Grey Matters

I can't put my finger on a why for it, but I've been in a pretty dour mood the last two days. Really, nothing bad has happened to put me there and I'm wondering if maybe I've just woken up on the cliched wrong side of the bed.

Rael's disastrous behavior yesterday could definitely have its part to play, but I don't really feel it has. With his situation I went fairly quickly into "help my kid" mode, speeding up his intake into counseling, conferring with his principal, etc. And aside from that, the kids have actually been pretty stellar the last two days.

Aeia finally got her Visa gift card for placing 3rd in last Spring's Agribee and she hasn't wanted to rush off and go spend it--this is a good thing. I'm happy to see her controlling her impulses more and thinking about what she wants to do; a year ago she would have blown it all on candy.

Lash's settlement is being dealt with well and with no more hiccups. That's all I can say about that, but it should be enough anyway.

Last week was actually pretty damn good. Maybe my psyche just needs a day or two to balance it out. Or maybe I'm naturally a pretty shitty dude. I'm not going to discount either possibility.

I miss my friends. I really have little to no adult human interaction during the week, Of course I love my children and want them with me 24/7, but I do need to find a way to share my life with some peers as well, and not just during the 2-3 days the kids are with their mother.

Rael Today

Today I got a call from Rael's principal because he stabbed another child with his pencil. He's apparently been acting out a lot these first three weeks of school. He had behavioral issues in Head Start and we were able to determine some commonalities between "good" days and "bad" (good days were when I dropped him off and reminded him of behavioral rules, bad days were when Denise dropped him off and paid no attention to such reminders). I worry that his current drop-off schedule is too chaotic for him to adjust at school properly.

We started him in professional counseling. He starts Wednesday.

Start Rant

Today's plan:
8: drop kids at school
8:15: deliver Tassy, and Denise's ridiculous log book, to Denise
9: go to bank and open up account for currently accessible portion of Lash's settlement
?:??-2: take a nap and catch up on all the sleep I've missed this month.
4: go to work.

Step four is currently off because step three has been derailed by Denise's continued refusal to be cooperative. Knowing she's needed to show up and sign a signature card for Lash's account, she is nowhere to be found and refuses to answer phone calls from me (nothing new there), the bank and even her work. So now I'm home in wait mode to hear from the bank as to whether they ever get a hold of her.

End rant.

The Abduction, part 1

Last night I had the nightmare that Denise abducted the kids again (specifically, she only abducted Rael and Tasmia in this dream, not that it makes the dream at all more pleasant). This is a fear (and in its event, a horror) I wouldn't wish upon anyone. It's also a horror I'd like to get over, but I fear that will be a long, long time coming.

Back in April of this year I confronted Denise with evidence of her using drugs after our split, and of her being under their influence while she was taking care of the kids. Under the advice of dear friends I let Denise know that I wanted her to seek drug counseling or provide a clean drug test. She, of course, grew agitated and an argument ensued (as happened every time we ever discussed something that wasn't favoring her). During the course of this argument I called her a cunt, something I'd never done in thirteen years together.

Two days later while I was at work, and with the aid of her parents and my self-defining "only friends" the Taylors, she kidnapped our children and went into hiding. At the time, we had been working toward divorce as amicably as possible (which still wasn't very amicable) and there wasn't yet a court order for custody or visitation. Because of this the police refused to do anything to help, even when faced with legal precedents and statutes that demanded it. Denise sought, and was denied, a restraining order against me. The abduction happened on a Friday afternoon, so I couldn't utilize the court for assistance until Monday (and was able, based on the evidence of her past neglects and her current abduction to get a hearing the very next day, Tuesday).

Friends stayed with me throughout the weekend, lending what support they could. All the while, the absence of the children was keenly felt. There was none of their laughter, none of their smiling faces, none of their playing games, none of their peaceful sleeping. Toys lay on the floor calling attention to the kids' absence. Nothing in life has ever hurt as much as this horrific act.

At the hearing that Tuesday, the courts returned the children to my primary care, allowing Denise to only see them from Friday afternoon until Monday morning. The children returning home at six that night was, equal to the heartache of their abduction, the happiest moment in my memory. What followed was four long, frustrating months of court battles over custody finally culminating in the same visitation schedule for the oldest two kids and an additional time allotted to her with the youngest two from Weds. afternoon until Thurs. morning (optional for Lash and Aeia).

