Holes

I've been feeling down more often lately. As my kids grow older, I become more and more aware of my own advancing age, of how I'm nowhere even close to where I wanted to be in life by this time, of how certain situations make any possibility of significantly changing that next to impossible at this time and that "at this time" will last at least until I'm 50.

And then I'm just romantically lonely. I'm no slouch at all when it comes to sexual gratification. If I feel needy in that regard, I've always been able to sate that need. But having sex doesn't sate all my needs and I'm growing more and more like I feel as if I'm not companionable. I really miss the intimacy of having a partner in life.

Looking these things over, as I have been incessantly for weeks now, what's really struck me is that the driving force of my feeling depressed about all of it is my feeling unable to really talk about it. If I post 99 positive, happy things online and one negative thing I get the people in my life telling me things like I'm being really emo, or that all I talk about is negativity. So reaching out over social media or other internet means (virtually my only real access to *all* of my closest friends) is something I always hold back as long as I can bear to because of the shitty-feeling backlash. And there's no one in my in-person life that I feel close to enough, that I trust enough, to talk to about the heavier emotional stuff. I had a confidante once, a remarkably handy, incredibly trusted and wholly important friend, and local even--someone I could always count on to be there for me, and whom I could be there for in return. And then my wife left me to shack up with him (Sure, the situation is significantly more complicated than that, and yet at the same time, it's also really that simple).

It's hard coming back from that level of having your trust breached. I wish I could. I think these holes in my life are killing me.