Starjammers

When I was a wee one, I was a big fan of Battlestar Galactica (that and Dukes of Hazzard were my main live action shows), so between my general disdain for remakes and some not-stellar initial reviews I had from trusted friends, I gave the BSG remake/next generation a big miss when it first came out. I'm not sure why, but now that it's finally over, now that I've other trusted friends who apparently liked it, I've begun putting it through the Netflix rotation and am about half-way through the season one/mini-series as I type this. I'm afraid my accursed Tyler Durden Detector has already gone off, which is going to bum me out a little, as I hate when my Tyler Durden Detector goes off too early, but something seems too convenient about the lady who gets to inherit the Presidency when everyone else died in the beginning. I'm resisting my urge to Google, but tell me, she isn't one of those "human" Cylons is she? And why the hell is Starbuck a person? Shame. Olmos seems an unnatural fit for sci fi to me; I am however finding him to be pretty decent at it. And hey, the guy who plays Agent Ballard on Dollhouse is a cast member, so that's cool. Not giving up just yet, but I hope my Tyler Durden Detector behaves itself a little better.

Dollhouse is the Most Intellectually Complex Show on Primetime Television

There, I said it.

I'm about to be lambasted by friends for this, especially those who are fans of Whedon's previous tv series, but I'm coming to the point where I think Dollhouse is his most ambitious show, and his best-crafted. This is where I duck Ian's flamethrower.

I don't even want to address the louder, less reasonable cross-section of feminists who haven't even really watched the show and have condemned it as an extreme objectification of women, but of course I have to. First they obviously aren't truly familiar with anything previously created by Joss Whedon and his stable of writers--as I challenge anyone to provide an example of a female character of theirs who isn't strong, capable, competent. . .who isn't either equal or superior to all of her male counterparts. These people have been providing us with powerful, intelligent, strong women to watch, enjoy and respect for years. To say that this show is just the masturbatory fantasy of every basement-dwelling socially awkward male out there is both a disservice to the show and its creators, but a clear indicator that someone really hasn't been watching the show.

The one thing this show doesn't do is hit its viewer over the head with a message. It doesn't shine a light on how skeezy someone is to pay for a programmable playtoy for the weekend; it doesn't spend all of itstime questioning whether it's appropriate to use a technology just because we have the ability to use it (though both instances do occur in the show, neither are dwelled upon to the point of preachiness). If there's a moral to take away from the show, part of its perfection is that we each have to come into it on our own, navigating the many layers of ethics and morality the show has put forth to come into our own understanding of what this show has to say about our society, about our humanity.

For me, the greatest joy in this show is the debate it brings me, internally and externally with fellow viewers (most particularly Denise). I think the show completely turns the idea of good and evil completely on its head--as I don't believe there's a single character in this show who could fit the definition of a good guy. There are no saints here, only varying degrees of sin, of immorality and amorality, of ethical complexity. Again, I welcome someone trying to proveto me otherwise, because from where I stand there are no good-guys on Dollhouse, only varying degress of better guys. I think the ethical discussion this show demands is the most intriguing, makes this show the most complex of Whedon's to date, and is perhaps destined to be its very downfall. Too many of us want our entertainment simple and to the point and absolutely brain dead. For every Arrested Development and Veronica Mars that falls, ten Big Bang Theories, Two and a Half Men and Tyra shows rise.

Peaces

Just chilling out enjoying some Long Way Down on dvd. These locations are amazing.

Last night's Lost. . .as much as I hate Kate-centric or Jack-centric episodes, this one really worked for me, had a lot of multi-layered allusions back to past events, lots of loose-end tying. Not shabby at all. And glee @ predicting how young Ben would get healed in advance. Looking forward (how very much not the appropriate emotion) to what I expect to be Ben's killing young Charlie next week in order to spur Desmond back to the island. I miss him calling everyone "brother" every thirty seconds.

Had a bad day--am having a pleasant night. Thanks to everyone who's sent all their kind thoughts and well-wishings this past week. You rock.

Venting

First up, the cardiology results:
1. I have a larger heart chamber than normal, but one that he says is actually the right size for someone my height and if I were at my ideal BMI.
2. I have a small leak in my pulmonary valve.
3. I have ventricular hypertrophy, which because I don't have high blood pressure problems, he says is not regular but nothing to worry about.
4. My PVCs went away entirely during the treadmill test, showing that activity is not a risk on my heart, but rather the opposite.

The end result was him saying I'm fine enough and that as long as I don't have new or worsening symptoms, I don't require any surgery or medications. Afterwards, he reminded me that I'm overweight and should improve my diet and exercise.

This last has led to immediate and recurrent pressures from one front that I should undergo surgical options I neither want nor feel at all necessary at this point. It's increasing my stress load a great deal though responding to these pressures. I don't need them. And it's beginning to upset me enough to make me want to isolate myself from them.

A week from today I see my general practitioner again and plan to be going over all of these results, plus the results from my yearly lab work-up with him then.

The nutshell: if you've been worrying for me, thank you, now feel free to cease doing so. And a very big thank you to the Taylors for all the help they've given us recently with watching kids while Denise and I deal with so many doctors' visits these past few weeks.

Impolite

I think I'm losing my patience for diminished manners in my old age. It used to be that I'd just shrug off someone else's being boorish or rude, but lately I just want to bring the full wrath of Miss Manners down on these people.

Today during my echo cardiogram the tech running my test broke wind, quite quietly but also quite stankily and nary a word of apology or even acknowledgment from her as our closet sized testing room filled with the microscopic particles of rank that escaped her ass. All the while I'm trapped on the table thankful for every time she demanded I hold my breath.

At work I've found my tolerance for assholes greatly diminished--to thepoint I will, and have, refuse to serve someone if they're being particularly annoying douche bags. I feel no guilt whatsoever in this. If you're a drunk (and driving!) in my drive-thru and decide to be particularly crass or douche baggy, you're nixed. If you think it's an acceptable behavior to sexually harass my female staff (or male, but that I never see), you're nixed. I actually don't get people who treat their food preparers so poorly. You may think yourself "better" than your wee fast food employee, but remember, these are the people who just might decide to retaliate with snot burgers. Not that I've ever done that, but I'm just saying. If you haven't seen Waiting, you really should.

I guess it bugs me more when it comes from friends though. Two friends in particular are notorious for not responding to emails, no matter the seriousness of the subject and I find myself fighting a growing urge to just distance myself and break ties. If I'm not worth the time of day for a response or even just an acknowledgment then why should I keep feeling as if they're worth my time of day? The bonds of friendship being strong and all, it makes me feel as if they only go one way.

And by the way, I don't think my echo and treadmill tests went well for me today. At all.

Manic Monday

So Wednesday I went to the cardiologist. Anyone who's read the fullness of this blog, or knows me in real life, knows that I'm a guy who has lost his faith in much of the medical profession. I mean how many doctors did I see, suffering from major breathing problems, over seven years and never get a chest x-ray. . .too many. So I see a cardiologist on Wednesday for the arrhythmia my regular and only trusted doc discovered. So what happens? The cardiologist listens and listens and listens and declares that he doesn't hear anything. He does pay attention to the EKG I had the week before though and decides that more testing should be done rather than just declaring me fine. This is going to be a busy week for me with the usual full work and kid chauffeuring week; I've an appointment with Lash tomorrow afternoon, the cardiologist is having me in for both an echo cardiogram and a treadmill stress test tomorrow morning and then a follow-up visit with him the next day for the results (either that or wait 4 weeks for him to come back from vacation--no thanks). I'm already weary.

As narcissistic as Twitter is, it taught me Blink 182 is back together this week and that makes me happy. I missed their bubblegum punk.

Anyone else give Better off Ted a try yet? I've really enjoyed the first couple episodes. Not just because it has Portia Di Rossi, but it feels reminiscent of Arrested Development to me comedically, like they might be not-quite-kissing cousins. I can already see the fan rally to save the show from cancellation being a torrent of creamer packets shipped to the studio.

Seriously folks, Dollhouse is dangerously close to being my second favorite Joss Whedon helmed show of all time (sorry Firefly, but at least I get to see River terminate pigeons on Sarah Conner the preceding hour). It is that good. And all the feminist rantings about it--clearly folks with no real long-term viewing of this or any other Joss show. Catch up with it on Hulu if you haven't been watching it, and then start watching it. I think this show would make George Orwell proud.

Pearl Jam re-released Ten this week. Why is a band that was once so anti-studio, record company, commercialism, etc. putting out 5 versions of re-release for the consumers (4 different packaging options on Amazon and other retailers plus the full album available for the Rock Band game. This is the version I want to think about getting.)? Seems a bit much. And they'll be doing it again and again over the next two years with the rest of their catalog.

Scattered

As I've been lax writing here again lately, I'll likely be a bit slip-shod in this posting as I smooth back into things. I really do need to be less neglectful of this, regardless of how mundane the content.