The abduction has devastated what little relationship was left between Denise and the eldest kids. Lash, in typical teenager fashion just goes with the flow of the court's demands while he'd rather not see her. Aeia is instead very vocal about her feelings towards her mother and wants nothing to do with her (this week she even told her counselor and me that she doesn't like her mother and counseling isn't going to fix it, so she wants to end counseling because everything else in her life makes her happy). Rael's trauma from the abduction is keenest whenever his mother talks to him about her eventually getting a place of her own (she's been staying with the Taylors these past months), which he equates to her stealing him again and keeping him from me.

And me? Every weekend I send the kids off with Denise and feel the same emptiness of their absence while they're gone. Every weekend the fear returns that some insane thing will set this woman I believe to be unstable off and she'll take them again despite court orders. Every weekend I revisit the fear that Friday was the last time I'll ever see them again.

And somehow there are still some people who think I'm the bad guy because I called Denise a cunt.

Pilgrimage

Eventually I'll get around to writing about all the big events of the last eight months that played so keenly into why I've been so scarce in blog-land, but since all eight of my readers already know all of this anyway, and it would just be for my own need to brain-spew (or to share with the ransom viewer) it will wait a little bit longer until I start being more loquacious about it all. Bear with me, all the important news about my split with Denise, Lash's trial, etc. will find their way here eventually. Today though: mundanity.

Today was the first Wednesday of our court ordered timeshare giving Denise visitation with Rael and Tasmia from Wednesday until Thursday morning. It's been the first time in months where I've even had an opportunity to spend quality time with Lash and Aeia without my youngest darlings and so we three decided to take in a movie. Joined by friends Alex and Josh we took in Scott Pilgrim vs the World (second viewing for me and Josh) and it was just as fantastic the second time through.

I think it's a real shame it isn't doing better in theaters. It needs to do better. Is it not being marketed properly to video gaming boys and manga loving girls? Too bad. Quick people, see it now before it disappears. You will love it.

Well

It's been a while. I'm just checking in to say I'm not dead, and this isn't either. There's just been a necessary hiatus. That's ending now.

More to follow. Soon.

Across the Universe

(Quick note to the casual reader, while it may seem otherwise, this blog is not defunct, it's just on sabbatical, posting at the most intermittently until I can post more freely again. My closest readers understand the why for this and I ask you to trust there will be prolific posting here again)

"Sometimes love isn't enough." I've been thinking about the nature of love a lot lately and I have to say that I've come to the conclusion that this quoted statement is utter bullshit. I think the Beatles had it spot-on with All You Need is Love: there's nothing you can do that can't be done.

I think that if love is true, then nothing is insurmountable. If you love someone, you do the work (that is, love doesn't do the work for you, but it inspires you to do what needs done for love to flourish). Love isn't sitting on the couch with your nose in a book or computer, ignoring the world, and the person you claim to love, around you. It isn't saying that you love the hurt friend in need while turning away from them. This is false love. It's fleeting and not real. Love makes you work; love helps you to heal.

If love is real, other desires fall by the wayside. Maybe one of you wants to travel the world or maybe one of you wants kids when the other doesn't. If there is love, you make it work anyway, together. Together is important because love is never a solitary emotion.

Everyone, if you're finding yourself seeking an out and blaming it on how love isn't enough, stop and consider whether you ever really loved at all. Love doesn't succeed or fail, we do.

Top Ten Valentine's Day Movies for the Demented, Disturbed, and Emotionally Stunted People Share

Not my "Top" Ten but rather just ten I could think of that I like, know well enough and fit the bill.

You should not find "Titanic, "Pearl Harbor," or "The Notebook" on this list. If these are on your list, you are banned from posting as they automatically disqualify you from the above three requisite attributes.

You know the drill -- copy & paste.

While numbered, not really in any particular order.

1. Dear Wendy. This is hands down the best tragic love story I've ever seen about a group of tees and their love for the 2nd Amendment. It's pretty chilling to me.

2. Breaking the Waves. The Hell Emma Watson puts herself through in this film all in the name of love is one of the hardest things I've ever had to watch and still sits with me many years later.

