Cancer Checked

Today was my annual oncologist appointment (I only delayed it two months this time instead of something like eight), which really doesn't do much in itself. My oncologist listened to my breathing and states that it sounds like everything continues to be fine. My annual chest ct with radioactive contrast was also scheduled (this coming Friday), the results of which will more clearly determine whether all remains well or no. I need to make a regular dr. appointment too and determine if my high blood pressure was more a result of annual stress at this particular visit, and other things, or if I need to have my BP better monitored/regulated.

I need to direct some energy towards other endeavors now. Later!

I Watch Too Much Television Meme

1. Bold the shows you watch/used to watch regularly.
2. Italicize the shows you've seen at least one episode of.
3. Asterisk the shows you own on DVD (at least one season).
4. Post your answers.



50. Quantum Leap
49. Prison Break
48. *Veronica Mars*
47. Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
46. Sex & The City
45. Farscape
44. Cracker
43. Star Trek (TOS)
42. Only Fools and Horses
41. Band of Brothers
40. Life on Mars
39. Monty Python
38. Curb Your Enthusiasm
37. Star Trek: The Next Generation
36. Father Ted
35. Alias
34. Frasier
33. *CSI Las Vegas*
32. Babylon 5
31. Deadwood
30. Dexter
29. ER
28. Fawlty Towers
27. Six Feet Under
26. Red Dwarf
25. Futurama
24. Twin Peaks
23. The Office
22. The Shield
21. *Angel*
20. Blackadder
19. *Scrubs*
18. *Arrested Development*
17. *South Park*
16. Dr Who
15. Heroes
14. *Firefly*
13. Battlestar Galactica
12. *Family Guy*
11. Seinfeld
10. Spaced
09. *The X-Files*
08. The Wire
07. Friends
06. 24
05. Lost
04. The West Wing
03. The Sopranos
02. *Buffy the Vampire Slayer*
01. *The Simpsons*

Live to Tell

I've been getting a little berating from Brian and Denise for not writing here in almost a wweek. Sorry, I haven't wanted to share this last week, but I could have probably found something somewhat banal to say at least.

I have a lot on my mind right now, and much of it relates to things that I actually refrain from sharing here, which makes sharing the rest here harder. I'm still dedicated to a much greater writing output; I just need a few days to compose myself this week.

Tomorrow is my annual oncology appointment. I'm a little extra stressed about that.

So What

I had something to say last night, and lying in bed I decided I'd get to it today. And of course I can not remember what the heck I wanted to say last night. Lame.

Last week my Xbox 360 died, threw on up the dreaded "red rings of death" and so it's now in transit to the good folks at Microsoft's repair center in Texas. I know it's just a video game, which is so nothing in the grand scheme of things, but it's an integral part of my weekly unwind from work and spend time with friends every Saturday night, so its absence is abhorrent in that regard. For me, there aren't other options for Saturday nights at my place: gaming is Sunday (and 2 days a week is draining); if I never ever play Phase 10 again I will die happy. So, for a couple weeks, while I wait on an idea for how long the repair will take, I've rented a console, which is still slightly inconvenient, but better than the alternative for me.

This morning Denise woke me up to tell me my car wouldn't start and to give her a ride to work. Irksome. I need to figure that one out. It ran perfectly fine yesterday.

Yearly oncology appointment is next monday. . .

I'm so over all of the Obama mania. Can we get over it already and get this country working well again? The guy needs to start kicking ass right out of the gate, so get to it already. History's been made. Whoop-de-do. Next?

My Day In Four Words

Red Ring of Death.

You Got It

My earlier post "Unresolved" just got two spam comments, which I've deleted, from a user named, cleverly, "123," whom I've reported to Blogger as a spammer. I'm really hoping this isn't the start of another spamming spree. Maybe it's time to turn the word verification on again. . .I really don't want to go to having comments moderated & approved before posting, as I prefer true discourse, even when it disagrees with me. We'll see, I guess.

Season 8 of American Idol is off to it's usual start: truly decent slash good vocalists presented within an abyss of really exceptionally bad vocalists. It amazes me that after so many years we still see so many horrific singers show for these try-outs. See, I know I'm not a great singer, and have Rock Band as my outlet, where, at worst, I annoy my neighbours and not all of America. And I get the ones who obviously know they don't have it, but show up anyway for their 30 seconds of fame (really, who has time for fifteen minutes anymore?), but the rest, the awful ones who come off so devastated. . .are people really that non-self-aware? I cry.

Scrubs spoiled: J.D. and Eliot are together again. Surprise, surprise. Otherwise, it's been ok. Not the pure fantastic joy it once was, but better than the last two seasons. . .so far. I hold out hope. One of the new doctors is an extremely blunt and slightly cold no-nonsense type named Denise. I chuckle.

Grr. Arr.

My request for today: if you feel you absolutely must berate me and chew me a new asshole, please be sure to at least do it for something that I myself am responsible for and not or something I've no control or connection to.

Today was a "Take This Job and Shove It" day, but I kept as cool as I could and didn't go that route, as tempting as it was.

La di da di da. Onward.

Mark These Words

My word for 2009 aside, I do have certain goals for the coming year as well (not resolutions, just stuff I'd like to complete, and great if I do, oh well if I don't): win, grow, lose, continue, begin, end, win. This list makes complete sense to me, though I know that my avoiding definition/expansion makes the entire thing perhaps manipulatively vague--I apologize for this, but it'll remain as such for the nonce. I may/will elaborate as goals are met though. More likely will than may.

Last week a dear friend of mine sat me down to talk to me about my clearly being strongly depressed, and the intervention on their part moved me, but admittedly felt to have come from left field because I know that I've actually, as far as general emotions go,been more up than not and on a trend of up being more and more.