I've been doing a lot of mental prep for a pitch I'm going to be putting together. I need to get my thoughts down on keyboard so they'll congeal better and turn into something as absolutely groovy as I believe they will be. Then I need to start harassing one of my more artistic friends into taking the pitch plunge with me; as much as I'd love to write and draw myself, my drawing output is too slow. More details as I get more ready to stick myself out there in the comics field again.

As mentioned, I've seen Watchmen and over-all I found it, with the exception of Rorschach, to be soulless, cumbersome and not the best acted. Obviously staying true to the source material 100% is an impossibility, but I find a lot of what they chose to excise was responsible in the written material for making the story more human and relate able.

At my annual physical yesterday, Dr. John discovered a bigeminy arrhythmia in my heart. Apparently if it's just that on its own, then I'm mostly just fine; if it turns out it's a symptom of something else, then it's dire enough that I could drop dead any minute now. Either way, the soonest a cardiologist would see me to find out, will be this upcoming Wednesday. Until then I have instructions not to strain or over-stress myself. Yay! How dare I beat cancer.

More later; I'm feeling a bit scattered.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday, to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday, Chris,
Happy Birthday to you.

One

I'm watching the 4th disk of Nip/Tuck season 5 yesterday and left the episode where Gina dies wondering if it's simply Jessalyn Gilsig's lot in life to play television characters who are somewhat broken and end up dead. Seeing as this is what happens to three of the four television roles I know her from (the other dearly departed characters of hers are in Heroes and Prisonbreak; I don't think she got offed in Boston Public, but anything's possible).

I do not think I will be seeing Watchmen this weekend. C'est la vies.

Yesterday Denise lost her wallet. This is a little bit of a headache, and very frustrating to have so many pieces of personal identification of hers out there potentially in the hands of less than honest people, but the cancellation of cards and requesting of new ones apparently went very smoothly for her. Whew.

An unprofessional and disrespectful tirade from my boss in response to a simple question about my schedule at work has left me struggling to hold my tongue and stay on the job. Every minute I'm there right now is entirely unpleasant.

Today it's also become clear to me that I and someone very close to me have extremely fundamentally different ideas about a lot of aspects of life I hold to be important--personal responsibility, friendship, forgiveness, love, remorse, respect. . .coming to this realization leaves me at the lowest I've been in a very long time.

I'm thankful I have Denise, understanding and supportive, and loving, in my life as I find myself negotiating new emotional terrain. Aside from her, I've never felt so alone.

Simple Things

Things making me smile today:

Rael demanding to wear his underpants backwards so his cartoon characters are in front.

Finding two bucks in my pants and spending them on a BK Mocha Joe this morning after zero hours of sleep.

Having a story idea I'm ready to explore working up into a pitch again after a bit of blockage.

Four days 'til my next day off.

Sigh.

The Post Man

I'm feeling pretty bored/boring lately, sorry. I know it's been a while. My inner narcissist wants to whine that almost no one has mentioned any lack of writing. . .but my inner narcissist is a douche bag.

My last post was written while I was on my vacation. Pretty much every day and night of vacation went very well for me, very pleasant, mostly enjoyable, spending a lot of time with the kids, Denise and Chris, playing Rock Band, taking naps, visiting Chrissy, having sleepovers, etc. Good times.

I both saw and read Wanted for the first time in the past two weeks. Dare I say I prefer the movie? The comic just read as more of the same anti-hero, celebrate the villain deconstructionist bullshit we've already had too much of in comics since Watchmen and Dark Knight came out in the 1980s. The movie, while a far cry from being awesome, had more redeemable qualities and characters.

Speaking of Watchmen, I'm supposed to get out and see it this Friday with Chris for his birthday. Right now I still don't know if my work schedule is going to permit this. We're hoping. Right now there are other considerations weighing on me as well. We'll see. I wonder how many people are going to ignore the fact this movie is R rated and take their kids to see it because it's a "superhero" movie and then wail about the damage Billy Crudup's giant blue penis did to their kids' psyches in public. My warning to you: parents don't take your kids to see Watchmen.

Work frustrates me so much I'm constantly on the verge of walking off the job. The only thing that stops me is my responsibilities to my family and the continuing lack of other prospects in the area.

I've lost a few pounds, but I don't know where--as I don't look a single bit leaner.

What else. . .

Taken

Mixed reviews for Taken? I don't want to scan any of them, let them accidentally bias my own opinion. Given my love for Leon the Professional, when I grokked their connection, I had to see this one. And so Denise and I saw it today.

I'll just start by saying that Denise, who generally prefers action flicks more than I claim to, didn't think it was her cup of tea: primarily, there weren't enough explosions for her, and the torture turned her off. Me, I found the torture integral to the storyline and felt it fit right in.

For me, there's a visceral response to thrillers that I often will use to gauge my enjoyment of said thriller: time spent either gritting my teeth and/or holding my breath. There is a direct correlation between the frequency a thriller's intensity causes these reactions in me and my pure enjoyment of the film. I did a lot of breath holding.

It's been a while since Liam Neeson's proven himself a bad ass (Qui Gon is bad ass lite), but I think he's finally topped even Darkman for bad-assery.

Tangentially: ADJ, I finally watched Pineapple Express yesterday and it was every bit as good as you said it would be (the best of Apatow's flicks since Virgin, in my not-so-humble opinion), now go watch Smiley Face.

You've Got Mail

My next door neighbour just delivered mail of mine that was delivered to her on accident. Except the mail is 3-4 weeks old (as what she brought me was a cable bill that's now 3 weeks past due) and it's been opened. This particular neighbour has never given any sort of problem before, but I think this is going to have to end up being a call the cops sort of infarction.

The kids are on vacation for a week again, starting today, and have way too much pent-up energy. Personally, I wish this vacation were a week earlier or later. I'm taking four of my five vacation days this week and was looking forward to some peace and quiet interspersed between being available to help some friends out if they need us.

Microsoft decided it would be cheaper for them to send me a new Xbox 360 rather than repair my broken one, and included a one month extension of my Live Gold account. I'm ok with this. The only downside, I had to re-download the 14 or so gigabytes of downloadable content I had in order to assign the license for them to the new console. Everything else is upside.

The past week saw Chris & Chrissy's 15th wedding anniversary and Aeia's 9th birthday. Happy Anniversary to the Taylors and Happy Birthday to my daughter!

Cancer Checked

Today was my annual oncologist appointment (I only delayed it two months this time instead of something like eight), which really doesn't do much in itself. My oncologist listened to my breathing and states that it sounds like everything continues to be fine. My annual chest ct with radioactive contrast was also scheduled (this coming Friday), the results of which will more clearly determine whether all remains well or no. I need to make a regular dr. appointment too and determine if my high blood pressure was more a result of annual stress at this particular visit, and other things, or if I need to have my BP better monitored/regulated.

I need to direct some energy towards other endeavors now. Later!

I Watch Too Much Television Meme

1. Bold the shows you watch/used to watch regularly.
2. Italicize the shows you've seen at least one episode of.
3. Asterisk the shows you own on DVD (at least one season).
4. Post your answers.



50. Quantum Leap
49. Prison Break
48. *Veronica Mars*
47. Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
46. Sex & The City
45. Farscape
44. Cracker
43. Star Trek (TOS)
42. Only Fools and Horses
41. Band of Brothers
40. Life on Mars
39. Monty Python
38. Curb Your Enthusiasm
37. Star Trek: The Next Generation
36. Father Ted
35. Alias
34. Frasier
33. *CSI Las Vegas*
32. Babylon 5
31. Deadwood
30. Dexter
29. ER
28. Fawlty Towers
27. Six Feet Under
26. Red Dwarf
25. Futurama
24. Twin Peaks
23. The Office
22. The Shield
21. *Angel*
20. Blackadder
19. *Scrubs*
18. *Arrested Development*
17. *South Park*
16. Dr Who
15. Heroes
14. *Firefly*
13. Battlestar Galactica
12. *Family Guy*
11. Seinfeld
10. Spaced
09. *The X-Files*
08. The Wire
07. Friends
06. 24
05. Lost
04. The West Wing
03. The Sopranos
02. *Buffy the Vampire Slayer*
01. *The Simpsons*

Live to Tell

I've been getting a little berating from Brian and Denise for not writing here in almost a wweek. Sorry, I haven't wanted to share this last week, but I could have probably found something somewhat banal to say at least.

I have a lot on my mind right now, and much of it relates to things that I actually refrain from sharing here, which makes sharing the rest here harder. I'm still dedicated to a much greater writing output; I just need a few days to compose myself this week.

Tomorrow is my annual oncology appointment. I'm a little extra stressed about that.

So What

I had something to say last night, and lying in bed I decided I'd get to it today. And of course I can not remember what the heck I wanted to say last night. Lame.