3. Saved! Because I am filled with Christ love and will smack you with the Bible to prove it.

4. True Romance. In complete agreement with Adrienne, this is by far the best of all movies written by Tarantino to date. It has every hallmark one could need for a demented romance film: marrying a prostitute the morning after you meet her, Gary Oldman as a white Rastafarian drug dealing pimp, horrific violence, public sex in phone booths, Christian Slater, suitcases of blow and James Gandolfini beating women.

5. Bent. Mick Jagger as a drag performer. Clive Owen and Lothaire Bluteau as two homosexuals in the Dachau concentration camp. Painful.

6. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. If it weren't for the entire strange premise of this movie, the "finding and loving each other again" end to this movie would risk it being too sappy for this list. But I say thee nay! This is a beautiful demented love story. Joel: I can't see anything that I don't like about you. Clementine: But you will! But you will. You know, you will think of things. And I'll get bored with you and feel trapped because that's what happens with me. Joel: Okay. Clementine: ... Okay.

7. D.E.B.S. Spy comedy? Teen romance? Heroine and villainess find true love? All of the above.

8. Heathers. Christian Slater again. Murder masked as suicide in the name of love. Classic.

9. Hellraiser. So what if the lovers are the badguys and they most definitely get all they have coming to them and more. Even though they must be beaten, this entire horror is built around their love.

10. The Evil Dead. "We just cut up our girlfriend with a chainsaw. Does that sound "fine"?"

Discuss

Daybreakers in Too Many Words

I saw Daybreakers last week. Can't decide how much I really liked it. I think part of my ambivalence comes from this frustration: I am so very tired of the romantic leading guy vampire story who typically saddles himself with a young seemingly innocent girl, often pretending to be a highschool student instead of the hundreds-years old thing he is (I'm looking at you Twilight Saga, Southern Vampire Mysteries aka Trueblood and Vampire Diaries). What I really want is a nice horrific vampire story--one where the vampires are bad guys and so very very scary. 30 Days of Night's film adaptation gets points for trying and Let The Right One In was just awesome to the Nth degree on so many merits, including a bit of strange horror but otherwise I can't really seem to grasp a memory of there being a good vampire film of this sort in over a decade. Based solely on what little I'd seen of commercials on the television, I had high hopes this would finally be a good trip into horrorland. I was wrong.

I knew the movie wasn't going to be a scary one as soon as Ethan Hawke and Sam Neill's names flashed through the opening credits. Neither of them are 'that kind' of actor, though both are quite enjoyable. And I did end up ultimately finding the film enjoyable but not great, and not the scary I wanted. It was cerebral, which can be very nice. But it almost felt like it was also so busy not committing to any one train of thought that none of them ever really saw huge amounts of development, which ultimately just left me craving more.

Reality

I've grown to be extremely effing tired of a certain very-vocal very-minority having the need to share the opinion that my wife should have left me during the four years I wasn't working. Particularly as their opinion completely disregards a teensy detail we'll go ahead and call 'facts.'

Fact #1. For the first four years of our marriage Evan worked full time and went to school full time, even working graveyard shifts while going to school, while Denise remained happily unemployed as a full time student. This was followed by Evan working minimal part time while still going to school and being the primary caretaker of both his children and his foster children, while Denise finally worked full time. This brings us to the period of time we'll call 'fact #2.'

Fact #2. For the four year period of time these very-vocal very-minorities refer, Evan actually worked two, sometimes three, part-time school-year-long jobs while also going to school full time and receiving student aid & loans. During this time Denise worked a job she did not like and very vocally wanted out of it. Despite her and many other perceptions, Evan's income during these four years of "not working" was actually close to equal 40% of our annual income. It was just never given value as Evan wasn't working a 9-5 M-F job like Denise.

Fact #3. In order to accommodate Denise's 'need' to leave a job she didn't enjoy, but nonetheless a job that paid her 175% per hour what she makes now, Evan had to quit school with one semester left in his degree, which also cost him both of his campus jobs, and go back to the 'acceptable' form of work that would allow her to quit: a fast food paycheck supplemented by rent from a roommate she openly hated.

As Evan pointed out earlier, he is so effing tired of this opinion. So, if any very-vocal very-minorities should feel the urge in the future to voice this opinion, Evan is likely to be quite impolite with them in response.

Everyone else can have a nice day!

