Yay! How dare I beat cancer.

More later; I'm feeling a bit scattered.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday, to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday, Chris,
Happy Birthday to you.

One

I'm watching the 4th disk of Nip/Tuck season 5 yesterday and left the episode where Gina dies wondering if it's simply Jessalyn Gilsig's lot in life to play television characters who are somewhat broken and end up dead. Seeing as this is what happens to three of the four television roles I know her from (the other dearly departed characters of hers are in Heroes and Prisonbreak; I don't think she got offed in Boston Public, but anything's possible).

I do not think I will be seeing Watchmen this weekend. C'est la vies.

Yesterday Denise lost her wallet. This is a little bit of a headache, and very frustrating to have so many pieces of personal identification of hers out there potentially in the hands of less than honest people, but the cancellation of cards and requesting of new ones apparently went very smoothly for her. Whew.

An unprofessional and disrespectful tirade from my boss in response to a simple question about my schedule at work has left me struggling to hold my tongue and stay on the job. Every minute I'm there right now is entirely unpleasant.

Today it's also become clear to me that I and someone very close to me have extremely fundamentally different ideas about a lot of aspects of life I hold to be important--personal responsibility, friendship, forgiveness, love, remorse, respect. . .coming to this realization leaves me at the lowest I've been in a very long time.

I'm thankful I have Denise, understanding and supportive, and loving, in my life as I find myself negotiating new emotional terrain. Aside from her, I've never felt so alone.

Simple Things

Things making me smile today:

Rael demanding to wear his underpants backwards so his cartoon characters are in front.

Finding two bucks in my pants and spending them on a BK Mocha Joe this morning after zero hours of sleep.

Having a story idea I'm ready to explore working up into a pitch again after a bit of blockage.

Four days 'til my next day off.

Sigh.

The Post Man

I'm feeling pretty bored/boring lately, sorry. I know it's been a while. My inner narcissist wants to whine that almost no one has mentioned any lack of writing. . .but my inner narcissist is a douche bag.

My last post was written while I was on my vacation. Pretty much every day and night of vacation went very well for me, very pleasant, mostly enjoyable, spending a lot of time with the kids, Denise and Chris, playing Rock Band, taking naps, visiting Chrissy, having sleepovers, etc. Good times.

I both saw and read Wanted for the first time in the past two weeks. Dare I say I prefer the movie? The comic just read as more of the same anti-hero, celebrate the villain deconstructionist bullshit we've already had too much of in comics since Watchmen and Dark Knight came out in the 1980s. The movie, while a far cry from being awesome, had more redeemable qualities and characters.

Speaking of Watchmen, I'm supposed to get out and see it this Friday with Chris for his birthday. Right now I still don't know if my work schedule is going to permit this. We're hoping. Right now there are other considerations weighing on me as well. We'll see. I wonder how many people are going to ignore the fact this movie is R rated and take their kids to see it because it's a "superhero" movie and then wail about the damage Billy Crudup's giant blue penis did to their kids' psyches in public. My warning to you: parents don't take your kids to see Watchmen.

Work frustrates me so much I'm constantly on the verge of walking off the job. The only thing that stops me is my responsibilities to my family and the continuing lack of other prospects in the area.

I've lost a few pounds, but I don't know where--as I don't look a single bit leaner.

What else. . .