Last week my Xbox 360 died, threw on up the dreaded "red rings of death" and so it's now in transit to the good folks at Microsoft's repair center in Texas. I know it's just a video game, which is so nothing in the grand scheme of things, but it's an integral part of my weekly unwind from work and spend time with friends every Saturday night, so its absence is abhorrent in that regard. For me, there aren't other options for Saturday nights at my place: gaming is Sunday (and 2 days a week is draining); if I never ever play Phase 10 again I will die happy. So, for a couple weeks, while I wait on an idea for how long the repair will take, I've rented a console, which is still slightly inconvenient, but better than the alternative for me.

This morning Denise woke me up to tell me my car wouldn't start and to give her a ride to work. Irksome. I need to figure that one out. It ran perfectly fine yesterday.

Yearly oncology appointment is next monday. . .

I'm so over all of the Obama mania. Can we get over it already and get this country working well again? The guy needs to start kicking ass right out of the gate, so get to it already. History's been made. Whoop-de-do. Next?

My Day In Four Words

Red Ring of Death.

You Got It

My earlier post "Unresolved" just got two spam comments, which I've deleted, from a user named, cleverly, "123," whom I've reported to Blogger as a spammer. I'm really hoping this isn't the start of another spamming spree. Maybe it's time to turn the word verification on again. . .I really don't want to go to having comments moderated & approved before posting, as I prefer true discourse, even when it disagrees with me. We'll see, I guess.

Season 8 of American Idol is off to it's usual start: truly decent slash good vocalists presented within an abyss of really exceptionally bad vocalists. It amazes me that after so many years we still see so many horrific singers show for these try-outs. See, I know I'm not a great singer, and have Rock Band as my outlet, where, at worst, I annoy my neighbours and not all of America. And I get the ones who obviously know they don't have it, but show up anyway for their 30 seconds of fame (really, who has time for fifteen minutes anymore?), but the rest, the awful ones who come off so devastated. . .are people really that non-self-aware? I cry.

Scrubs spoiled: J.D. and Eliot are together again. Surprise, surprise. Otherwise, it's been ok. Not the pure fantastic joy it once was, but better than the last two seasons. . .so far. I hold out hope. One of the new doctors is an extremely blunt and slightly cold no-nonsense type named Denise. I chuckle.

Grr. Arr.

My request for today: if you feel you absolutely must berate me and chew me a new asshole, please be sure to at least do it for something that I myself am responsible for and not or something I've no control or connection to.

Today was a "Take This Job and Shove It" day, but I kept as cool as I could and didn't go that route, as tempting as it was.

La di da di da. Onward.

Mark These Words

My word for 2009 aside, I do have certain goals for the coming year as well (not resolutions, just stuff I'd like to complete, and great if I do, oh well if I don't): win, grow, lose, continue, begin, end, win. This list makes complete sense to me, though I know that my avoiding definition/expansion makes the entire thing perhaps manipulatively vague--I apologize for this, but it'll remain as such for the nonce. I may/will elaborate as goals are met though. More likely will than may.

Last week a dear friend of mine sat me down to talk to me about my clearly being strongly depressed, and the intervention on their part moved me, but admittedly felt to have come from left field because I know that I've actually, as far as general emotions go,been more up than not and on a trend of up being more and more.

Then I read this blog and can see where a lot can be read into things here. I do gripe a decent amount sure. And clearly, reasonably, the passing of my grandmother left me depressed; at the time, motivating me out of bed was a task. Now, I remain sad, ever will, that she isn't here any more, but I'm at peace. I miss her and love her and live my life. You dig?

As much as I complain about my job, I'm actually thankful for it. It pays my bills, mostly, and cares for my family. I may grouse, and do work with thoughts towards something better, but I'm happy to be in the position I'm in when so many people are struggling so much harder right now. I feel fortunate.

Denise and I are in a really good place with our relationship. The kids are healthy and usually happy, always loved and loving. My appetites remain the same; my hobbies continue with the same attention as always. I live life looking forward to what the day will bring me and what I will bring the day.

I've never been the guy who walks around smiling like an insane person, and even at my happiest, I'm not a big laugher (which is actually hard with less lungs). There are days I may have a down mood, a moment of anger. Right now I have a great amount of worry for a large handful of my closer friends, which respecting all of their privacies is all I'll say there.

It makes me happy, touched even, to have been shown that I'm important to others and that they care, and it's because of this I feel I want to assure you all, when looking at my emotional state on whole, I am in a much better place than I was one or two years ago. I am happy.

And damn it, I will get happier.

Where'd You Go?

Hey all! I'm here; I'm fine. Been a busy week with both cars breaking down and needing repairs, the kids returning to school from the winter break, Denise's deposition, work, etc. so I've just been trying to relax and ignore the computer a bit. Return to regular posting will commence next week.

Love ya.

Questioning the Answers

So without further comment, ADJ's annual, year end meme:

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
That I'm willing to share here? Prior to 2008, I'd never retracted a work resignation; I've never sued someone before 2008 either.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I no longer make New Years' resolutions. See my previous post.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes.

5. What countries did you visit?
This year was 100% California.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Peace.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Geez, I don't even remember the specific date, but late Fall when I got the call about my grandmother.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Did I achieve anything this year? Being more gracious.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I didn't start writing my book.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing more than the usual and chronic ongoing yuckiness.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Nothing has given more consistent value and fun for its cost than Rock Band, but just because I lusted for one for so long, the PS3 goes here.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
I find a lot more joy in Rael's this year. Does that count?

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
John's.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Buying and repairing the Escort (ok, rent for the year was the most rent)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Not a lot, I've felt pretty dead inside this year. There were good shiney exciting feelings: Cammie's visit, Chris' return, kids' birthdays & holidays.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
I don't think I could pick just one, or three.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. Happier or sadder?
Sadder.
ii. Thinner or fatter?
'Bout the same really.
iii. richer or poorer?
'Bout the same.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Laughed.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Work.

20. How many one-night stands?
Zero.

21. What was your favourite TV program?
Pushing Daisies

22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Hate is an extreme emotion I reserve for three people, none of which were new to the list this year.

23. What was the best book you read?
Goodness, unlike last year, I really didn't do much reading this year. I've been re-reading the Iron Tower trilogy by Dennis McKiernan, which I do enjoy, and I've begun reading the Rachel Morgan and Mercy Thompson (these are the characters, not the authors) series, both of which I enjoyed. I continue to start and not finish Neil Gaiman's Fragile Things.

24. What was your greatest musical discovery?
She & Him, and The Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

25. What did you want and not get?
(Game show announcer voice) A Brand New Car! Respect in job.

26. What was your favourite film of this year?
Tropic Thunder, Once, Juno.

27. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
34 this year. Nothing special happened on my birthday this year. I was supposed to be at burger university but that got canceled, so I worked, and had to deal with a surprise corporate inspection on my birthday.

28. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
When not working, I dress for comfort, and occasional whimsy.

29. What kept you sane?
The kids, Saturday get-togethers.

30. Who did you miss?
More than anything/one, my grandmother.

31. Who was the best new person you met?
My gut answer to this doesn't count, because Cammie wasn't really new. And all the truly "new" people I've met have been fairly superficial, either "friends" on Facebook or new coworkers. Of them, I like Holly and Alex the most, respectively.

32. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
Sometimes it's really hard, but really right, to just shut the fuck up.

Unresolved

Those who have been reading here with me for a long enough time (or simply been running through the archives) will recall my aversion to making New Year's resolutions and that I instead choose a word for which I try to model my personal character and growth on in order to be a better me. Last year my word was grace. Personally, I feel as if last year's word was a resounding success for me in that the aeras of my life I felt could use more grace, have benefited form more grace; I do think the road to my goal on that one is still not done, though, and I'm going to keep working on that one. Probably will my whole life.

This year I'm going to keep grace going and choose a second word, a second concept. There are words I know I need to grow into more someday but am not ready to be that person yet (trust--I've lived my whole life being failed by people I trust, so I'm not quite ready to change my self concept on this one quite yet), and words that are attractive to me but ultimately too simple or simply not extensive enough (adventurous--I really can't think of much I could do that I'd want to do that would make me feel like a more adventurous person, so I'll just try to do some of these things without them being my word).

I've been talking about this alternate concept of resolutions at work and have gotten three folks to agree they should do it too, which is cool. I like to think that if the idea improves their lives I had a minuscule part in it. My friend Alex has said his word is "Evan," that his goal is to be more Evan. Knowing, more or less, precisely what he means by that, I can see it as a goal for him and approve.

But for me?

Sigh.

I reflect on the last couple years and feel as if I've lived through a lot of it fairly listlessly. There were pure wonderful moments, sure, but most of the time I just floated on. This last year has seen me growing a bit disconnected, to the point I really don't feel great fellowship with/towards my friends. I need to allow myself to feel more, to express emotion more, to just love life more. And so this year my word is, additional to grace, passion. Wish me luck?

So, what's your word going to be?

Stir of Echoes

No bad dreams last night. The secret? Only getting three hours sleep. I just need to keep that up.

So the store broke last night and I got to close shop two hours early. Aside from losing two hours pay, it was nice to be home early. Everything is fine there now, so back to work in a couple hours. . .