Next Year

Last year, my New Years Word was passion (and the decision to continue on with grace, which remains the case). I don't think living a life with more passion was at all a beneficial change in life for me. Being more passionate about my friendships led to caring more about them for both their benefits and their deficiencies which led to disappointment at friends who didn't share nearly the same passion and ultimately their ending. Being more passionate about my marriage led to caring more about our varied problems and a desire to work harder to fix them. Ultimately, this too was a failed decision.

For most of this month my decision had been that this years word, this years goal for personal development and growth would be forgiveness. To work at overlooking the deficiencies of others and instead forgive them and welcome back friendships discarded for caring too much. Over the past week I held to this word-decision if only to hopefully make life at home in some way manageable again.

I can't do it.

I've grown too cognizant of the fact that forgiveness isn't likely in me anymore right now. For whatever reasons, I'm not ready to just overlook the deficiencies of others or the pain others instill. If people can't own the wrongs they themselves commit, I'm not in a place to forgive their faults. I'm finding that I instead feel quite the opposite and am intent on protecting myself instead from the bile expressed by others.

I can't do forgiveness now. So if not that, what? I'm finding that perhaps a much more important word for me to live this year is healing. I think healing will be the most significant aspect of life I should pursue internally right now and recognize in some cases where that may mean not being nice, which is why forgiveness won't always be a component of healing. If I can find myself healing, and if I can help my children to heal any pains of their own, then this years word will have been a success. The best part of healing, besides getting better, is knowing that the friends and loved ones who are there with us are all a positive part of this process.

Twilit

I started this before my current hardships began. I don't know if I'll find the heart to care to finish it:

As much as I’ve decried the series for its Mormon allegory, I’m not going to focus on it in too much depth as I examine the story here (rather, I’ll refer interested parties to this article for the LDS allegorical discussion as well as to invite readers to simply Google “Twilight Mormon allegory” if they so desire): http://www.touchstonemag.com/archives/article.php?id=22-08-024-f .

The preface.
As I read through this short bit of text, I’m left wondering if anyone took the time to tell the author the difference between a preface and a prologue.

First Sight (also known as chapter one).
Here on the first page is where Bella really starts to lose me: “Neither of us was what anyone would call verbose.” Prolixity (from Latin prolixus, extended, also called verbosity and garrulousness) in language refers to speech or writing which uses an excess of words. Adjectival forms include prolix, verbose, and garrulous. Which, for the layman, means a person who is verbose talks or writes a lot. A lot. If Bella is not verbose, why do we have a 245 page (my edition) novel told in her voice? Ostentatiously, why do we have four such novels in her voice? At some point I’m going to end this exploration with a return to this statement: if she’s so not-verbose why couldn’t she just shut the fuck up then?
Two more pages in I’m convinced that at least the character of Bella has no clue what verbose means because she and her father are displaying it in spades (and by page eight I’m convinced Stephanie Meyer should have fired her copyeditor). I leave the first chapter not at all enamored of our primary antagonist. She comes off as either ignorant or a liar (see the verbose statement above), and she’s shown to be a bit of a bitch, where she can’t be bothered to retain the names of the other girls she meets, nor can she be bothered to pay attention to any of their prattling until they start talking about subjects she herself initiates, rather than any of the other subjects that instead interest them.

Chapter one also resonated heavily for me as an allusion to the newly adult LDS male going on his mission: like Bella wanting to go while simultaneously dreading the upheaval of their life, missing “home” and even the suggestion that remaining would be a hardship for the parent (as Bella suggests staying in Phoenix would be bad for mom, and an LDS child-man turning away from their mission would be a socially damaging action for their parents).

At this point I’m having trouble deciding whether I simply dislike the writing style, or if there’s nothing necessarily off-putting about the style; rather the main character is thus far just so unappealing that I lump my dislike for her into my dislike for Meyer’s prose. We’ll see how far along I can force myself through this.

Home Movie in 217 Words

This movie stars my least favorite actor in Heroes with bad enough acting and dialog as to guarantee its place amongst the sort of horror movies I would usually be watching with Chris (i.e. enjoyably awful) only much more dull. This was the sort of dull that I couldn't maintain my own full attention for the first half hour the acting and storyline was that bad. Start to finish this film, the reactions of the parents, is so absurdly unbelievable as to give this movie an absolute failing grade. You see where this movie is going, there will be no surprise in the ending. Still, 45 minutes or so in, it started becoming harder to ignore the film in favor of Facebook. An hour in, knowing full well that nothing would be a surprise, nothing would be new for this story, the acting no better, the plot as nonsensical, I could not draw my attention away. My chest was, and remains 15 minutes post-movie, tense. Breathing shallow. I became filled with a growing dread. And could not stop watching. I wanted to stop watching, but knew that doing so would somehow make it even scarier--coming to the ending that was so expected would somehow be more amelliorating than shutting off. I may have been wrong. This movie fucking scared me.