Then I read this blog and can see where a lot can be read into things here. I do gripe a decent amount sure. And clearly, reasonably, the passing of my grandmother left me depressed; at the time, motivating me out of bed was a task. Now, I remain sad, ever will, that she isn't here any more, but I'm at peace. I miss her and love her and live my life. You dig?

As much as I complain about my job, I'm actually thankful for it. It pays my bills, mostly, and cares for my family. I may grouse, and do work with thoughts towards something better, but I'm happy to be in the position I'm in when so many people are struggling so much harder right now. I feel fortunate.

Denise and I are in a really good place with our relationship. The kids are healthy and usually happy, always loved and loving. My appetites remain the same; my hobbies continue with the same attention as always. I live life looking forward to what the day will bring me and what I will bring the day.

I've never been the guy who walks around smiling like an insane person, and even at my happiest, I'm not a big laugher (which is actually hard with less lungs). There are days I may have a down mood, a moment of anger. Right now I have a great amount of worry for a large handful of my closer friends, which respecting all of their privacies is all I'll say there.

It makes me happy, touched even, to have been shown that I'm important to others and that they care, and it's because of this I feel I want to assure you all, when looking at my emotional state on whole, I am in a much better place than I was one or two years ago. I am happy.

And damn it, I will get happier.

Where'd You Go?

Hey all! I'm here; I'm fine. Been a busy week with both cars breaking down and needing repairs, the kids returning to school from the winter break, Denise's deposition, work, etc. so I've just been trying to relax and ignore the computer a bit. Return to regular posting will commence next week.

Love ya.

Questioning the Answers

So without further comment, ADJ's annual, year end meme:

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
That I'm willing to share here? Prior to 2008, I'd never retracted a work resignation; I've never sued someone before 2008 either.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I no longer make New Years' resolutions. See my previous post.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes.

5. What countries did you visit?
This year was 100% California.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Peace.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Geez, I don't even remember the specific date, but late Fall when I got the call about my grandmother.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Did I achieve anything this year? Being more gracious.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I didn't start writing my book.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing more than the usual and chronic ongoing yuckiness.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Nothing has given more consistent value and fun for its cost than Rock Band, but just because I lusted for one for so long, the PS3 goes here.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
I find a lot more joy in Rael's this year. Does that count?

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
John's.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Buying and repairing the Escort (ok, rent for the year was the most rent)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Not a lot, I've felt pretty dead inside this year. There were good shiney exciting feelings: Cammie's visit, Chris' return, kids' birthdays & holidays.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
I don't think I could pick just one, or three.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. Happier or sadder?
Sadder.
ii. Thinner or fatter?
'Bout the same really.
iii. richer or poorer?
'Bout the same.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Laughed.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Work.

20. How many one-night stands?
Zero.

21. What was your favourite TV program?
Pushing Daisies

22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Hate is an extreme emotion I reserve for three people, none of which were new to the list this year.

23. What was the best book you read?
Goodness, unlike last year, I really didn't do much reading this year. I've been re-reading the Iron Tower trilogy by Dennis McKiernan, which I do enjoy, and I've begun reading the Rachel Morgan and Mercy Thompson (these are the characters, not the authors) series, both of which I enjoyed. I continue to start and not finish Neil Gaiman's Fragile Things.

24. What was your greatest musical discovery?
She & Him, and The Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

25. What did you want and not get?
(Game show announcer voice) A Brand New Car! Respect in job.

26. What was your favourite film of this year?
Tropic Thunder, Once, Juno.

27. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
34 this year. Nothing special happened on my birthday this year. I was supposed to be at burger university but that got canceled, so I worked, and had to deal with a surprise corporate inspection on my birthday.

28. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
When not working, I dress for comfort, and occasional whimsy.

29. What kept you sane?
The kids, Saturday get-togethers.

30. Who did you miss?
More than anything/one, my grandmother.

31. Who was the best new person you met?
My gut answer to this doesn't count, because Cammie wasn't really new. And all the truly "new" people I've met have been fairly superficial, either "friends" on Facebook or new coworkers. Of them, I like Holly and Alex the most, respectively.

32. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
Sometimes it's really hard, but really right, to just shut the fuck up.

Unresolved

Those who have been reading here with me for a long enough time (or simply been running through the archives) will recall my aversion to making New Year's resolutions and that I instead choose a word for which I try to model my personal character and growth on in order to be a better me. Last year my word was grace. Personally, I feel as if last year's word was a resounding success for me in that the aeras of my life I felt could use more grace, have benefited form more grace; I do think the road to my goal on that one is still not done, though, and I'm going to keep working on that one. Probably will my whole life.

This year I'm going to keep grace going and choose a second word, a second concept. There are words I know I need to grow into more someday but am not ready to be that person yet (trust--I've lived my whole life being failed by people I trust, so I'm not quite ready to change my self concept on this one quite yet), and words that are attractive to me but ultimately too simple or simply not extensive enough (adventurous--I really can't think of much I could do that I'd want to do that would make me feel like a more adventurous person, so I'll just try to do some of these things without them being my word).

I've been talking about this alternate concept of resolutions at work and have gotten three folks to agree they should do it too, which is cool. I like to think that if the idea improves their lives I had a minuscule part in it. My friend Alex has said his word is "Evan," that his goal is to be more Evan. Knowing, more or less, precisely what he means by that, I can see it as a goal for him and approve.

But for me?

Sigh.

I reflect on the last couple years and feel as if I've lived through a lot of it fairly listlessly. There were pure wonderful moments, sure, but most of the time I just floated on. This last year has seen me growing a bit disconnected, to the point I really don't feel great fellowship with/towards my friends. I need to allow myself to feel more, to express emotion more, to just love life more. And so this year my word is, additional to grace, passion. Wish me luck?

So, what's your word going to be?