I'm in a decently good mood today. I think I really needed to vent out a little insecurity and frustration, and then experience the fun of a broken store because I feel rejuvenated.

Rael is this very moment trying to convince me there is a dinosaur in our back yard. . .

Yesterday Tassy posted a photo from one of our old club excursions from way back in 1995 and I look like a complete doofus. Seeing it made me smile too. I remember those times very fondly, even if I did look a bit of a tool. Miss hanging around both of those ladies. My first thought, of course, was "wow, I look thin!" followed by "what the hell is with that look on my face?" I think I was being overcome with The Rapture.

A Nightmare on Elm Street

I've had a couple odd dreams the past few days, trying to walk myself through self-analyzing them.

Dream One: I somehow convince the US Army to overlook the whole cancer survivor, not-having-two-lungs thing and enlist in the Army, entirely for the attention and so that everyone will shower me with the attention and love they shower on soldiers who are away from home. In the rush to emulate Chris I forget to make sure I get a job I want and will keep me safer, relatively, and end up a paratrooper and die.

Dream Two: (Not part of the dream, but back story--I had a managers meeting to attend this morning but skipped it because of the car being broken and Denise needing the other one so she could be at work). I go to the managers meeting anyway, and the kids and their sitter are attacked by a goon-for-hire with a shotgun, while I'm forced to stay and work a full shift; and though the kids are ultimately ok physically, are extremely traumatized when I return home.

Neither of these dreams were in any way pleasant to me. I feel like the first one speaks to my feelings about how useless my current job is, how it does nothing to better humanity on large or small scales and so, thusly, reflects on me as wholly unimportant; and my fears that if I tried to change things and be unimportant, the failure would be dramatic and catastrophic. I think the second one extends the job feelings and adds some monetary stress along with stress involved with our law suit over Lash's abuse by Bryan.

Today I'm missing my happy thoughts.

Party Boy

I've always disliked the taste of beer. It's bitter, and grainy and not really to my liking at all. And still, when beer is brought for the Saturday Rock Band get togethers, I will invariably have 1-3 in order to be gracious and thankful. Lately, even though I don't even have enough to get a mild buzz, I wake up the next day upset of stomach, head achy and a little grumpy. Last night I didn't even finish my second Sierra Nevada and this morning my head bugs me. A glass or two of wine does not leave me feeling this way. Nor does a white russian. Just beer. I think I need to start graciously turning down the beers, as I prefer being in a good mood the next day.

Speaking of Rock Band, I could do with more 80s and 90s rock and pop downloadable content. I'm getting a bit tired of all the numetal, classic rock and now country we've had on offer the last couple months. The Foo Fighters and No Doubt were nice, and the Siouxsie and the Banshees week was my favourite since starting to play the game in May; I can do with more of that. This week we got Christmas (and a Hannukah) songs. Nice to get holiday songs for the holiday, but they were released on the 23rd. . .so only two, three days of holiday time enjoyment. I think this would have been a bigger win for them had they given the players even another full week to enjoy the songs before we remove them from our harddrives until next year.

Anger Management

*Punch, kick, scream, bite, kick, slap, yell, scream, stomp, kick*

Sigh.

A Christmas Story

The kids all had a very enjoyable, highly materialistic holiday. My highlight in this: Rael going "I want to open another dinosaur" before opening each of his presents (and he was almost always right--the boy had an explosion of dinosaurs under the tree. . .which is all he wanted). This year I got to learn what it feels like from the parental side of things when a kid doesn't get what they wanted and is vocal about it (I got the wrong color item from one of them and heard all about it).

With my grandmother gone, I have absolutely no family who care to share contact on the holidays any more and so it's been leaving me a little more depressed this year for the holiday. Denise's family sent their yearly contact: an impersonal card and small check, continuing the trend of no connection to her family either. Seriously, it's next to impossible to feel very happy during the holidays anymore. Except for when it comes to the kids, and that really is a big joy in itself. It just doesn't fill every hole for me.

The work X-Mas party was pleasant, though there was some melodrama when one person participated in the "secret Santa" festivities by receiving a present without giving one. . .which caused a flurry of mini scenes. Meh. My secret Santa got me Mama Mia, which was a big yay for me--as a lover of musicals and ABBA, I've really been wanting to get to this one.

Watched a couple movies:
The aforementioned Mama Mia. I enjoyed it, but it didn't feel as much a musical as other musicals do. It's hard to describe, but I felt there was not enough actor-voices involved with actually singing their song numbers. Like I could often hear real ABBA harmonized in the back ground with the actors' voices.

Cashback. It's a little quirky, British comedy about a guy who works in a supermarket and his coworkers. . .about what I expected Clerks to be like before I actually saw Clerks for the first time (in other words, not over-the-top with vulgarity, but lightly funny). Worth renting.

The House Bunny. In all seriousness, I think Anna Faris (sp?) is an under-appreciated comedic genius, possibly pigeonholed as "dumb funny" over her involvement with the spoof comedy series of Scary Movies. She is not Leslie Nielson, folks, and it's sad because Smiley Face was probably one of my favourite comedies all year and it had zip for theatrical release (Ian and ADJ especially, I expect you'll enjoy Smiley Face). Anyway, this wasn't as funny, but still very enjoyable and gave me a few laugh out loud moments. Another one (two) worth the rental.

Scrooged

How sad is the Christmas episode of Brave and the Bold with Red Tornado trying to understand the spirit of Christmas? Thank goodness it got detoured into typical comic violence fairly quickly to numb us from the pain.

Christmas Eve and Lash and Aeia are busily making chocolate crinkle cookies. . .or a facsimile thereof. No judgment to be levied until the cookies are completed. All the shopping's been completed and Denise is working 'til 2 something. Personally, I'm ready for Christmas to be over now. I look forward to watching the kids joyfully (hopefully) opening their presents, but otherwise I'm pretty much over it at this point: too stressful, demanding, obligatory. . .

I need a quick infusion of the holiday spirit again; my batteries are drained.

I wish all of you a happy set of holidays (if you celebrate) and a year full of hope, health and happiness.

Superman

The first week of Operation Optimism is over and all told, save for a couple small stumbles, it went very well. By the weekly Saturday Rock Band get together, I was ready and able to fully and thoroughly enjoy myself. This coming week will be a greater test, I think, as there are the stresses involved with the holidays, this being my first major holiday without a call to my grandma, my work schedule absolutely sucking major ass this week and one of our cars is currently broken (if I ever come to be able to afford a new car, instead of another in an eternal string of used ones destined to doom, I think this would make me sublimely pleased). But I will find a way to keep my chin up. Count on that.

Friday evening the Taylors were kind enough to take all our kids for 3-4 hours so Denise and I could have some alone time for the first time in years. We went out for ice cream; it was nice.

The kids are all very excited for Christmas; Rael expresses this the most loudly and frequently. They make the holiday fun again. Rael's also been doing a lot of comparing peoples' muscles and declaring I'm the strongest in our family. It's cute and that "Daddy is Superman" phase for kids is clearly my favourite.

Super Size Me

"The scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat."

That's the ad text I was greeted with this morning in the paper for, get this, Burger King's new men's body spray ca''ed "Flame."

Oh my frakking god. Who thinks this shit up, really? Is there really a market out there of men crying for burger scented body spray, really? Would someone get me one so I can smell like work on my day off (Not that I don't already--sigh)? Can you picture the brain-storming session on this one: what do men really want in life that they don't have already? To smell like fucking Whoppers.

Will it be available in gift sets with Trans-Fat Hair Gel, Croissanwwich Hand Moisturizing Cream, Fry Vat Bath Oil and Special Sauce Shampoo?

Is this what teen spirit really smelled like?

I just vomited a little in my mouth.

Time Machine

Ever have one of those days where everything is generally going fine, but it just seems like it all takes forever? That's been my day. Worked an excruciatingly forever-feeling mid-day shift today, that really had no highlight or memorable moment other than it seemed like I was there forever.

I swear it took me an hour to print out two mailing labels and wrap two books I need to send for PaperbackSwap.com. I just started using them and if it's a way for me to loose books I can't seem to sell on eBay AND get books I want in return--super groovy.

Ah well, time is time and goes forward however it does, despite my whims.

Things that should have me down today, but don't for the moment: money, the Volvo acting up more than typical, intimidation & harassment, a certain spouse making plans with other people when we have the day off instead of maybe spending a little time with me when we don't actually have time together the rest of the week. . .

Learned some bad news about a friend of mine today, and she's in my thoughts.

The Ice Storm

It's that time of year where we get frost settling on everything during the wee hours of the night. I both love and loathe it. I mean, I am in California, where it's sunny 360 days a year and all I have to do with myself is surf all day and be blonde and tanned. So this frost thing, it's like a novelty (and snow? Don't know it.); I enjoy skidding around on it walking through my parking lot. The loathing comes in when it also means I have to take extra precautions driving to stay safe, scrape ice off windshields, battle the feeling of being cold, etc. Ah, the trials and tribulations of it all.

I actually really dig the cold.