Ongoing Conversation Between Me and Rael

This started two weeks ago.

Rael: Daddy, don't be sad, but Santa isn't real.
Me: What? You don't think Santa's real?
Rael: No, he's rubber. Santa's not real, he's fake. He's rubber daddy.
Me: Does this mean you don't want Santa then beca--
Rael: Nope.
Me: Uhm. . .

Rael: Santa IS real, daddy.
Me: Oh, he's real now?
Rael: Yeah, so now he can come.
Me: Ok.

and so on, repeat, etc. And then today:

Rael: I love you, daddy. Santa's not real, daddy.
Me: Ok. So no Santa then?
Rael: No, Santa's coming.
Me: How can Santa come if he's not real?
Rael: He's fake!
Me: Right, so if he's fake, how's he going to come?
Rael: I think I have enough stuff I can make us a robot Santa and he can come.
Me: OK.

Re-Tweeted

You may or may not have noticed that I've included my Twitter feed to this blog for the past few months. It's a chance for you to have mini snippets of me during those times I lag a bit more than we'd all like between posts here. And if you're inclined, you should totally follow me. Blah blah blah.
So today I tweeted (egads, I really do cringe at Twitter-speak, though I still use it for its growing universality amongst those who use it) the following: " evan_up Ironic from me, I know: Lately I find myself wishing more of the people closest to me would see the happy things in their lives. "

After the events of my post two previous to this one (that is, after I withdrew from certain other associations), Denise and I spent a good month or more (more) arguing, in our way (which means a lot of arguing from me and a lot of ignoring me slash escaping from reality into a book for Denise) as we worked through a personal problem that'd needed sorting for a couple years now, overshadowed previously by other matters. I feel that, while nothing is ever perfect and never will be, we've come through this together finally and into a much better place for it. I see in Denise though a reticence, a "is this just the calm before the next fight" quality to her demeanor. I regret that I'm probably deservedly to blame for her worrying this way but I hope I can get her to see that I'm happier now we've been working together and I look forward to the future we have more than I ever had in a long long time. I hope she can see the same bright star ahead soon; I'll have to work harder to help show her.

And then there's Aeia. The other day she made up this very charming Christmas card for me and Denise. Anyone who has ever received a homemade card from Aeia knows exactly how special and quirky wonderful these cards can be. This one, amidst all of its quirky Aeia-card perfection was also this bit of a gut puncher: I hope you and mom have a really nice Christmas, at least someone should have one.
Me: *dumbfounded* Sweetie, what's this? Don't you think you're going to have a good Christmas?
Aeia: No.
Me: You think you're going to have a bad Christmas?
Aeia: No. I think it's just going to feel like a regular day for me.
I don't quite know how to tackle that one. I hope we can find a way to make Christmas more special for her. Actually, I think as I typed the preceding sentence I figured out just how. I'll come back to this in a week and let you know how it worked.

To all of my home-fries out there (and if you think this applies to you, it probably does): finals are over, your friends and family love you, stop fretting over the minor stuff (especially, if it applies to you, Burgeropolis), stop worrying about what might happen with situations you haven't even started yet and start them instead--then worry about what to do about them; have more fun, laugh a little more--if you need help with this, call me, but me a drink or come over and kill some zombies or something.

words and music by Eric Idle

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best...

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.

So always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath

Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

And always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the right side of life...
(Come on guys, cheer up!)
Always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the bright side of life...
(Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
Always look on the bright side of life...
(I mean - what have you got to lose?)
(You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!)
Always look on the right side of life...

Kidding

This post will be less of a whiny "State of the Evan Union" post than the last one was. But I do want to give a quick thank you to Alex and Kayla for deciding to drop by Wally World in order to cheer me up after reading my last post.