Day three of Operation Optimism and things go well. The usual douche bags that would get my ire at work haven't been (I mean, they do get my ire, but only in the moment, no longer lingering) and other work situations that would have me loathing the rest of my day just don't.

I was able to squeeze a little blood from the financial stone and throw a few presents Denise's way as well. This pleases me. Other things, some of which I'd been stressing over, have left me feeling more positive the past couple days: legal stuff, the phone battle of 2008, etc.

I dropped by the comic store yesterday and picked up my two-month backlog of comics: all six issues. It pleases me that I've been able to hold to my conviction to stop reading crappy books for more than a year now. No more holding on to X-Men for a decade just so I can say I have all the issues. Three comics a month (one of them entirely for the kids too) and the occasional TPB is all that gets my money. Which today made me realize I'd discovered why I'd been able to swing a bit more money towards other forms of entertainment (movies, video games, etc.) this year. And I have zero regrets for it.

Anyhow, time to cut this short; Denise is home and we need to sort presents for wrapping and start setting up the house for decorating.

The Spirit

I chose napping over blogging yesterday, sorry. The nap was good though.

Just over a week left 'til Christmas. . .still need to do a small amount of scrambling for a gift or two for the kids, and figure out a way to squeeze some monetary blood from stones to get Denise something too. I'm not letting the holiday stress me out, however. In fact, I'm conducting a power-of-positive-thinking optimism experiment on myself this week: wish me well. That is an order.

It's Christmastime and optimism is a little bit harder this year. Who wants Christmas cards?

The Dark Knight

Oh, I finally watched Dark Knight yesterday. I was a person who enjoyed Heath Ledger as much as he needed enjoying; he was capable, competent and a lot more entertaining that some other actors who get a lot of work themselves (ADJ knows exactly who Mr and Mrs Wooden Person are that I am referring to, and though continent separates us we'll be actively not watching their latest outing together). But seriously, everyone that salivated so hard over this, has enough time passed where you can now re-watch the movie with more of an objective mind? Because I'm going to begin my review by pissing a lot of you off: I think Ledger played a fairly passable Jack Nicholson. Yep. Many of my peers felt the Two-Face stuff was too unnecessary; myself, I found that with the plot they'd crafted, everything they'd done with him actually made sense and was necessary--he's my least gripe, if at all. We'll skip the voice acting badness (Batman growls, grr! Alfred speaks Cockney like an over-aged Oliver) and move on to my very biggest problem: the plot. For a guy whose only goal was to make the world see and live the reality of chaos, the Joker sure was written to be a highly structured planner and servant of order. Every one of his moves were calculated and plotted many steps ahead, counter to his entire message. It made me want to reach through the screen and slap him and Christopher Nolan. It really begged a line from someone (Freeman? Caine?) pointing this massive plot inconsistency as a point of irony against the Joker's character to save the wntire conceit, but that would be expecting too much.

Meet Joe Black

A couple of memes via Aimee:


#1.

Put an "X" in the bubble for the ones you've done.

() Gone on a blind date
(X) Skipped school
(X) Watched someone die
(X) Had your heart broken
() Been to Canada
() Been to Europe
() Been to Mexico
() Been to Florida
(X) Been on a plane
(X) Been on a cruise
(X) Been lost
() Been on the opposite side of the country
() Gone to Washington, DC
(X) Swam in the Pacific Ocean
() Swam in the Atlantic Ocean
() Swam in the Gulf of Mexico
() Seen Mt. Ranier (Washington state)
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
(X) Played cops and robber or cowboys and Indians
(X) Recently colored with crayons
(X) Sang Karaoke
(X) Paid for a meal with coins only?
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(X) Made prank phone calls
(X) Laughed until your face hurt
(X) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose -
() Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X) Danced your heart out
(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(X) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(X) Watched the sunrise with someone
(X) Blown bubbles
() Gone ice-skating
(X) Been skinny dipping outdoors
(X) Gone to the movies
(X) Sat outside in the rain
(X) Lived one of your dreams

#2.

1. Any nickname? Ev

2. Mother's name? Karen

3. Favorite drink? Dr. Pepper, Vanilla Chai Tea

4. Any tattoos? Yes, a few

5. Body Piercings? Yes

6. What animal would you be if you could choose one? I like being human too much that I can't even come up with an honest answer to this. Being able to fly or breathe under water would be nice.

7. Birthplace? California

8. Favorite vacation spot? Pismo Beach, CA

9. Ever been to Africa ? Nope

10. Ever eaten just cookies for dinner? Not that I can recall.

11. Ever been on TV? Yeah

12. Ever steal any traffic signs? No

13. Ever been in a car accident? Yes

14. Drive a 2-door or 4-door vehicle? Both

15. Favorite brand of body wash? I'm happy with bar soap

16. Favorite TV show? Scrubs, Pushing Daisies

17. Favorite number? 3

18. Favorite movie? Wow. . .this week it's Once again, next week? . . .

19. Favorite holiday? Samhain

20. Favorite dessert? I'm rediscovering a love of pie.

21. Is mysteriously missing...

22. Favorite day of the week? Sunday (Favorite night of the week? Saturday).

23. Name something/someone you love? Rael

24. Favorite toothpaste? I like the Tom's Natural cinnamon stuff

25. Favorite smell? Sea air.

26. How do you relax? Song

27. How do you see yourself in 10 years? Who knows, I certainly don't

28. When was the last time you belly laughed? Never. . . ?

Everyday People

Yesterday I posted that Pushing Daisies would end without an allowance for an ending that somewhat actually wraps the show. Today Jason has posted new news somewhat updating that post from "no wrap-up" to "somewhat hurried and sucky wrap-up." I want a wrap-up, but choosing between sucky and none isn't fun. I almost wish this week's episode had been the end. Not tidy, but closure and new possibilities both occur, which could have provided us with a Very Veronica Mars Ending.

Tribal council for Survivor last night entertained me muchly. Similar to my Amazing Race post, my first round pick is still hanging in there, but will she make it to the end and win? Nah.

A lot of my silence this year has just been a mounting sense of gloom, that grew more than not with many passing days (that's right, I go with the abrupt subject change now instead of working in a transition; we'll blame it on post modernism) and my desire to not write myself as an overly whiney whinerson. In all that, I've had a lot of friends put themselves out there/here for me. Some of them ended up being more talk than not, but I don't hate them for it, I get that "If there's anything you need" and "I'm here for you" are actually canned responses we give when we're expected. So shrug. Some of them/you, though, really were there for me, so thanks. I love you guys for it.

Am I the only person who think it would actually be better for the motor industry if the government doesn't directly bail them out? Rather, the money could be set aside to redeem vouchers given to lower and middle class Americans to purchase brand new cars only from the motor companies in trouble: it would help the motor companies, stimulate the economy and help to replace old, less ecofriendly cars with newer enviro-friendly(er) vehicles. This thought was the adaptation of my recent "instead of bailing out the rich again, why not use that money to forgive every student loan and free those kids up to spend their money on the economy instead of on bills." I love imagining I'm not so naive that I can just fix the economy if I were given the power.

Videodrome

Time for a little bit of lighter-heartedness, and a post on what I've been watching and what I've been thinking of it.

Starting with canceled tv, we had the series finale of Boston Legal this past Tuesday. This was always such a pleasure to watch--the best of all David E. Kelley's shows. It was full of wit, entertaining plots, sly references to itself as a tv show (it often would off-handedly find ways to break the 4th wall without breaking the 4th wall outright). There is no other (or was now) show on network tv that showcases a large cast of over-50-somethings, main characters with "imperfections" like autism, alzheimer's, overt social commentary, often on both sides of the fence. And the series ends with a same sex marriage of two main characters. It's also a minor amusement to note that Shatner has been on more episodes of this program than TJ Hooker or Star Trek, but of course he will ever remain Captain Kirk. Which is a little sad as I think his portrayal of Denny Crane is perhaps the best work he's done ever. Now that the series is over, I'd urge anyone to go out and rent a couple seasons, immerse and enjoy (start with season 2, after Shatner's arrival and the departure of the last cast members from The Practice).

This week's Pushing Daisies was pure gold, and bums me out more that not only is the series being canceled, but that it won't be able to produce a finale that is even able to try wrapping the series up in any way whatsoever. Not to detract from her previous musical numbers (her "Birdhouse in Your Soul" was great), but Kristen Chenowith's musical number for the Bangles' "Eternal Flame" had to have been the best performed, and the best integrated into story, musical number of all thus far. I'm gonna miss that break-into-song-ever-pining-after-Pie-Maker-Ned-former-jockey-now-waitress more than ever. This episode also had a cameo by a character from Brian Fuller's previous canceled gem, Wonderfalls, which was also pure gold. Sigh.

Nothing else is all that compelling. The team I wanted to see win from the first episode of this Amazing Race did in fact win (not since Survivor season 1 have I rooted for the winner from the get-go, my picks usually make it far and then get ousted), congrats to the winners there, but really even more praiseworthy, who would have ever predicted the fratboys Dandrew to make it as far as they did at all. That was, pun intended, an amazing feat. The other shows I watch, for the most part, are habits or train wrecks I can't pull myself away from.