I haven't talked much about the kids in a while, so for those family and friends with an interest in such things, some updating:

I'm going to start off with Aeia and completely buck the idea of any conventional ordering. The last month saw Aeia making a concerted push at getting me to re-implement the concept of allowances. Ironically enough, my decision to capitulate to this request has resulted in her deciding to be the one who least does their chores and therefore earns the least allowance. Over the Autumn Break (aka Thanksgiving Week) she had a family tree homework assignment. The parameters for this only required focus on her family tree through her grandparents, my and Denise's parents but Aeia was so interested in exploring as much of her geneology as she could that she pursued filling the tree out back through the generations out to my Great-grandmother. It was fun helping with this and it was fun listening to some of her reactions and revelations. She is very concerned with the large number of unwed pregnancies and multiple marriages in both my mother's and grandmother's generations. Aeia's also taken an interest in choir and I look forward to eventually, hopefully, getting to see her perform.

Lash is struggling with the same things he's been struggling with for some time now: friends and grades (he isn't making/keeping any ((and I think the situation in my previous post is negatively impacting his one close friendship)) and his grades are poorer than ever before. Le sigh.) while at home he's really begun to rise up to improving how helpful he can be with the other kids and with his chores. Far from perfect, but improving. I'd like to get him involved with some sport again.

Tasmia and Rael are both very frequently pretending to be dinosaurs, running around and growling at everyone else. Rael has begun playing the Lego Rock Band game with me on occasion--he only has the attention span for 2 and a half songs--and he does surprisingly well for his age, even if only on "super easy" mode for guitar. He's definitely interested in performance as he really adds some rocking out to his rocking out.

Tasmia is freaking scary intelligent. None of the others were as loquacious at two, none as communicative of their canniness (though all have proven to be pretty darn canny and loquacious). I think Tasmia's going to end up ruling the world--sometime after she learns to be less messy when she eats.

Stop Loss

The last few months have been a bit of a struggle. Implementing change, even when the results trend toward the positive, is really very hard. Denise and I have grown stronger, fight a lot less. I like to think credit for this is due the extra care we've been putting in to new communication styles, changes in the relationship, etc. My big fear is that it's just because we don't see each other at all at least four days in every week. I'm betting it's most likely some combination of both things.

The last year has seen me struggling with another difficult transition as well. I'd come to realize that one of my longest running friendships had run to the point where it really wasn't a healthy relationship for me anymore. I spent a few months trying to fight myself in this realization, and trying to make this friend change themselves for the sake of saving our friendship, along the way making a lot of personal compromises and sacrifices I really wasn't comfortable with. Sometime in late March we all sat together and confronted this friend with various problems and observations, trying to "help" which to me, at that point, seemed a fruitless activity. And I said as much, that I'd reached the point of being tired of trying, that I wasn't going to try anymore.

This in itself proved a disservice to me, the friend and all of our interconnected relationships. Given the length of time and intensity of the friendship, and the interconnectivity of all my close friendships, declaration of giving up did not come along with a decision to then disassociate myself. This grew into months of expecting him to change without me putting any energy into it anymore, and the growing frustration as things didn't change except for when things would worsen. And somewhere along the way, any voicing of frustration on my part somehow made me a villain, or a tantuming infant rather than be taken as an opportunity for any introspection on any of our parts--a growing contest of who could be the bigger asshole while completely ignoring and invalidating the others complaints.

It took forever for me to get to the realization that the damage this situation was causing our friendship AND my own psyche was far too great. Far too great for the small return the friendship was giving either of us. Hard as it was to do, and it so really was, I removed myself from the equation and cut ties. I miss my friend dearly, but know in my heart that even if we were hanging out, the friendship would just return to the fallacy that it had been for the past 2-3 years. We're going to end up seeing each other at a party this weekend, and I fear myself letting myself go back to the old status quo. I hope I'm stronger than that.

I find myself lonelier these days. The absence of one of my closest friendships is painful. But ultimately, outside of the loneliness the decision has shown itself to be the right one for me. To just remove myself from the maelstrom of bullshit has improved my quality of life on all fronts save for the loneliness one.

I am happier. And I'm happier that Denise and I have grown a little closer in this time (and really, I hope my sharing here doesn't cause her upset or an increase of drama for any of us. I needed to talk about this and tried to be as neutral as possible). I'm happier the kids and I are closer. What's next for Evan? I don't really know. Hopefully there'll be a solution to the loneliness in there somewhere.