On the movie front, while I love horror movies, there's a special place in my horror fandom section of my heart for animals as monsters movies because animals are so much more real than zombies and werewolves (seriously, who's still afraid of sharks thanks to Jaws vs. who's afraid to go camping because a hockey mask wearing maniac might get them? Anyone depriving themselves of sleep over Freddy these days?). This week I saw the Wes Craven produced film The Breed and it was definitely not a wonderfully scripted movie at all. But really, at the root of it all, those visuals of dogs chasing people, attacking and tearing apart people. . .those will resonate far longer than the latest cardboard cut-out monster. It's just 80-some minutes of your life AND if you have XBox Live set up with your Netflix, you can just watch it for free via your XBox (which is what I did). It makes for a nice descendant of Cujo.

Parenthood

Apparently this blog post from another blogger is already fairly viral, but I've only heard of it & read it for the first time today, and feel compelled to share it, as it's well written and speaks to issues I've cared about as well, human rights issues I think we all should care about.

An excerpt (linked):

If you have ever used words like “sacred institution” or “redefine marriage” or “threat to family values” without irony or—worse yet—harbored thoughts or cast votes against marriage equality, you are not my friend. You are not welcome in my life. I honestly see you as intellectually compromised. And I don’t care what you think your god tells you to believe. Your mythology does not trump my reality."

Thanks for allowing me the indulgence.

rec

Got some news today that has me more than a good deal angered, but I can't really say anything here. So, in lieu of silent fuming, a boring meme:

1. Name a movie that you have seen more than 10 times:
Only one movie? The Empire Strikes Back

2. Name a movie that you've seen multiple times in a theatre:
Only one? Ok again. There are actually only 3-4 movies I've seen more than once in the theatre. Shaun of the Dead

3. Name an actor that would make you more inclined to see a movie:
Ewan MacGregor

4. Name an actor that would make you less likely to see a movie:
Keanu Reeves

5. Name a movie that you can quote from:
Big Lebowski

6. Name a movie musical that you know all the lyrics to all the songs:
Across the Universe

7. Name a movie that you have been known to sing along with:
Moulin Rouge.


8. Name a movie that you would recommend everyone see:
My Life Without Me or Once; I can't pick just one here.

9. Name a movie that you own:
My very most recent purchase is 300

10. Name an actor that launched his/her entertainment career in another medium but who has surprised you with his/her acting chops:
Mark Whalberg (Say hi to your mother for me)


11. Have you ever seen a movie in a drive-in?
Yup.

12. Ever made out in a movie?
Yup.

13. Name a movie that you keep meaning to see but just haven't gotten around to it:
Schindler's List

14. Ever walked out of a movie?
Yes.

15. Name a movie that made you cry in the theatre:
Hook lol.

16. Popcorn?
Most of the time.

17. How often do you go to the movies?
Every couple months I'll have jags of going 2-3 times, then I wont go for months.

18. What's the last movie you saw in the theater?
Um. . .I think Iron Man.

19. What is your favorite/preferred genre of movie?
I honestly don't think I have one, but I have a special place in my heart for musicals, horror and drama.

20. What was the first movie you remember seeing in the theater?
The original Star Wars

Any Given Sunday

Yeah, I neglected posting yesterday. As it stands, as an amendment to my previous declaration of needing to do daily posts. My Sundays are usually a pretty big drain on my creative muscles as it is, so I think Sunday will be the day I skip blogging the most often. Every other day though, hold me to it folks.

So, wishing a very Happy Birthday to Aimee's little man, Cameron!

Nerdgaming went fairly well this week. I actually succeeded in writing out more plans than were necessary, leaving me pre-prepared for the next session, as they (in a good way) dawdled their way through part one of the two parts I had planned out. And an npc cameo by my old Elmer Fudd voiced gnomish wizard added to the enjoyment as I set the group out on the first stages of their next, and likely last, adventure.

I'm having a bit of difficulty fully waking up today. I'm wondering if my old fatigue problems are returning. I also need to get my annual oncology appointment scheduled. I'm already a little over a month late doing it. It still blows my mind a little that my surgery was only three and a half years ago. What blows my mind more? In fewer years than that, my Lash will be a teenager. I am getting old.

Dungeons and Dragons

I've been very lazy with my gaming group this past year, "winging" almost every game session with minimal notes, if any (not that I'm not an expert at winging it; they've enjoyed a fully emotionally and intellectually engaging campaign thus far). Now, though, that they enter penultimate act (most likely anyway) of this campaign, I find it's necessary that I not wing it. It's time for a great amount of structure, which is often both my least and most enjoyable aspects of campaign-making, adventure planning, world-building. Face it, when you've as much practice and success at winging it, it's sometimes more daunting to go back to not winging it (that ADJ's gaming group has a gigantic player-made bible to follow for their home campaign leaves me in awe. Of course, I also lack the long-term full-on commitment to fellowship and gameplay as a group that she has, which I'm sure must help. Too many of my group seem to "show up" to games only when the fancy meets them, or when there isn't a football game, or whatever. They're my friends, beloved all, but it can still be really fucking frustrating to craft a campaign that includes plans for all, only to have a key player decide they'd rather spend the second, third and fifth months lerning to knit. This is actually my primary reason for winging it as much as I do: not enough commitment.).

I find myself now, the group mostly consistent and committed, if ultimately small in numbers, sending them on the brink of a stage in the campaign I did plan as possible, but never really expected to find them moving to do: an act of planar exploration and attempted deicide that, regardless of the outcome, will vastly effect the tenor of my game for the remainder of the campaign, and for all of those that follow.

So I find myself today with a rare Saturday off, a wall of books surrounding me, and a need to plan. . .

Let the nerdcore rise up. . .

Home Alone

Just got home from work, maybe a half hour ago, and no one's here. Denise and the kids are at the Taylors' apparently doing some baking and likely playing a card game or whatnot. I hope they're enjoying visiting. . .however, for me, I hate coming to an empty home. I like having family to relax here with. Sure, I could just as easily head on over there now that I've showered and changed, but that's not the same. Some nights that'd be perfectly up my alley, but some nights I'd really rather not have to go anywhere else to relax with Denise and the kids after a tiring day at work. Whine, whine, whine. . .and other bits.

Right now I'm still finding it difficult to force myself to write something daily. My mind just hasn't been made to keep with the discipline for so long. While some of these posts feel superfluous and arbitrary to me, I have to remind myself that it's exercise to get me back into the swing of constant writing again. Mental weightlifting.

So, I'm trying to figure out how to set my digital camera up as a device to use for Google video chat and am currently sucking ass at that as well. I am technotarded. Any pointers?

I Spit On Your Grave

So today a younger homeless couple came in to work, barely able to stand on their own two feet, ordered some food, ate 3/4 or so of said food before returning to complain the food was wrong and wanted it remade, then ate 3/4 of the remade food before returning it, saying it made them sick and they wanted their recourse, which I gave them in the form of the phone number to our local office. This earned me exactly one Getting Spit At.

How was your day?

I just finished watching last week's Pushing Daisies. I'm really looking forward to yesterday's episode, which crosses over with the other wonderful & canceled show Wonderfalls, so this post shall be all about brevity in order to allow me that luxury.

Peace be with you.

The Dead Zone

Coming off of what feels like working 24 hours straight. . .yesterday I worked form 4pm til about 1am at my store and was then on loan to the Wally World store from 7am til 3:30pm today. So it feels like I've lived the last day on Burger Planet. I feel very tired right now and a tiny bit loopy, having less than 5 hours sleep and no mid-day napping opportunities. :)

I was surprised business wasn't swamped today. I guess the holiday shopping wasn't such a big fuss today, enough to impact me anyway, for which I am thankful for.

Netflix recently decided they were no longer going to offer previously viewed DVDs for sale and had a clearance sale to announce this. I treated myself to two of my favorite films from the past year: Juno and Once. If you haven't seen either of these films yet, you really ought to. If for no other reason than because I said so.

This post is about to degenerate into ramblings for ramblings sake, so, love to all, adieu!

Higher Learning

In response to my last post, Travis asked:

Why don't you teach anymore? Maybe that could be a blog post or maybe there is one already that you can point me too. Knowing you and what you know and where your passions lie, I've often wondered why you don't teach.

The answer is relatively mundane. When I taught before it was as a graduate student. In order to maintain that job, I also had to maintain a minimum number of semester units myself. It eventually became pointless for me to continue paying for tuition when the few classes I remained needing for my degree kept getting canceled or not offered at all. With student loan debt increasing each year and my last class on eternal limbo, I couldn't rationalize continuing to go right now. My teaching job was contingent on my also being enrolled as a graduate student, and so no more teaching job.

As for traditional teaching, I need my Master's Degree completed (fastest way now) or a Teaching Credential (slowest way now), both requiring I return to school, which isn't fiscally possible right now.

The Day After Tomorrow

I'm going to try and force myself back into a writing routine. It starts with, no matter how mundane or simple, a commitment to write something new here every day. Some days it'll be a meme, some days a rant against the man or work or etc., some days posts of great meaning or esoterica, etc. but something. I can't let displeasure with my current lot in life continue to cripple my writing output, and so the rebound starts here. My request to you, faithful readers and friends: if a full day passes without me posting something new, post a comment to my most recent post demanding I get off my ass and post again.

* * *

Saturday was my grandmother's memorial service. I drove up with my sister Autumn and brought Lash & Aeia along. It was really good to share the trip with Autumn and felt like we connected well and was thankful we got to catch up as much as we did.

I had a lot of trepidation about this trip initially. Everyone in my family has a tendency towards melodrama, grudge keeping, making the occasional scene, and I had my fears this would be the case then as well and am thankful that it just wasn't the case this time, that my grandmother's memorial was filled with the respect and love she deserved. One of my aunts did say to me exactly what I'd been thinking for a couple weeks: "All she ever wanted was to bring everyone together again, and she finally did, and it's sad because it won't happen again except for another situation like this." Which is sadly true. We just aren't the best definition of function.

Many of my family members present, especially the successful ones, hadn't been seen since back when I still worked as an English teacher, and every conversation I had where I had to tell one of them that no, I was no longer teaching and that now I worked in the restaurant service industry (and not as a "real" chef or owner of an eatery) left me feeling lower, pitied. It has me bummed out, but at least I'm working, providing as best I can for my family, my children--that's the thought I have to stay focused with.

Home For the Holidays

Randomly mentionable ephemera:

I need to get one last ingredient today for my award-worthy cranberry sauce and the expectation of it waiting for me come Thursday. And though I have to work Thursday morning, I'm not too bothered over it; it means I get to escape the stress of all the other cooking and entertaining until then.

TV is more and more boring, poorly written, not riveting. . .this season. And then there are gems like Pushing Daisies. Canceled gems. I swear the TV Gods have it in for me: "Hey, check it out, Evan just fell in love with this quirky/entertaining/original show. . .let's make sure no one watches it so it'll tank!" a la Veronica Mars, Wonderfalls, Firefly, Angel. . .I've decided I need to convince the TV Voodoo that I really LOVE everything on the CW, House and the Law & Order franchise, while I really hate the shows I really love. . .

My grandma's memorial is Saturday. I have trepidation.

Blatantly changing painful subjects. . .Black Friday is nearly upon us and I haven't amassed enough crazy wealth yet. That said, if you are someone I would typically be sure to include in holiday gift-giving, I'm likely to just send you a well-wishing note this year in order to focus all my energy on the kidlets. Much love to all.

This has been a very enjoyable quarter for me when it comes to video games. For the first time ever, I have too many new games bought or borrowed that rock and demand my time, and not enough time to play them all equally. For those of you who've been wondering, and don't need full-fledged reviews to convince you (other than my golden word), Little Big Planet, Rock Band 2, Fallout 3 and Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe are all worth their price tags. I am a little annoyed that XBox Live is turning into a clone of the Wii, but am happy to be able to Netflix via my XBox--I might even use that feature now.

Kids are all healthy and happy and enjoying their Thanksgiving breaks. Denise has recently been diagnosed with an amazing number of allergies, and I'm leery of how this will effect the home life for all of us, even if I do want her to have more comfort.

Wow, it's 2 am. . .I should go to bed. 'Night!

50 First Dates

Happy anniversary, Travis & Shel!
It being the "wood" anniversary. . .

Everyday People

Not much of anything going on this past week. Work, chauffeur kids to school, work, play a little Rock Band, work, not get enough sleep. . .repeat daily.

Is it me, or is TV really crappy right now, too?

I got a call from one of my cousins the other day. She's had bronchitis for months that won't go away, and a recent shadow on a chest x-ray. I'm starting to worry my family has a genetic predisposition to turn second-hand smoke exposure into cancer and think I'll be making it a priority for my kids to be checked every few years. And while I'm on this train of thought, it's time for my yearly cancer check-up, so I need to get that scheduled too. I hate getting the contrast CT done, the radiation always makes me sick.

I've been dying for some physical comfort since my grandma passed. A little human security blanket. Denise and I have been working so much, and always opposite shifts, that I almost never even see her anymore.

Freaky Friday

New Halloween pics on facebook.

The kids had a great Halloween. As you'll see, Aeia was a witch, Lash was Boba Fett, Rael was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and Tasmia was a jack o'lantern. We, as usual, did our trick-or-treating together with the Taylors and were out for about two hours. The first hour Rael would come running up to me after every house (he was led to and from every house byLash) to let me know he wanted "more house dad!" During the second hour he started getting tired and demanded I carry his candy bag and Chrissy carry him to each house. He also made sure she knew he wanted to go home with her and "protect her from getting hurt." He was very sweet. As the weather was constntly on the verge of torrential downpours, Tasmia and Denise stayed home.

That day I also had the annual parent-teacher conference for Aeia. She's doing exceptionally well, enough that her teacher suggested we might have her tested as a gifted child. She also shared a writing activity the students had done about their lives that week. Aeia had written about her visit to my grandmother's this summer and how much she loved that time with her. This choked me up a little.

I kept Rael home from "school" that day due to an incident at his HeadStart preschool the day before (the other kids were given the day off by their schools) that left me and Denise needing to discuss whether we could continue trusting his school to supervise him and keep him safe. Rael had decided he wanted to see his brother, so he left his preschool and walked to Lash's school (they're on the same block) looking for Lash, without his preschool (6 adults to watch 18 kids. . .) realizing he'd left. The good staff at Lash's school took him in, protected him and got him returned to where he belonged, while Rael's teachers floundered about. Today I received notification that Rael's school has been cited for this incident and could lose their liscence if any other incidents occur. I can't say that I disagree with this. Of all my kids at that age, Rael is definitely the biggest handful, but taking care of and supervising kids, even energetic ones like Rael, is part of their training and job requirement

As for the rest of life: work sucks. My PS3 had a system update that caused my 3rd party controller to stop working with Little Big Planet so now I need a new controller. I don't feel myself conneting well with others right now and I feel pretty alone. Oh, and it's my turn again to do the part time shifts at the Wal-Mart store, which always completely sucks ass, but at least I don't have to do it on December for the holiday rush.

Patriot Games

My fellow Americans,

In case you've been hiding under a rock, today is election day. Go out and vote, if you haven't already. Vote for more of the same,vote for a blank promise of change, vote for a 3rd party exercise in futility. . .but vote. Some 48% of our eligible voters don't turn out and vote. That isn't sad, it's ridiculous.

Go vote.

The Omen

According to the stats on my log-in, this is my 666th post to this blog. Read into it what you will; not being a Christian I just think it's funny:

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday, dear Tasmia,
Happy birthday to you!

(and a happy birthday to comic creator and friend Batton Lash today as well!)

Legal Eagles

Spent six or so hours today being deposed for our lawsuit against various agencies, then had a stressful shift at work. We'll just say today's been a little frustrating and move on to bigger and better days.

Ferris Bueler's Day Off

My employers were generous enough to give me a day off to mourn. . .

I've spent it fairly numbly surfing the internet, without goal or real interest. I want to thank everyone who has expressed concern, love and/or condolences. I don't really feel any less pain, but it does make my heart grow two sizes knowing that I have people who care. Even so, right now I just feel very, very alone.

I'm not really sure how to reconcile the privacy of the pain and the experience with a life lived in parts publicly via blogging. Should I have not mentioned a thing, mourned alone and resumed posting as normal when I could? Surely it would keep from becoming a spectacle, but somehow it wouldn't feel honest to me. And waiting until I was better to mention her passing off-handedly would just be wrong. Regardless, I intend for this to be the final posting where I dwell a great deal this.

It's easier to "talk" to a computer than it is to a person. Every time I talk to a person about her passing, the tears come running again.

Last week my grandmother had surgery to correct some circulation problems. She's had the surgery before, and worry was relatively low. She called me when she came home on Friday to let me know the surgery went well, to ask if the kids got the camera she'd sent them, and to make sure to tell us she loved us. I'll always be thankful that our last words to each other were expressions of love. She passed away in her sleep on Sunday morning. We don't yet know the cause.

I received the news while our home was filled with guests over for our weekly gaming session (I was in another room for the call). Trying to find a way, the strength, whatever to tell people that you need them to go without telling them why (because the rest of the family shouldn't have learned that way) is a nightmare I would never wish on anyone. I eventually was able to rope Lash in to getting Denise so I could tell her to cancel our session and have everyone leave, after which I told her.

It took some time to gain enough composure to tell Lash and Aeia. They took it hard, but are faring better today. We spent a couple hours just holding each other, me sharing happy memories I had of her with them, they sharing their own happy memories of her with me. Then I went to sleep for a couple hours. . .and Aeia stayed with and watched over me while I slept.