The 2009 Version of a common meme

Here is the new 2009 edition of getting to know your family and friends.
Here is what you are supposed to do, and try not to be lame and spoil the fun.
Change all the answers so that they apply to you.
Then send this to a bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person who sent it to you.
Some of you may get this several times; that means you have lots of friends.
The easiest way to do it is to hit 'forward' so you can change the answers or copy and paste. Have fun and be truthful!

1. What is your occupation right now?
Restaurant manager and freelance writer

2. What color are your socks right now?
They are the same color as my soul. Care to guess?

3. What are you listening to right now?
Panic at the Disco's "Northern Downpour"

4. What was the last thing that you ate?
Bacon

5. Can you drive a stick shift?
Is this a euphemism? Either way. . .the answer is the same.

6. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
Denise

7. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
Absolutely. I love everyone who has tagged me in this thus far.

8. How old are you today?
funf und dreissig

9. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV
Volleyball

10. What is your favorite drink?
alcoholic is White Russian, non-boozey is Diet Dr Pepper.

11. Have you ever dyed your hair?
My hair has been brown, black, green, metallic gold, blue and pink, all at different times.

12. Favorite food?
beef

13. What is the last movie you watched?
Humpday.

14. Favorite day of the year?
October 31st comes in second only to January 17th.

15. How do you vent anger?
poorly

16. What was your favorite toy as a child?
My stuffed dog Butchy. I still have him.

17. What is your favorite season?
Spring

18. Cherries or Blueberries?
Cherries

19. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back?
Or respond on Facebook--whichever.

20. Who is the most likely to respond?
~shrug

21. Who is least likely to respond
I predict Diana

22. Living arrangements?
Four bedroom apartment with Denise and the kids.

23. When was the last time you cried?
This is embarrassing. Yesterday. An absolutely stupid reality tv show got highly emotional and sappy and it made me cry. Shut up. You'll never guess what it was anyway.

24. What is on the floor of your closet?
Clothes, boxes of clothes from our abandoned plan to move, toys.

25. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending to?
Excluding family, Diana.

26. What did you do last night?
None of the things I wanted to. Cest la vie.

27. What are you most afraid of?
The death of loved ones. And dying myself while my kids are still children.

28. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburger?
cheese and spicy? I love a good teriyaki burger w/ pineapple. I make bomb homemade burgers too; spicy and juicy.

29. Favorite dog breed?
German Shepherd

30. Favorite day of the week?
It's Saturday!

31. How many countries have you lived in?
Just the 1...

32. Diamonds or pearls?
I'm a guy.... Diamonds?

Halloweened

Halloween week was pretty good here:

Tasmia had her second birthday. She completely fell in love with her giant stuffed frog that Denise bought for her. I was particularly taken by how carefully she chose to eat her cake: like some sort of prim and proper gentlewoman with the tiniest dainty bites and zero mess or use of just fingers.

Halloween itself was another great success. Friday night we hosted our usual Rock Band party and made sure to include with the invites that the occasion would be a Halloween costume party as well. Everyone who came was up to the task and came costumed or made up to fully celebrate the night. Big ups to everyone who came!

Trick or treating was fun. This was Tasmia's first year as a full-on door-to-door trick-or-treater and she was great with the "Trick or Treats" and "thank you's" at most every door. Costuming this year saw pirates and ninjas setting aside their ages old feud in order to celebrate the gathering of candy together, all under the watchful eye of Jason Voorhies hacking the way to every house for them. Lots of good fun, and loads of pictures have since been uploaded to my Facebook profile.

In non-holiday updates, work has been very busy but nowhere near as frustrating or annoying as it can tend to be. I miss the absence of some friends, though I'm moving on fairly well. This week was also the anniversary of my grandmother's passing and that continues to be hard, but I bottle it well enough *wink*. I think Denise and my relationship is growing stronger and much better communicated, even if the process of getting there sometimes makes it feel otherwise.

It's been a week of fun times, more hope, some stress: the usual.

Mini Zombie Update

Personally, I'm almost entirely a happy guy. There is one, one point in my life where this is quite not the case, and hasn't been for a while, but Denise and I continue to work at that and that is all I can really ask or hope for. Read-between-the-liners can note this is me making it clear that above all things I'm putting life and marriage first here and things are getting better.