My first news on waking was that my grandmother, as per her wishes, was not going to have a service (there will be a memorial in December). This brought on another bout of crushing despair. I don't feel as if I'll be able to say my good byes without one.

I ate something. Posted my previous post and concurrent Facebook status and commenced to numbly watching television.

Today, all I've wanted to do is sleep, but Denise still had to work and the kids needed me up, aware, capable and caring, which I have been. Tomorrow is also going to be very stressful for unrelated reasons.

Denise has been here for me, supporting me as much as I've asked, a little more than I've asked, actually, as I have trouble ever asking for much.

I have so many good memories to celebrate. And as soon as the hurting lessens, I'll get right on that.

Thanks again.

Sudden Impact

In my life, the relative to whom I've always been closest in my heart (after Denise and the children), is my grandmother. She passed away today. I'm not ok.

Friday

Before the more painful events of Wednesday night, I took the kids to Toys R'Us to pick out Halloween costumes and look into getting a second controller for my PS3. Halloween costuming was easy enough: Lash is going to be Boba Fett, Aeia is going to be a witch again, Rael is going to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and Tasmia is likely to be a jack-o-lantern. Anyway, you'll see pictures after the day comes and goes, so more on this then.

In the PS3 aisle I spied that they had Little Big Planet (which, if you didn't already know, is THE primary game I've been looking forward to for the PS3 for a good six or more months now), having forgotten that it was supposed to have been released the day previous. With a bit of heroclix sales money still burning my frivolous meter, I scooped it up and we finished our shopping. At the teller, the scanner refused to sell me the game; manually entering the upc code refused to sell me the game. A manager was retrieved, the release date was verified and then the manager repeated the same check-out attempts that refused me before. And was refused again. The manager was kind enough to apologize, knock ten bucks off for the hassle and entered in a charge for a generic item so that I could take my game and they could figure out their problem. I leave the game unopened and wait 'til my day off to open and explore it.

The game, a puzzle platformer, extremely cutesy, is super fun and addictive on its own merits as just a puzzle platformer. However, the even bigger draw, and one that I think could change the face of video game programming, is the ability to also build entire new levels of your own from scratch, play them and post them online for everyone else to play them. It's a fantastic little toy (and now I need to get the Playstation Eye so I can even more greatly utilize this aspect of the game) and I totally dig it.

Unfortunately, whenever I tried to connect to the online aspects, I got an error message. I checked, everything else was connecting ok, even other games on the PS3, the PS3 store, etc, just not Little Big Planet, so I went online and researched whether there was a bug or an update I needed, only to discover that the game's online servers weren't up for anyone at the moment, and wouldn't be up before the game was released. That isn't a typo. It turns out that the original print run of the game was recalled by Sony because one level's music track contained a song that had lyrics that included a line or two from the Quran and they were afraid of offending Muslims (let's not dwell on how further research has found some bigger Muslim groups have come out to say they aren't that bothered by it and that there are more important offenses for them to worry about in the world than a child's video game that has two lyrics from a passage in their holy book) and that a new cut of the game would be released with the music track from that level changed. Depending on where you live, you could get the new cut of the game as early as this coming Monday, or sometime around November 7th.

So I've been enjoying a new game that wasn't supposed to be released to me yet, with a $10 discount. I'm ok with it, and I'm not offended by the music in the first level of world three in the slightest.

Max Payne

Wednesday night (or technically Thursday morning, around 1 a.m., shortly after Denise came home from work) was a painful night for me. It was very late; Denise and I had just gotten Rael into the shower with Denise upon discovering he'd soiled himself in his sleep and I went to descend the stairs and retrieve the sleeping Tasmia for bed.

Around the third step from the top, I missed the step completely and ended up falling down the entire flight of stairs. This was not a fun experience.

All told, I tore one of my toes up, all bloodied and gross, the toenail bent off. Another of my toes hurts a great deal. My entire right foot, right wrist and forearm have bad rug burn (our stairway is carpeted) and I sustained a nasty welt above my left elbow. I also hink I might have been very mildly concussed.

The next day at work, my boss was kind enough to assign me to back drive-thru for the majority of my shift, where moving around would be very minimal. A lot of standing though, which is when I came to discover I'd hurt my side and sored up my back as well.

I did a lot of resting Thursday evening, and had Friday off for more rest, which was nice. As of today, I still have a lot of pain in one toe, and the burn on the same foot is still very tender to the touch, but otherwise I think I'm ok.

Book of Kings

Some of you longer-term readers may remember my previous disgruntlements over the laziness of our postman when it comes to the recycling bin being too close to our mailbox and refusal to deliver our mail when this occurs. This extends to many other things too, and since I live in an apartment complex predominantly populated by college kids, it seems at least once a week I'm moving some sort of misplaced trash from behind our mailbox and into our dumpster so that we can continue getting our mail. . .so last night when I get home from work around one in the morning, I see two sizable piles of refuse behind our mailbox and let out an unhappy groan. I'm already dirty and grungy from work so I may as well deal with it promptly than to let it sit.

When I get over to the garbage I have to stop myself a moment. My initial reaction is "Holy shit, Denise has kicked me out of the house without telling me! What did I do this time?" Why, you might ask? Because I find myself staring at two sizable piles of books, almost all hardcovers and, from what I can see, almost entirely Stephen King (which anyone to visit my home would be able to say is a fair assessment of my own library--a lot lot lot of Stephen King hardcovers). Upon closer inspection I stop having my mini paranoid experience, as there are also books I've never seen, as well as books that are very much not the editions I own.

All told there's probably about fifty books, three-quarters of which are hardcover editions of SK novels and all seemed to still be in good condition (some old, some a bit scuffed, but no weather damage from being next to our garbage for somewhere between one and eight hours) and there was just no way I could ever bring myself to throw away all those books. So now I have two giant boxes full of books that I need to sort through, decide if any are to be kept and what to do with the rest.

Why somebody would just throw their library away is beyond me, but whoever you are dude, I suggest you kiss your wife's ass and make up already before she throws out your electronics.

Time Bandits

I'm in a fairly bad place right now, but rather than talk about that I'd like to talk about something that hasn't come up for a while: Stephen King's epic serial novel, The Dark Tower and some new revelations I've had into reading it. I've come to rethink my entire take on the series based on the one immutable fact that Roland Deschain is actually the greatest evil of all in the series, and doesn't realize it. That Roland is an agent of chaos attempting to destroy the natural order in things. I apologize to any readers who are unfamiliar with the series, as I spoil plenty and otherwise won't make much sense to you. Now readers of the Tower, ask yourselves a few questions, realize a few things:

If the beams are meant to be eternal, why are their keepers all frail and mortal things? There isn't a set of rules in place to create new caretakers of the varied beams, and all of the caretakers still extant in the series are near death in one form or another. The answer, of course, is that the beams aren't meant to be eternal. The great wheel turns, the world moves on. For everyone except Roland.

Benjamin Franklin defines insanity as "doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." By the end of the series we discover that Roland has done this all before. The insinuation is made that Roland has done this before many, many times. All to the same result.

The natural order of the universe is to tend towards death, decay and then rebirth. Roland is an enemy of nature as his ultimate goal is to stop the world from moving on, which is ultimately a crime against nature. The Tower actually tries to teach Roland this lesson early in the series by killing Jake in book one and rebirthing him in book two. Roland's too busy vowing to do right by Jake this time (which he ultimately doesn't do anyway) than realizing that Jake is a message: stop fighting the universe and let the natural order of things progress the way they are meant.

Jake isn't enough of a lesson to Roland, however. The Tower also tries to clue Roland in on the evils inherent in his actions via the other partnerships it sends him: an addict, mule and dealer of hard drugs; a woman with a fractured personality whose every personality is a psychopath; a fallen and faithless priest. All of them have a nugget of purity in them, true, and what better lesson is there for Roland than a realization that even those who might think they have the right motives in mind can still be wholly wrong and doing the wrong thing? The Tower surrounds him with bad people so that he can realize his mission is, in fact, flawed and wrong.

Forgive if I'm too blunt in reiterating this: in retrospect, our hero Roland Deschain is actually the bad guy. And if you think about it, most of the world's biggest bads have all fancied themselves good guys, saviors, benevolent, etc.: Hitler, Bush, Christian Crusaders, Catholic Inquisitors, Doctor Doom. . .

For a time this realization that Roland is the bad guy, that his entire quest is flawed and abhorrent to the natural progression of the universe, that Jake dies (twice) in the service of helping the bad guys. . .troubled me. Why does King have us follow this for seven increasingly large novels? And the only answer that rises to the top for me is this--that the Dark Tower is in fact a morality play for the rest of us to stop trying to control the universe, to stop trying to fight nature, and to let the world be what it needs to be and just live in it.

Just live in it, people. And live in it well.

Hi-Fidelity

Top 5 Things I Have Been Fallaciously Called This Week (I Shan't Elaborate):
1. A druggie
2. A Christian
3. A minor
4. A racist
5. A pussy

Care to suggest any of these are actually true?